Letters to the Editor
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Dear Brother
Depression is a misdirected anger.
What are you angry about?
There are so many materially successful and angry men and women all about that I can only now guess that it has something to do with their careers and their self image within that great zoo of the American Way of Life.
Maybe a lot of people will become angry with this advice, but they are probably going to be angry (then later depressed) anyway, so here goes:
Remeber, Friend, that you are loved. By Cary, by your wife, kids by me, by some of the readers amoung these many letters of concern and curiosity you have inspired.
Love them back- especially your self- the hardest of all to love. Love is the law. Love will cure your anger and depression.
Now, how, you may ask. There is the long way and thenm there is the way that will be quick and painful and probably get you divorced, but you can easilly still obtain visitation rights to your kids, self love and all- and feel better than you do right now.
My advice:
TUNE IN
TURN ON
and most importantly (and fatefully)
DROP OUT!
I am serious.
The American Dream has caused yopu problems- Shedding that nightmare will bring you happiness, no matter how broke you will feel for a short while.
Living is cheap in Goa or Christiania or Nepal- or pedalling a bike taxi in your own neighborhood.
Please, for all of us, quit your Treadmill job, divorce if you must, cancel your idiotic cable subscription, move the heck out and start living!
Do it for us all.
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This might be key:
First, Cary, it is the loving understanding in your replies that makes them so wonderful. Anyone can give advice, and too many do, but your words are gentle and filled with understanding, validation, kindness and consistent willingness to buck conventional beliefs about how we should all feel, behave, live.
My loving advice to the depressed guy is based on my own learning about depression and anxiety in 30 years practice as an RN and from my personal experience with both. Some thoughts: Depression seems to be a primitive attempt by our unconscious minds to protect us from emotional pain that might otherwise have obliterated our ability to hunt, gather, reproduce. I expect this protection is still evolving and that we, in our time, are living with a woefully unrefined process. In our culture our childhood terrors, traumas experienced, abandonments real or feared, deep emotional pains and hideous events observed have no established, society-approved avenues for resolution. We're just such with this stuff and it accumulates as we're admired for our brave silence. We are taught to spare the adults around us any upset our true, feeling, needing, hurting selves might cause them.
Perhaps your depression is present now as a friendly nudge from your unconscious. You have distance from your early years and adequate adult life stability to revisit, validate and soothe your young self. You can now safely look at, feel and sort out your early experiences in a truthful, fresh and loving way.
The relief that comes from doing this is astonishing.
Something else to consider: As children we were often required to suppress our true feelings and reactions in order to protect a parent from anxiety or self-awareness. This is fundamental in unhealthy families and becomes deeply established second nature even as we mature.
Though we can no longer harm our parent by seeking and feeling our own truths it still terrifies us causing great anxiety and even panic. This anxiety is similar to that which we felt as children responsible for our parent's illusion of well-being.
I sincerely hope that you feel better. It's so impressive to me that you are looking at this and reaching out. I send you my best wishes.
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Differences Between Youth and Middle Age
When we are young, we tend to be self-centered in a way I think is healthy. We need big egos to propel us beyond our families, into the education system, and out into the world of work and adventure. We dream big and idealize experiences in order to motivate ourselves. This mindset carries us through our teens and twenties and even early thirties.
At some point after that, though, it's difficult to keep dreaming. We realize that our entire lives are not, in fact, still ahead of us. That we don't have unlimited time. That we've probably passed our physical prime and are reaching the end of our reproductive years. That many dreams will never be realized. This is a profound shift in outlook and may take years to get through. It is also why we get fed up with all the bullshit-- we realize that "this is it," that we can no longer necessarily wait for something better down the road.
On another note, the last great time I had was during the heyday of swing dancing-- I had a hobby and a social scene and was getting a ton of physical exercise (and human touch) at the same time. I think of Barbara Ehrenreich's book "Dancing in the Streets" and how we have almost no place for ecstatic ritual in our society, which is something that can help pull us through the dark times.
This is the third reply I've posted on this topic, but I thought it was a great letter. I really enjoy Dear Cary but empathize with readers who get frustrated with Salon. There are so few decent media outlets that we tend to feel possessive of the ones we love! I have also grown very tired of the "priviliged angst" essays on Salon-- please, save it for Vanity Fair-- and, although a feminist, think that Broadsheet misses the point more often than not. There's serious stuff going down right now, and token women and minorities are quite readily coopted if they are willing to buy into the corporate system, so I'm not sure that's the right focus.
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Can't get enough of Curry Penis!
Why is this letters section now reaching almost 30 pages, when most are closed closer to 20-25 pages? Just so we all have the opportunity to write and read as much as possible about our favorite advice columnist?