Letters to the Editor
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Gen X lament
I'm glad I'm not the only 40ish person out there questioning the stifling life that many of us have embraced. Didn't we learn anything from our parents? Didn't we learn anything from the generations who have made it clear that the Eisenhower ideal of spouse/kids/full-time drudgery/mortgage/buying shit is a soul-sucking nightmare for all involved? And now with the economy hollowed out, constant financial insecurity makes the whole situation unbearable. Get out while you still can.
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some books--might change your perspective
As Cary says, try being a little nicer to yourself. These might help:
1)Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers---I'm reading this right now, very helpful in all arenas of my life. And! It's fairly short, and to the point.
2)The Artists Way by Julia Cameron
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I'm a 40 year old suburban mom who was feeling just like you...
A few months ago I started out feeling just a low level anxiety all the time, with no apparent connection to anything. I told my husband a couple times that I thought I was headed for a breakdown. I didn't really mean it at the time, probably because I had never felt that way before and wasn't completely aware of what was to come. Well, as the weeks wore on, I became unable to manage simple tasks like going to the grocery store. I started having full-blown panic attacks over running out of butter at dinner time, and I skipped our family Thanksgiving trip because I was afraid I would freak out in front of everyone. That was a low, low time. I became almost unable to take care of our young children because the smallest task was overwhelming to me. I would wake up in the morning and think, oh, crap, I have to be me again today.
Finally, at the behest of my poor husband who was having to do everything because I was rendered incapable, I sought the help first of a psychologist and second of a psychiatrist. I was very reluctant to embark on the pharmaceutical route because my own father had a very unsuccessful treatment (though, in retrospect, we can all see it was an incompetent doctor). But out of sheer desperation, I filled a prescription for an antidepressant, and with the exception of feeling a little sick for the first three days, I have had great success. I feel so much more like my old self. More energy, more emotional stability, more joy, more patience, more ability to be present in my life.
I am still seeing a psychologist to figure out the triggers for my panic, but I can't imagine what a wreck I would be right now if I hadn't gotten more dramatic intervention.
**Important note**: If you do indeed have panic attacks, according to my psychiatrist, your body actually becomes trained to respond that way. You learn to have more panic attacks! I could feel that happening within only a couple months! So it's really important to DO SOMETHING about it now.
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Yea, way to go Cary
What a way to get people to write in and pat you on the back!
If you were truly a good guy then perhaps the next time you decide to "reflect" on your column you could thank the readers of Salon for helping you make this column a success. IMHO it's their compassion and participation that keeps this thing going.
And to anon who brought up Stuart Smiley: thanks for the brilliant reminder of Al Franken's character.
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Depressed?
It amazes me how so many people are "against" medication, as if it's something that will numb you out or turn you into a zombie. All I can say is, if you haven't tried it, how do you know? And give it a good try, say, three months (since it can take 3 weeks to kick in). If it makes a difference, why not use it?
All those other strategies are perfectly good, but they take ENERGY, the one thing a profoundly depressed person doesn't have. It's all very well to say, "Go to therapy" or "start an exercise program", but when you can't get out of bed, that's not going to be possible. Then you feel even worse about yourself (rock-bottom self-esteem being a prime symptom).
If untreated, depression can recur, and grow worse over time. It is as if it teaches the brain how to be depressed, makes a sort of groove (highly unscientific, but metaphorically speaking) that you can fall into again and again. There is also a strong correlation with heart disease, which can be fatal. It's just too risky not to get it treated.
Depression usually brings with it a lot of shame (because it's still heavily stigmatized) and self-loathing. It's a kind of living death, and surely you must try everything you can think of to start the long process of climbing those stairs out of the pit.
For Cary, a couple of pieces of advice I received from an editor:
It doesn't matter what they say about you, so long as they spell your name right on the cheque.
Never answer your critics. It only makes you look touchy and defensive, and gives them power over you. If you can't stand the heat. . .
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listen: wait
I found your letter moving and I'm sure you're not the only person who feels this way while continuing to act with integrity, which you have; don't make the mistake of defining that in merely negative terms ('I'm someone who doesn't cheat on his wife/shout at his kids/drink too much' etc). You are a person of integrity. That is very important and something to be proud of.
This is a crisis point in your life. Listen to it. Respect it. By all means get yourself checked out, but don't do anything for a while re medication or even therapy. Start writing a diary; spend a little more time doing nothing. Think about what you would do if you could do anything. Think about what makes you feel passionate (angry/joyous/sad/interested). Note all this down as it occurs to you. Be aware of yourself. The answer is on its way, that is the clear message of your crisis. Things are about to change, and for the better.
And Cary, I love reading your advice and have personally benefited from it myself, at a time when your compassion and insight (and directness) really mattered to me. Thank you. And - it's always good for a conciliatory Virgo to throw a tantrum once in a while!