Letters to the Editor
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Cary Nails it
Not dumb at all, Cary. LW, take heed, just put one foot in front of the other one; do what your job requires. It will not fulfill you, necessarily, but it can be helpful to turn it away from "you" to helping others.
And cut back on the therapy. Endlssly revisiting your problems can make you stuck in them.
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Newspaper jobs
I worked at a newspaper, in a job like the one the LW described, and it was all consuming. So while Cary's advice is good, it might be better applied to a person with another type of job. I can't imagine juggling a demading job like the one I had at the newspaper with a severe mental illness. So LW, kudos to you! But a less demanding job might be in order. I know that's what it took me to be able to find a balance between a job/my family/ and my creative writing.
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LW, what Cary said...
Plus :
Walks in nature
Soak in hot tub (Gym or home)
Don't have to be brilliant, just do the job.
I am going to write a book soon...I am not joking, I am serious...It's been written in my head for years and at New Year's I got a strong verbal channeled message that I must write it and publish it during my lifetime.
Right now I am working at a fast food restaurant and like it...why? the people are great...they are not miserable like the Family From Hell I left. Yesterday I locked myself in the walk-in freezer and everybody thought it was hilarious, me yelling from inside, "HELLOOOO".
I just got off work. I am going to draw a hot bath, make blueberry margaritas ( light on alcohol ) and have a glass perched on a grey plastic footstool beside my bath tub.
Tomorrow is my day off. I live alone. It will be total peace and bliss.
Don't be hard on yourself, LW. I lost my mind (privately). I got it back.All things are possible. I am normal now.
Take care of yourself. Celebrate yourself and give thanks for every little thing.
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Pursue the goals you articulate - but not all at once
LW,
You articulated and implied a number of things that you want:
1. to be a writer
2. to have the space and freedom to be who you want
3. to stay ahead in the daily struggle with depression
4. to be in a job that will finally allow you to be yourself
5. to feel like you're worth something
6. to be something
7. to be someone important
8. to gain control of your life
These are all reasonable long-term goals. I had similar goals when I was in my twenties. It helped me a lot to think about the logical sequence in which I should pursue them. I was experiencing so much professional and personal confusion, it made me feel paralyzed and hopeless.
So I gave myself a year to focus on therapy and my physical health (eating right and getting in shape) while staying in my dead-end job. I figured if I was going to make major career and life decisions and formulate plans, I would have to be in my clearest possible mind. I would need to be physically strong, mentally healthy, and emotionally balanced. So for one year I gave myself permission to focus on emotional recovery from my past and become psychologically and physically strong. The goals I accomplished that year (stick with therapy and give it my all both in and out of sessions, stick with my fitness regimen and give it my all) were insanely difficult and felt at times suffocatingly tedious. But they did make me stronger and infinitely more capable of attacking my other goals.
Maybe you could do the same? Focus on #3 and #5 before tackling the rest? It might take a lot of the hopelessness away to realize you WILL accomplish your other goals, but not all at once, not all this year. Also, focusing on goals that are 100% about you (not about your relationship with other people) can provide tremendous clarity.
It really worked for me, and I hope it does for you. Best of luck in your journey.
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Are you?
Unless you have mastered the arts of rhyme, meter, and language writing a few unpublished poems is no indication that you are a budding novelist.It is true that some novelists have gone crazy, but always after they have produced great work, not before. Tolstoy immediately springs to mind.
My experience (extensive) of people who have the group of problem behaviors that include long term depression that does not respond to drugs, cutting themselves, and poor work history is that they tend to be very self-centered and that their feelings and symptoms are their main interest in life.
I think what the LW should do is cut out the "therapy". After 8 years it obviously is not helping. If there is an antidepressant drug that helps, then carry on taking it. In any case, do not stop cold turkey without medical advice.
My personal opinion is that with psychotropic drugs the cure is often worse than the cold, because they always have side effects, but if they do really help, then I am all for them. Just avoid all other drugs, alcohol, and stimulants like caffeine and
But the main thing she needs to do is to get some hobbies and interests outside of herself. Her therapist is right when she says that her symptoms are like a full time job.
#1, get some exercise, whether it be training for a marathon or working in the yard.
#2, get a pet, preferably an energetic, but friendly dog that needs long walks. Although dogs are sympathetic to your woes, and you can talk to them, they never bother you with their's unless it is something really important like a cat in the yard, so they can teach you what is really important in life.
#3, learn a new skill, preferably one that involves all parts of the brain, like learning a musical instrument or a new language from scratch.
#4, If you watch TV, stop watching TV. It turns your brain to mush. Throw it out.
#5, If you read extensively, which presumably as a putative writer you must do, then read something different. If you read novels, then read biographies. If you read self-help books, then read history.
#6, Get into some kind of quality music. Nietzsche said "without music life would be a mistake" and he was right.
#7, Get into some kind of visual art or architecture. Get library books, go to galleries, travel, if your family budget will run to it. (At least you will be saving on the therapy.)
#8, Be thankful that you have a husband, because all this must be hell for him too. Let him know how much you appreciate him putting up with all your BS.
#9, Cut out all junk food and processed food. Only eat what you cook yourself from scratch, if you don't already. You WILL feel better.
This may sound a bit harsh, but either you want to sort out you r life or you don't. If you do everything prescribed here by ole Doc Amerigo, you will not have time to be miserable and you will realize that you will only find yourself by losing yourself.