Letters to the Editor
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But . . .
Why would I want a moron for a friend? People are excusing this fellow saying he is just average or just ignorant. Call me a snob but I long ago decided that I want friends who are better than average. I don't want stupid friends and I don't want racist friends.
The LW's and her husband's problem is that they liked this guy until they found out he is racist. I suggest they simply compute the racism into the equation. Now they probably will like him less and be less comfortable around him. Sometimes acquaintances, when we discover new and better things about them, become friends, and sometimes friends, when we discover unpleasant things about them, become acquaintances.
I once had a friend and neighbor who turned out to be a racist. I had previously let her occasionally care for my 10 year old daughter when I was at school. When I found out where her head was at, I simply explained to my daughter that I disapproved of her position and why. I minimized her interaction with my daughter. I voiced a complaint to her about a racial slur. She knew how I felt, especially about the fact that she did not restrain her attitude around my daughter. We simply saw less of each other. We were still cordial but no longer close.
We cannot avoid contact with racists but we can make certain we don't approve or condone or excuse such behavior.
Of all the reasons to ditch a friend, racism seems to me to be one of the more reasonable ones.
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Somewhere in between
I agree that Cary's advice to come to terms with the racist friend seems a bit too easy. I'm not sure he would give that advice if he were black.
On the other hand ... I grew up with a mother from the deep South and a father from Kansas. My mom and dad are New Deal liberals. I'm a Massachusetts liberal who opposed Ted Kennedy when he first ran because he wasn't progressive enough for me. But my mother's family is from the deep South and we've long been on different sides of the political divide.
Over the years, I've come to realize that my southern relatives -- issues of politics and race aside -- are some of the most wonderful people in the world. If my life were on the line, I could count on them far sooner than I could count on some of my liberal friends. I've noticed that about a few other conservatives too.
We never talk about politics. And I'm not black. But the point is that people are much more complicated than we give them credit for. Good character is rarely pure. And there is much to be said for co-existing with people, if possible, and profiting from the best they have to offer, rather than shunning them because of the worst they have to offer. How in the world will this country survive if we can't do that?
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limits
It occurs to me that if the LW and her spouse feel they have much in common with the neighbor and otherwise value his friendship, then it IS in fact a valuable friendship, albeit with some newly discovered caveats.
So I propose a friendship with limits-- not as in seeing him as a less valuable friend, but as in the acknowledgement that in our relationships with others there are always areas that are off-limits, even if we usually don't articulate them.
There are things we'd talk about with certain friends and not others, things we'd talk about with a spouse or lover but not a friend, things we'd talk about with one relative, but not another-- and so on.
The difference is these distinctions usually occur fairly automatically without much cogitation, whereas here you do have to reflect on what you want to be "in-bounds" or "out-of bounds" in terms of subject matter.
Finally, note that he sort of commented on that demarcation himself when he said he hoped it wouldn't affect your friendship. Wasn't he (essentially) saying that he doesn't expect to change his own views, that he didn't expect you to change yours, and was willing to accept that there would be an ongoing difference of opinion about certain things?
I'd give him some credit here for a capacity for breadth of spirit, and, yes, tolerance: he could have, after all, said that he regretted having befriended you now that he understood your views better.
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But Walter Crockett,
family is different from friends. Most people feel they owe certain loyalties to family members which they do not owe to friends. I still speak to my brother even though he is a racist. I just make it clear that I will not hear him on those particular topics. However, I would have much more respect for him and maybe even more love for him if he were not a racist.
Friends, we choose. Moreover, our choices say something to the world about us. Our own self-respect and reputation are revealed through our friends. Just as I wouldn't choose to be friends with a woman-hater, a bank robber, a child molester, or someone who tortures animals for fun, I would not choose to be friends with a racist. While it is true that bank robbing and child molesting and animal torturing are actions rather than ideas, they arise from ideas. Nazism arose from ideas. We cannot simply say that we will tolerate any sort of thinking without asking ourselves where it might be possible for those ideas to lead. While there are degrees of racism and most of us harbor some occasionally queasy-making thoughts, most of us do not openly defend those thoughts. There is something to be said for social disapproval when racist ideas are expressed. We shape our culture by what we tolerate and what we will not tolerate.
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old school racist
I am always amazed that people are still missing something when it comes to others. It goes like this: person by person. That is all. Not gender, race, age, creed, class, etc. Just getting to know one person in real time without preconceived notions. Your buddy hasn't spent much time with black people and he sounds isolated (or insulated) so he just doesn't get it.
LW, you sound educated, thoughtful and progressive for the most part. This guy is not going to change. Nothing you can say or prove will help him. Unfortunately, he is common and he exists in every race and culture. I've seen him and I've experienced him. I get away from him. The limitations of this friend are staggering if you think of the population of this Earth. I suppose if you never leave your house...
While I admire Cary's response, I don't give a rip about the color of people's skin and a friend so focused on this would be frustrating to be with. No matter what color a friend is, it would be annoying at best. Cary is right though about the historical refs and the idea of "in 30 years...". No one gets out without suffering, no one gets out alive and time just marches forward.