Everything Cary said is well and good, Yes, please get help.

But, most importantly, call the police. Do not let another 3:00 AM pass without making sure the motherfucker who committed this crime is behind bars for the rest of his life.

Hey LW,

I just read your letter, and I never posted to Salon (read everyday though) and signed up to reply to you.

I had a VERY similar experience to yours. I remember having panic attacks and crying uncontrollably everywhere - in college classes, at work, once horribly in the post office. I freaked a few people out myself (I'm guessing they thought someone died or something). This went on for 2 years.

I went to therapy as Cary suggested to you. (3 different therapists actually but on the 3rd I walked in the first day with a letter, much like your own... I'd actually print out that letter and hand it over). Talking was hard, but I tried to talk. Wrote things. Did sort of rapid fire psychology things. Went on Zoloft for 6 months...

And am "better". I still have awful memories, but am totally able to function and no longer have panic attacks. Don't think about things so much, except when I see things like this.

Stick through it. Life gets better. Wishing you the best. xo

--to be concerned about how harrowing your death would be for your boyfriend and best friend. I'm thankful to see you are still able to see that. Sometimes we're able to keep ourselves going for our loved ones when we don't have the strength to see we deserve it for ourselves. (In my case, I couldn't devastate my kid sisters like that, though I couldn't imagine back then that anyone else would pause at the news.)

Do everything they've suggested to take care of yourself. You didn't make the pain you're in. It was callously dumped on you and you didn't and don't deserve it.

But in the short term, just to keep going for that next hour, remember those two people you love and who love you, and how terribly it would hurt them. And, I found, it can paradoxically help in the short term to promise yourself you can resort to it later if you really need to. That can help you grasp that, right now, though it hurts like hell, you don't really need to.

(Don't dismiss medication, if the crisis center can hook you up with a program that will help you pay for it if the diagnosis seems to call for it. I spent more than a decade believing antidepressants were a godsend for others, but I Wasn't Entitled to them, I should be the one to lift myself up by my own emotional bootstraps. Antidepressants and anxiety meds aren't a magic bullet by any means, but you really don't deserve to be hostage to panic attacks--that's pure PTSD, an injury to your brain from all the trauma you've been though.)

All best.

Anybody who reads your letter is on your side. Please do as Carey suggests, and talk to anybody.

E-mail me. Ask Carey. He has my contact info. Or he can get it from King Kaufman.

I wish I could give you a job, so that you could move away from home, but I cannot do it. Salon Posters, do any of you have a spot for this angel? Somebody must have a job and a dinner plus a room to offer. Please e-mail Carey, and set it up.

I've never until now fully appreciated the awesome responsibility that comes with writing an advice column.

Stay strong, 3am.

As this night and day roll on, drunken smart-asses and trolls may come here, and give you mean advice. Pay no attention. Talk to the rest of us instead.

I want to mention to anyone reading that you do not have to be in immediate crisis to call a hotline. I worked at a hotline in a major city with a relatively high suicide rate and we took calls from many people who were having major problems but weren't necessarily about to kill themselves. If you aren't ready for therapy or don't know what's going on with your emotions or of course if you are thinking about suicide or are suicidal, call a hotline and talk to someone for 20 minutes. You may find answers, you may not, but know is is a wonderful resource to prevent crisis as well as treat it.

Good luck to the LW and my apologies for the slightly off-topic response.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Cary is quite correct--you need time and help to work through what that sorry bastard did to you--and it will be eminently worth it when you do. Please, _please_ don't hurt yourself or try suicide. I know what you are going through is agonzing--and that it seems that you are no good and nothing good will ever happen again. Depression caused by the trauma you've been through is good for distorting one's perceptions in just that way. But impressions caused by depression are a bunch of lies and you should no more believe them than you should someone telling you the sky is made of cotton candy. The kind of help Cary recommends will help you see through this crap and "maintain" long enough to get yourself and your life back on an even keel. Get the help you need ASAP--and please let us know how things work out for you. Good luck.

LW, know that you're not alone in this.

I was raped my freshman year of college, and I tried my hardest to deny it even to myself and carry on while living in the same building as my rapist. I was so depressed and self-destructive. It took me swallowing a bottle of Aleve while drunk a few years later to realize I needed help.

After two years of therapy, some time off school, and a lot of love and support from my family and friends, I'm in my sixth year of undergrad and I'm finally going to graduate this semester. I'm not quite 100% yet, but every good day is a small victory.

I know you feel like there is no hope, but the fact that you wrote this letter shows you that there IS still hope. Please don't give up. Reach out for help. Give yourself a chance to heal.

You're in my thoughts.