Letters to the Editor
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YOu can do it
I have written and published many novels and essays. I have had kids the whole time. You CAN write even if they are talking right in the same room with you. You can answer the phone and go right back to what you were writing. You can write when someone is talking, vacuuming, watching TV, playing with the dog, telling you to come to bed. You just have to train yourself to do it, to keep your work in your mind and not require conditions to be perfect all the time. You can develop patience, and stop panicking. You can be disciplined but not cultivate rituals. The more flexible you are, the more you will get done. But if you focus on the idea that you don't have the right situation or the right place or the right amount of time, you will just spend your life waiting till your inspiration has passed you by. Take it from me, I do know.
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Get privacy first, then writing advice.
Like the writer, I wrote for many years, then stopped for many years and have recently started back by rewriting a novel I had set aside for a long time.
Many people here have given good advice, so I'll add my two cents. You must have some privacy. Do not allow your children or your wife or your friends to read your writing immediately after it's written. Write it completely on your own. If you can't get the privacy from them at your house, take a laptop to Starbucks and write it there like J.K. Rowling did.
Once you have finished your first draft, now is the time to join a writers critique group. I belong to one that meets twice a month. We read a chapter aloud to the group and members make comments which are usually constructive and much more helpful than what you would get from family and friends.
Attend a writers conference if you're able to. Subscribe to a writing magazine like WRITER'S DIGEST or THE WRITER. I just subscribed to THE WRITER and the subscription includes an online writers forum for writing discussions.
Finally, don't sell yourself short. Have big goals. Don't belittle yourself and don't allow anyone else to, either.
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Your community of serious writers
. . . is to be found in the books on your bookshelf.
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How to write a lot
You might want to check out a slim book called "How To Write A Lot" by Paul Silvia. It's aimed at the academic writer, but the very practical suggesions about finding a place, privacy, time, self encouragement, etc. are helpful to anyone. Good luck!
Oh, and "Herself" --- I and my Librarian colleagues never actually learn and never actually say "Shhh!", nor do we wear our hair in prim buns or our eyeglasses on a string or typically live with our mothers. Although I do have to admit that many of us wear dorky shoes.
Library Chick
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Be Careful What You Wish For, Not Quite Virginia Woolf
If you do get the "room of your own" you're longing for, your kids might get up to all kinds of mischief because they know you'll be preoccupied with your writing. The only thing worse than having your kids in your face all the time is NOT having them bothering you—I think you should learn to integrate your writing into your family life. You can deal with the kids, eventually the sight of you writing at the kitchen table (you need to be keeping an eye on things) will bore them and they'll leave you alone . . . and as for your husband, just ask him to stop looking over your shoulder.
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3 Suggestions
From an amateur:
1. Say to your wife, "Honey, I can't write with you looking over my shoulder. Can you go and do something else for an hour? Thanks."
2. Get in your car with your laptop or pad of paper, drive to a big empty parking lot, and write there for an hour.
3. Rent The Shining, and tell your wife (with a straight face), "Boy, I know how that feels," when Wendy disturbs Jack's writing.
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Great letter and great response
Gosh I can translate this problem into my just wanting to be a person in my role as a housewife to my family ! I have no money either to get a room of my own and watch, for example, in the evening the shows I like on our digital 58" TV. Instead I give it up in the name of 'good wife and mother' to everyone else that wants to watch their shows. But like you say Cary one really does have to work at it and if finding a room of ones own home isn't possible then look harder or outside. I have a tiny TV in my bedroom now that I turn on, shut my door and that's it ... it ain't the 58" downstairs but it'll do.
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Blood or fire
Here's an easy way for your spouse and children to decide whether it's OK to disturb you: blood or fire.
Set the limits: I'm going to the guest room to write for an hour; do not disturb me for anything other than blood or fire.
When someone does disturb you, ask two questions: Is anyone bleeding? Is there a fire?
If both answers are No, tell the intruder to leave, and start writing again. It will take a few weeks, but they'll learn.
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I second the headphones idea
Nothing says "buzz off" like a pair of headphones. Also, a locked door. I heard one writer (a bestselling one) say she had told her kids that nothing short of arterial spurting blood should make them interrupt her.
But I can't agree about writer's groups. If you don't feel the need to share, don't. Some people have a trusted reader who helps them. Whatever works for you.
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Writing Time & Space
Good posts--I especially liked found_object's comments. I've written in bits and pieces through the years, keeping an eye on the kids much of the time. Most of my first published novel was written in 90-minute sessions (during Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street). Now I write at a coffee shop before work, jot something at lunchtime, devote some hours on Saturday or Sunday, and use vacation days from my day job. (No TV watching)My creating a plan of action/rough outline helps, giving me a place to insert the bits and pieces as I get them done.
Are you sure your spouse and family are really so fascinated by what you are doing, or do they mainly want your attention diverted to their own interests? Sometimes writers and other artists may have an inflated idea of how much other people want to be in their audience.
Finding a balance between the lived-life and the writing-life is often tricky and requires flexibility. Other letter writers have given you good suggestions. I'll add that, while the delays and interruptions may frustrate a writer, they may also be a serendipitous source of ideas and approaches to the work-in-progress. A couple of cliches: It's all material; nothing's really wasted. Oh, and the kids grow up too fast.