Letters to the Editor
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The restaurant business
My husband and I did something similar and opened a restaurant using the last of our money and borrowing from a lot of people. When the panic sets in there are any number of things the LW's husband could do that will make life very difficult for her.
Financially the worst is to defraud government agencies. These guys aren't exactly amenable to "I didn't know" from spouses, and if they can't get money from him they will get it from you, even to the point of attaching your wages - and only after the fact will they listen to any reason not to take almost all of it, like "my kids don't eat if you take this money."
But he could also get in debt with any number of vendors, who will also come after you if they can't find him. Even if you're together the collection agencies can make your lives miserable. Plus there is a certain element in the restaurant business that isn't exactly "kosher" and don't bother with calling you and asking nicely for payment, if you catch my drift . . .
I don't know if you can go to jail over all of this but if you're the accountant and he's shorting the government on payroll taxes, well, as Cary says, find out asap what your exposure is.
Finally, no, even men don't say "I could kill you" to one another as if it's no big thing. LW's husband is overly stressed and identifies the success of his restaurant with his own sense of self.
If this husband is a reasonable person you should be able to talk to him without being physically intimidated and belittled. If you can't do that, you might want to think seriously about the long term stability of this marriage. He seems to be losing touch with what's important - his wife and family. Screw the restaurant - your lives and happiness are worth more.
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Ranking
I would say that the foremost issue is whether this man could become violent with you. To find out, you'll need to go together to counseling and see if he's able to be really transparent, willing, and dedicated to a healthy marriage. If so, then you can work down the list and meet with financial advisors to select the best next step for the restaurant and its operation.
If not, all the other issues are moot. You must leave him, cut financial ties, and move on. It's not selfish; it's the way it is.
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Marriage means dual responsibility, even if you're blameless
I've got news for you. You're as legally liable as your husband because you are married to him, unless this is a corporation. And because you have two other jobs, you are the one the authorities will come after if they need to collect money for unpaid taxes, etc.
About your first marriage, I don't know why you think you were responsible for the band falling apart or for your first husband's addictions. Get over yourself on that. You are no more responsible for your adult first husband's actions than you are for this one's.
It is imperative, as Cary said, that you get legal counsel for extricating yourself as much as possible from this financial morass. Your husband doesn't give a damn about you or your children (if I go only by what you have written), and will drag you into bankruptcy, blaming you all the way.
And though you may not realize it yet, it sounds as if your marriage is already over. The only issue is how much drama and trauma you are going to subject your children to before you leave.
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3) Should I remove my name from the business as partner in order to protect my reputation?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
I don't know about any of the other questions, I'm sure others will chime in, but I can tell you this without hesitation:
Once your reputation as a person of integrity is gone, it's gone. Period. And it sounds like you have very specific financial training, given the references to bookkeeping and your knowledge of what was going on when hubby fudged the numbers. This training and experience, along with your clean record and good name, is going to have to survive the marriage for you and your daughter's sake, no matter what your husband does.
If you want to lose a lot more than just the restaurant -- including your good name and potential future earning capacity as a criminal-record-free employee -- separate yourself from these misdeeds as early and as decisively as you can. If you can remove yourself as partner, do it. If you can separate yourself from the actual fraudulent act, do it. A visit to an attorney would not be a bad idea for you: being in business with someone who is both dishonest and crazy is a hellaciously bad scenario. And even if he's not crazy, he's not sane, is he?
Save your good name. Separate yourself from these actions. See an attorney. And if reporting the fraud yourself will help, do it: barring a lotto win, it really sounds like you've hit the point of no return financially with this restaurant.
I'm really sorry this happened to you, and I wish you the best --
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Three things set off a red flag
1. Feeling like you need to hide his handgun. Or just the word "handgun" within this story.
2. His loss of control and projecting anger about this onto you.
3. Taxes/Government agencies. Never mess with them for more reasons than we have space for here. Tenacity is their middle name.
and
4. OK, so I cannot count nor is math a fave subject, but the kids. What is best for your girls? That may be your final answer.
Good luck LW.
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My neighbors
are 'cooking the books' all the time by using slick mortgage brokers and funky paperwork. They own properties all over the country and flip them at a profit. The trips these people write off, oh my! Part of me is envious, because they seem to do very well financially by just changing numbers on documents. Another part of me is just horrified that they can sleep at night. But I would not trade places with someone like this.
In other words, I don't envy you LW. I would get the heck away from anything financially fudged. Whenever I hear a siren around this area, I expect to see my neighbors in handcuffs. It just doesn't seem feasible that this would go unnoticed for long.