Letters to the Editor
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A loyal reader
Cary,
Just a quick note to say that I also read SYA every day, and have since you first started writing it. It is one of the very first things that I do when I log in to my computer in the morning, and I frequently reference it when talking to friends. However, I almost never write a letter. In fact, I think this is only the third one in all of these years. Please keep in mind that there are lurkers out here that truly enjoy and appreciate your work even if they don't usually take the time to comment on it. I'll bet you affect more people in a positive way than you could ever know. Thank you for the heart that you obviously put into SYA. I hope you will continue to write it for years to come.
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RSVP cary's pity party
boo frigging hoo
most of us reading your column at our actual jobs will find it hard to feel sorry for you. driving involves traffic. duh.
perhaps i'm commenting from a place of outrage, but your whining about what seems from my perspective to be a pretty cushy place is really galling...maybe you should think about exchanging your privelege for some actual struggle, since apparently a life of relative ease occasionally bums you out.
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Dear Cary
I read your column almost every day, and I have posted a few letters. I do not post letters as frequently as some, I have noticed, partly because I have little time to do so, but mostly because I find that my opinions have often already been well expressed by yourself or others. I am not the sort of person who feels a great need to always raise my voice just to rehash what has already been said.
Today, I want to add my voice to those who express thanks for your efforts and sympathy for the abuse that you must suffer from the many mean-sprited and thoughtless replies that are often posted. Although I do not agree every day with your advice and sometimes find your writing to be a bit tedious (as parts of it were today), I still look forward to reading your column, and those letters, both those which are wise or pointed or thoughtful, and even those of the kind described above.
Life is complicated, and each and every soul's nature and experience is amazingly complex, a universe unto itself. Your column and the letter thread give me a window through which I can glimpse into the inner lives of others and so help me to understand myself a little better.
It's got to be a tough job to do every day. I do appreciate it.
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Stop whining like a little girl
I think the letters from people who say the LW should realize how lucky he is (often in a snide way, btw) are way off base. Sure he's privelaged, presumambly white (why you all assume he must be white is interesting, since he never said that. He could be Asian, or Latino or god forbid, black) but until he accepts the fact that he's feeling bad, and stops beating himself up about feeling bad, he'll never move past it. All of that harshness won't work; it'll just add shame to his emotional pain. So for the love of god, can you guys stop? He's a human being and even privelaged, possibly white, rich folks deserve respect and our attention. And this is coming from a poor black woman.
And LW, Don't feel ashamed for feeling bad. Heck, maybe it's hormonal or chemical. And yes, you should take 10:30's advice and count your blessings. Which sounds so much better than screaming about what a worthless human being the LW is for feeling bad about himself and his life.
See, we are real people and words hurt. Most torturers tell you what they are going to do to you before they do it to you, not as a heads up.
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What if LW Had Been a Woman?
Women (guilty as charged) also have our share of midlife blues (nevermind monthlies). But we still have to go to work, help pay the bills, (mostly) p/u everyone else's crap, and (mostly) keep everyone else going. We (mostly) don't get the luxury of wallowing in depression b/c there's no TIME, except perhaps in the john which is about the only time we're alone.
I agree w/fellow posters that LW needs to stop thinking about himself and really look outwardly. When I've got a to-do list a yard long, and things really gotta get done, that usually shakes me out of a funk. Which tells me that LW's wife must really be taking up a lot of the slack in that household; for his sake, I hope that ox doesn't die in the harness anytime soon...
I'm not lessening LW's plight. W/therapy and possibly Rx, LW needs to look beyond his narrow little realm. It's not all just about him, after all--or any of us, for that matter.
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re your self-check
dear cary,
i'm so glad you wrote the self-check thing. i've often wondered how you feel about some of your mail...the hateful stuff. i hope your 80+ letters so far are providing lots of affirmation about your work. you should know that your column provides a valuable service.
as an aa, i feel fortunate to have those rooms where i can walk in and feel instantly connected even if i've never met a single person in the room. there, amazingly, we can all talk about just about anything, even our deepest fears. even our deepest joys. that's big for us as addicts. but, in this society, it's big for everyone. my close non-aa friends frequently tell me they wish they had a reason to be in aa just to have the fellowship.
frequently, i respond by saying, "well, read cary tennis."
re the hateful stuff, we know that some people just cannot handle the real. the real emotion, feeling, fear, happiness, connection. so they don't get it. but one wishes that some day they will.
i guess you're a nice guy. a decent guy. you have good writing skills. you landed a good gig. but, most importantly, each day your column appears you are providing a service to your fellows. and, as we know, service is at the center of keeping a settled mind. when we serve we are freed from the slavish devotion to self. we benefit. you benefit. and when you stay well, you help us stay well.
thank you and happy new year.