Letters to the Editor
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Grumpy
People are just so full of it. "I'm perfect, she sucks." I don't buy that this relationship was ever so wonderful; sounds like a "marriage" of convenience, almost.
I just wish two people who lie to themselves as much as these two (and most of this column's LWs) wouldn't bring kids into it. It's always the kids who pay.
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Is it a disease?
I don't know if addiction is a disease. But suppose it is. Then is it contagious? Is your partner (wife) in a contagious state. Would you like to have someone in the contagious stage of a severe disease living in close proximity to your child?
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Cary slightly off re: addict or no? and rehab industry
The letter-writer's partner is almost certainly an addict in the relevant senses. She's currently addicted to powerful narcotics, and moreover she's acting like one of us in the broader sense. Cary is too cautious on the point of her status.
I've done my fair share of criticism of the recovery industry and twelve-step programs. My father ran the gamut several times over before overdosing, and I have considerable experience myself; I've earned the right to criticize.
But I've become pragmatic. This time around, I was lucky to get relatively good treatment, a boon since options were limited. And I have set aside reservations about Alcoholics Anonymous, in favor of giving it an honest try. The results have been impressive, unprecedented.
I am glad Cary and some others get sober without the recovery industry or the Steps. The so-called big book commends such people. But at risk of offending, they are not helping me. That's fine, it's their business. Aftercare and AA are helping, because I am involved and committed and yes, this time I want it. On off days these avenues suck absurdly.
The addict who isn't ready to quit will read Cary's response and see: I may seem like a lying junkie, and yes I got popped, but I am actually a super-special misunderstood person etc. And the treatment available is not good enough, and the people who want to help are damnably human, too religious, etc.
But yes, the letter-writer is welcome to leave at this juncture. The rehab and others are defaulting to the reasonable position that partners in a long-term committed relationship will try to salvage it. The fact that the letter-writer is paying for the treatment has little to do with this starting-point. I rather think the rehab will do well enough financially without scheming to keep bad marriages together just because one party pays the bill.
My facility's director is a brilliant workaholic who does not need to scheme for clients. My sponsor is, next to my wife, the most loving and insightful person in my life. Perhaps I could do this myself, but the question becomes why. To avoid spiritual talk I'm not wholly on-board with? I had to ask myself what was so threatening about it.
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Breaking point
Heroin use would be a deal-breaker for me, no second chances. The sort of person who even tries heroin is not someone I want in my life.
Different things are deal-breakers for different people. For some people cheating is a deal-breaker; I would give a cheater a second chance. My partner stole from work and got caught. I gave him a second chance. There are probably people reading this right now who think heroin use is fine and giving a second chance to a thief is absolutely moronic. That's fine. I don't have to live with their partners and they don't have to live with mine.
Your deal-breakers are your own business, not anyone else's.
Opinions on drug use aside, that you not only lived with her but worked with her and she had an entire part of her life you didn't even begin to guess at isn't a good sign.
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Leave
Consider your $22k in her rehab and legal issues your buyout. You want to be free of her, and you should be. There is zero benefit to you staying in a relationship you have already moved on from just for appearances. The relationship as it was is over and you cannot go back. Don't worry about being seen as the "bad guy" - you can't control that, and in the end no one will make you the bad one in a comparison with a herion using liar. Protect your child, don't be vindictive, and you will all be better off.
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One observation about the child
Do not presume that, because the child does not inquire about her mother, the child is relieved or has no interest in what has happened.
I have been in a very similar situation and assumed that the child was not very concerned. This turned out not to be have been the case. Young children have a very in-the-moment outlook, but they still are affected and concerned when someone they care for disappears, even someone who has not treated them well or been disruptive in the household.
You may have so assured the child sufficiently that mom is okay or coming back or whatever that there is no need for further inquiries. But handle this situation with sensitivity and do not project your own feelings onto this.
I do not mean to say that the child would be better off if you reconciled. That may not be the case. But take care not to draw "other mom's" bad deeds into the child's consciousness.
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Channelling Dan Savage
One word (or acronym, really):
DTMFA
As a child of a parent who let himself be used for years by an addict, I can say from experience that ending it right now is the way to go, especially since your son is young enough to forget everything that has happened up to this point. Get out before the kid starts collecting psychological damage that will stick.
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I find it interesting
Okay, all the people stating that she just must have known or was lying to herself or some such business.
Okay, when you are an addict and a good liar, you can hide what you are doing from everyone.
I hid everything I did from my mother, everything. She never had a damn clue, until she did. I came home on time, did my schoolwork, did my chores, had friends and played the happy good child at home. When not at home I was drinking, smoking, drugging, screwing, you name it, I probably did it. I smoked cigarrettes for 4 years before she caught me and those things freaking reek! I just developed rituals and timetables. One time I was frying on acid, drinking orange juice and having a conversation with her and she didn't have a clue. Here's something else I learned, when you take drugs you know what people on drugs look like. When you don't take drugs and never have or ever been around people who do them, you can't really tell. My mom was a total square, she doesn't even drink coffee. She wouldn't know what a coke sniff is, ever, so it made my drug abuse easy to hide. Plus, I was lucky in that my eyes never turn red when I smoke pot, so that saved my butt plenty of times.
If there was a slight change in mood, it's my period. Another month it'd be I'm sick with something. Or my friend did something rotten to me, you keep a list of the lies you've told, when and to whom. You can hide things from people for a set amount of time, a few years even, sure, eventually you will slip up and get busted and yes I did, but it was after years. Plus, even if people have their suspicions, there isn't any proof, any evidence because if you're smart you don't leave that shit where anyone can just find it. 6 months isn't that long, the LW did notice something was wrong in her home, that something wasn't quite right, that she was unhappy, that she was alone in a relationship, she just didn't know what was wrong until the police phone call came. I'm sure it's the same for people who are being cheated on, you know the relationship isn't quite the same, you know something is off and you can't put your finger on it, you haven't caught a lie, your partner is where they say they are, then all of a sudden you find out someone's been having internet sex and ran off to China to fuck their mistress.
Oh and come on, getting angry at her for turning down cheating, um isn't that what people are supposed to do! Everyone gets a chance to have an affair at some point, some yummy co-worker gets a crush on you, someone you see at the gym all the time starts flirting with you and the reason you don't act on that attraction is your partner and the commitment to the life you have and not wanting to fuck it up, not because you're so noble that once someone slipped a ring on your finger the desire to fuck other people magically disappeared. For most people, once committed, the active hunt for new sexual partners stops, but it doesn't mean that sometimes things just land in your lap and you have to say no.
Maybe this woman's unhappiness in her relationship was being broadcast out there and some people picked up on it and offered some fun in romper room, but she did do the right thing, she said no, I'm going to be loyal instead. You know like how when her partner was offered heroin the first time, she should have walked out of the fucking room.