Letters to the Editor
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Get out, but not because...
...your partner is a drug user, but because you are feeling overwhelming relief at the prospect of having an excuse to leave.
She's done you a big favor here. You obviously want out. You're obviously staying for reasons that have little to do with her and everything to do with the relationship, the business, etc.
And, I agree, not everyone who uses drugs is an "addict" in the current orthodox sense of the word. Your partner may or may not be. But at the very least, she's willing to put herself in the position of being "caught in the wrong place at the wrong time" while raising a child.
So, you have every excuse you'll ever need. Go for it.
Also consider the possibility that your partner wants out, too, and this is how she's going about it. Consider the possibility that she'll just keep upping the ante until she ODs, gets ripped off or endangers your child.
Trapped animals gnaw their body parts off to get free. Humans are no different.
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That is the biggest load of crap
It Appears....
the consensus opinion at Salon is, if your mate is drowning, toss them an anchor. Interesting.....
-- Stagger Lee
No one can make or help an addict stop doing the substance they are addicted too. You can not offer a reward, like a relationship and have the addict stop. Your love and devotion and loyalty will not make them stop if they don't want to. It doesn't work, only the person who is addicted to the drug can stop. They will do so if you are there or if you aren't. If they scream, you can't leave me, I need you, otherwise I can't stop it's a line of bullshit. You stop because you want to, you stop because you are willing to deal with the emotional upheaval that drove you to use in the first place, not because your lover didn't leave you.
Don't act like not remaining in a marriage with someone who got arrested on heroin charges is handing them an anchor, they were perfectly willing to pick up the anchor without any help from anyone but their friendly neighborhood dealer.
I applaud this LW and I hope she is able to keep their child away from any cycle of addiction. I hope that the child is never in the posistion of having their allowance "borrowed" so that mommy can get her fix. I hope that this child is never put in the situation of keeping a secret from the other mother, because mommy slipped just this once and she promises she won't ever do it again. I hope this child never has to find out that mommy's trip on the light fantastic was more important than their 6th birthday party. Or shows up high as a kite and everyone is embarrassed and the child wishes she never came in the first place.
Sure I don't know if this wife who's in rehab is just a user who got busted by the cops, or if she's an addict, but I've never met someone who decided heroin was a good drug to give a casual go.
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Bad advice
Does nobody believe in "in sickness and in health" or "for better or for worse" anymore? Why bother saying these things at all (and, yes, why as a community fight for the right to say them and mean them legally), if you plan to walk away as soon as the going gets tough?
And what in God's name, Cary, does it mean to be "authentic"? Sounds to me like a license to act however you "authentically" feel when you wake up in the morning. I feel that my life would be better without the person I vowed to stand by a few years ago because she turns out to have a problem. So rather than participate in her recovery as I am being asked to do, and rather than letting her know that I'll be there for her if and when she gets well, I'm going to break up our family and move on.
Cary has essentially decided that this person doesn't deserve a second chance because he's able to read in between the lines and determine that the woman hasn't hit rock bottom yet. That just sucks in my book. Everyone deserves a second chance, and that applies all the more when the person is your spouse.
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"For better or for worse" doesn't mean you have to be a sucker
Taking someone to be your partner "for better or for worse" has its limits, surely. Presumably "for worse" would also include a spouse who:
* Cheats
* Steals from the family finances
* Lies habitually
* Is abusive, physically or verbally
Taking someone with any (or all) of the those characteristics is most definitely taking them "for worse".
The notion of taking someone to be your partner "for better or for worse" means -- to me anyway -- that you will endure (together) your circumstances as a domestic unit for better or worse, not that one partner is allowed to be "worse" and treat the other one like shit, and the other one is obligated to put up with it.
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a family disease.
addiction is a family disease. you say you had no idea she was using, but you do admit there were problems. you -- as the partner of an addict -- need help too, as does your child. you should not make any huge life decisions (esp. about leaving your partner) before you get the proper help.
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One of Cary's best
I completely agree with Cary. We're quick to label anyone who is involved with drugs an "addict" and ship them off to rehab. Some people are addicts, and some are risk takers who get caught. Either way, a person who claims to have "been in the wrong place at the wrong time" is not being honest with herself or her partner about the direction in which she's taken her life.
If they did not have a three year old, and if they were both open to experimentation with drugs, maybe this could work. But it doesn't sound like the LW's wife is on the road to recovery and the LW should not feel obligated to stick by a woman who has devastated nearly every aspect of their shared lives when she herself has been struggling to run a household and a business.