Letters to the Editor
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It's called a THICK SKIN, Stuart Smalley...umm, I mean Cary
You are in a business where people are not always going to agree with you - and they have the opportunity to let you know it.
You can either be an uber-sensitive lily about it, and write wonderfully flowery, verbose letters about how much trauma the "meanies" who dare not worship every word you write cause you...
Or you can grow a thick skin and deal with it.
Either way, what I find most telling of all is that many of your faithful fans are all writing in to congratulate you on your Stuart Smalley moment - WITHOUT EVEN BOTHERING TO READ TODAY'S ACTUAL LETTER!!!
If that isn't a perfect case of enabled narcissism / narcissistic enabling, I don't know what is...
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Well done, Cary!
I appreciate your opening up this way. Even when I've disagreed with some of your answers, they've always made me think, and look at the problem from a new perspective.
LW (and Cary), ignore the vehemently negative repsones posted here today. I've never understood the attitude that once you've reach a certain level of comfort & security, you're no longer allowed to suffer emotionally, psychologically, existentially. Might as well say you're no longer allowed to be human.
LW, this does sound like midlife ... but just because it's identifiable & all too common, doesn't make it any less pressing. Previous posters are right -- if you've got any creative yearnings, pursue them. Explore them. You're exploring yourself, the deeper parts of your psyche that are in need of recognition & nourishment. Read. Immerse yourself in music & art. Watch some thoughtful films.
And do some creative work of your own. It doesn't have to be "good" -- that's hardly the point. But express what's urgently struggling to be expressed, somewhere deep within you.
A book I've found useful is Jugnian writer James Hollis' "The Middle Passage." It may not work for you, but you might check it out. If it's not for you, explore other options. Remember, there's no One Magical Formula That Fits All. And there's no guarantee of happiness ... after all, what's that old Zen line? "Now that you are perfectly enlightened, you may expect to be just as miserable as before."
But maybe happiness isn't as important as deeper meaning, anyway. Maybe this particular journey does matter more than the destination.
And don't think of it as being selfish, either. We're not suggesting you devote every iota of energy to self-exploration at the expense of the rest of your life & everyone in it. But those in your life will definitely benefit if you deepen & expand the meaning of your own life.
Best of luck to you!
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to anonymous
i rest my case.
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Dinah, you have to be good
Feeling sorry for yourself is an interesting thing, and people have very complicated beliefs about it. And I find that I distinctly disagree with at least half of the population about the subject.
It always reminds me of the beginning of Alice in Wonderland, where Alice is berating her cat in the same way that her parents berate her. Growing up, Victorian attitudes, steeling yourself against sadness -- the message we all receive is that you have to be careful not to feel to sorry for yourself. And I guess I don't doubt it. But on another level, a little self pity might lead you to figure out what you're missing. Wondering why you hurt is a healthy instinct if it's targeted and smart.
Anyway, LW should stop trying to 'man up' and start planning for more fun. It's amazing how fun undoes depression. You may be denied extramarital sex and robbing liquor stores -- but that leaves a lot of good stuff left to try.
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C'mon Cary
you really do deserve to be slapped like a little girl. That you're not good enough.
It's 2008; can we stop perpetuating these misogynistic analogies?
I mean, c'mon. Do little girls inherently deserve to be slapped? And not little boys?
Very disappointing, Cary.
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Way to go, Cary
Sometimes I don't agree with your advice on some things but I always think you're somebody worth listening to, who is intelligent, compassionate, and wise. Thanks.
Oh, and great two-part column today, both parts!
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Best yet!
You can read it in a number of ways, but my best interpretation is strangely almost as a (shudder) Ayn Rand-style response -- "Some of you don't like my work and are rude about it. So bite on this one."
There's nothing to add to your letter and response but I did want to comment about your opening complaint.
I think you're completely within your rights to complain about your very rude treatment. You clearly are ingenuous, care about your "clients", and try as hard as you can. It is inevitable that you'll fuck up some of the time on a daily column but then you have an uncensored letter column to fix that.
Your analysis is correct but there's another side that you might want to consider.
In the last year or two I've been trying to figure out how the United States got into this dire state, and it is my conclusion that a small but significant proportion of humans are literal, clinical psychopaths, that these individuals disproportionately get into positions of power, and worse, that the cult of Individual Power that is America strongly encourages these people at all levels more than other more socially-centered cultures where such individuals are more ostracized.
For example, see "The Sociopath Next Door" by Harv Med prof. Martha Stout, which I finished just this morning and agrees with me almost to the word (except it doesn't discuss politics directly).
There are people without any conscience nor any remorse -- often intelligent people too.
Dr. Stout says that 4% of the population are psychopaths and gives 6 journal reference to back her up. This means one person in 25 that you know is a psychopath.
You see them often in your column -- they're never writing in but they're very often the counterparties causing the letter to be written. I particularly remember the woman who worked in an office with a man whose past crimes she knew but was professionally bound not to reveal -- but not all psychopaths are so obviously evil.
You, Cary, as a sensitive person, are unable to understand viscerally I think that there are people aren't just "suppressing their emotions" with respect to sympathy and conscience -- they literally don't have them at all. These people are rare, but unfortunately the people, the victims in their lives are far, far more likely to write to you.
So your classic mistake when you write your column is to not recognize that your writer is encountering one of these people -- and this mistake is scary so a lot of people get upset.
And from the other side, you must remember that if 1 in 25 is a psychopath, then some of them are writing letters to your column with the sole purpose of getting some excitement by making you unhappy. Remember that you have disclosed your deepest vulnerabilities to the world so they know what will make you tick.
So I really think you should feel free to stop reading letters that aren't polite. And stop early! You don't have to think about every letter -- even if there is some truth in it. There really isn't ANYTHING wrong in mostly only reading the nice letters. Just glaze your eyes over and go to the next -- remembering that at least some of the time it's some nutcase deliberately trying to get a rise out of you for their own jollies.
This is a public medium -- we should expect and demand civilized discourse -- it's quite possible to disagree with everything someone says and still be supportive of the individual. There's no excuse for rudeness, you have no need to read such letters.
Congrats again on years of good work and this particularly fine column today.