Letters to the Editor
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You write so persuasively
you have won over almost all of the commentators here who generously encourage you to cut your losses. But there is one thing in this letter that bothers me, and that is that you passed up romantic opportunities, chances to "cheat," as your relationship slipped into this troubling, unrewarding phase. There is something in this calculation that is both breathtakingly honest and heartlessly narcissistic-- and therefore more profoundly dishonest. It taints the whole letter.
Are we supposed to give you special credit for this forbearance or share with you a regret for the lost opportunity to maximize your pleasures, your gratifications, your life opportunities? Without over-stating, it seems the character of marital-ish commitments is that they shift one's attentiveness away from the great sexual competition and toward other matters that build our social networks and communities, and in so doing build us into more mature people. So, what do YOU think these relationships are? Do you have any way to think about these matters whatsoever, other than the brute utilitarianism of pluses and minuses for you, her, and your child?
Most who have written here have given you their permission to not listen to any "shoulds," or to respond to "duty," or to pay attention to the expectations of others. But why do you think that whole better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health, forsaking all others, till death do us part stuff was put in place? Pitiful patriarchal crap that justified the mistreatment of women for millennia? I think you need to really think about how such an outrageous formulation came to be. Because right now is worse, poor, and sick-- and this is your chance to find out if these words are wise or idiotic. Cary is good at imagination in problem solution. Do these words take you to any place of love, strength, beauty, virtue, and dignity? Can they flex you into a bigger span of time, and a greater arena of life experience than you are trapped in now?
I'm NOT saying stay, stick it out, join Al Anon, do your duty. That is stupid and empty. This isn't a football game, a philosophy test, a merit badge, a chance to please mommy and daddy, or even credits in heaven. This is the highest seriousness and a crushing material reality. While your letter is certainly thoughtful-- and much of what has been written here about recovery is very helpful-- it is not yet quite serious. I urge you to get serious, before making such an important life decision.
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I want to say, Congrats lady!
For being a sensible letter writer, for wanting out of a bad relationship and having found a sensible compromise on how to help this person after she leaves rehab and make sure your child knows both of you, as long as she stays off the opiates that is. Far too many people write in to ask how to manage to stay in a bad relationship, so huzzah for wanting out like any sensible person should.
So yes, you get out. Don't listen to all the people telling you to stay, to try and find it in your heart to take her back. For some reason, people who you know are invested in seeing that their friends and families long term relationships stay intact. Perhaps they don't want to think about their relationship disentigrating, perhaps they are a little envious of the "get out of jail" free card you've been handed to leave the rigid life of monogomy and run free and wild. Plus the pity crap, oh but your wife will have such a hard time, so the fuck what no one told her to take Oxy or heroin. So when someone tries to convince you to take her back, just simply say I don't love her anymore and I'm happy when she's not there. If they don't like that, tough, maybe they can marry her.
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So y'all are both screwed up
You're not going to put things back together as a team, take it from me. Sure, as the theme of the last few pages of letters demonstrates, I'm certain you have your problems too--one of which seems like a hearty dose of denial. But as a person who's been one of the participants in a sick relationship, let me tell you that you're not going to get well together. Split up and then work on yourself.
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Hey, wait a minute!!
Are you going to regret this? The fact that you feel really relieved with the partner out of the house, and the fact that your child isn't asking about its other mother, doesn't mean this is how you're going to feel six months or a year from now. What originally attracted you to this person? Have you got some unresolved issues in your own background that might make you go right out and pick out a similar personality type and re-create the problems in this relationship all over again?
I also don't think you should be judged a bad person for any choice you make, but I'm also speaking from the voice of experience when I tell you that a competent couples therapist can make A LOT of difference in how you feel about your relationship. A while ago I was in similar straits, feeling like I was doing all the work, wasn't being heard, etc., and had a similar moment when the partner totally screwed up and I could have used the event as a reason to bail. Honestly, I'm glad I didn't...I did, however, issue an ultimatum that either we went to counseling or I would leave. I'm pleased to report some changes have been made that I would truly describe as "astonishing." (Note that I said a GOOD counselor can really help. Spouse and I went to another counselor previously that made things slightly worse...it's a good idea to shop around...)
This is *my own opinion* and I realize others may differ, but I think when you make a serious commitment to someone you owe the commitment, and yourself, some counseling before you decide to make a life-altering decision. It's great that you took the time to write to Cary, here, but I would recommend getting yourself and/or partner into therapy chop chop, so you can make an informed choice. You actually have a range of options here and it might help you to see what they are.
Best of luck to you. LoveBirds in Nashville