Letters to the Editor
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i don't usually agree with you, Cary...
...but I admit you hit the nail on the head with this one.
He slept with her, that's why she feels ok to act in such a familiar fashion.
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dear Terry
I am so glad you have done drugs and can comprehend and tolerate the above, aforementioned situation. I'm glad she has seeeked your saged advice.
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I have been that drunken girl...
Even though I am a drunken old man. She may be in love with him, but she misses being friends, and she always remembers. It can be just silly stuff such as bowling together.
Your husband probably has not done anything. Those dynamics never work out. Even if they were just pals, you could not have, and should not have to put up with the relationship, so that he ended it. And the only way to end it is cold, I guess. That always leaves the other person remembering.
You cannot know what will happen in the future. If she comes back, or if somebody else comes in, very sorry. But I have just given you a way to believe it is no real problem.
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Why does he think the world revolves around him?
Hmmm... first he says he hung around his co-worker in order to figure out if YOU were the one for him... this is weird. Too weird. Like eating hot-dogs everyday for a year to see if you like hamburgers.
Then he dismisses your feelings as if you were a complete fool. Manipulative. Trying to make you feel foolish.
You are not foolish for having feelings. Repeat. You are NOT foolish for having feelings. Your feelings deserve respect. Repeat. Your feelings deserve RESPECT.
I do not want to come to any conclusions about his fidelity, however I will say this - Do not allow your hubby demean your feelings or force you to second-guess yourself. Ever. Even if you are wrong.
Perhaps during your search across the sea as Cary so eloquently described, you should also look for ways to start respecting yourself. If you have a strong sense of self, nothing anyone can say to you will bring you down.
Regain your sense of self and a lot of things will fall into place.
Wishing you all the best and all the happiness and security you so rightly deserve.
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For the record
I'm a happily married man, however, the only women who drunk-text me in the middle of the night are women I've either slept with, tried to sleep with or want to sleep with.
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ok
so your name is Cary. bfd.
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He could be telling the truth, but . . .
Before I married my husband he cheated on me. While we were married, he cheated on me. At the end of our marriage, what ended our marriage, was - you guessed it - he cheated on me.
At every step was the "you're crazy" and "I don't tell you these (innocuous) things because you get nuts over it" - and I was NOT crazy and I got "nuts" not over meaningless stuff but over blaring evidence he was cheating!!
Fast forward twenty years: I am in an emotional relationship with a married man. Today was the day I told him that we were doing each other a disservice to play this game, not in or out, because I can't move on and find an available man, and he can't work out the issues in his marriage, as long as we play around the edges of a passionate but unconsummated relationship. It's over.
I never texted him at midnight - but I did text him. A lot. And implicit in the fact we corresponded through text messages is that "she doesn't care/won't find out" and "it's okay to do this stuff behind her back." Horribly disrespectful of her and of his marriage. I'm deeply ashamed, a huge reason it was never a full blown affair and I ended what there was of it.
I wasn't drunk when I texted; perhaps if I were drunk or stoned and out of control I might have texted him at a "bad time". Except they're all bad times because the intimacy of the very fact that he accepts emotional texts from someone not his wife with the understanding she will not be privy to them is in itself a betrayal of their relationship.
I don't know how much to ascribe to the fact she's drunk. I do have a problem with the fact that he's not perturbed by some chick's interruption of his marriage with dumbass late-night texts, and that he attempts to make his wife feel crazy for worrying about it and/or wanting it to stop. He shows a huge lack of respect for his wife - directly - which is obviously reflected in the way this chick thinks she has free reign to text him when she feels like it.
Only the LW knows how far she can trust him. I agree with Cary about that being the central issue, but another issue right next to it is the way he disrespects and belittles his wife, blaming her for his lying and covering up because of "how she gets". He casts her as a foe and puts her on the outside. It's manipulative and well, not very loving.
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This is precisely why I am romantically retired.
If this is love, why bother?
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reasonable answer, but...
this is really a tough one. Is it really just about trust? or is it about acceptable behavior in a marriage? I have been on both sides of this fence and don't feel good about either one because there is so much gray area. I recently shared a full-on drunk 2 hour conversation with an old friend who I slept with once, but he was more of a confidant over my younger years. His wife was on a trip at the time. He told me they were breaking up, since his kids are now grown. I never once felt guilty. BUT I also got infuriated when my husband received phone calls from his old girlfriend because she was having a tough time. I told him he wasn't making it clear to her that he was no longer available, even as a friend. I didn't feel guilty about that either.
There is no good in these situations. Marriage is ownership, unfortunately, and we all chafe within those boundaries.