Hi...

I think that your feelings are clear.

You are happier now that she's gone, and you'd like to end the relationship.

If you feel that way, do it.

Relationships should not be held together by duty and obligation.

You are paying for her recovery costs..you have done the right thing..now take care of yourself and your child.

Give appropriate visitation, be kind, be caring, but don't get back in a relationship that you don't want.

That's not good for you, your child, or your partner.

Susan

You can relieve yourself of a burden, and come across as being mean and not as unsupportive as you *could* have been. Or you can get back into what seems to be a bad relationship and take a chance on feeling like a complete fool when-and-if she does it again.

I have a personal prejudice when it comes to this sort of thing, having been assured by a supposedly-recovering substance abuser that he was one of the (according to him) 5% of people who manage to kick an opiate habit. I was naive. And I had been socially-conditioned to be tolerant and liberal about such things. NO MORE! Granted, I may have swung a tad too far to the other side of things, but I feel that self-preservation trumps all other considerations.

This is the voice of experience speaking: You have just as much right to be selfish in your desire to be rid of her as she had a right to be selfish and do what she did to you. Don't let ANYONE "guilt" you into wearing an albatross necklace--because that's what substance abusers usually are: heavy anchors that will only drag you down, if you don't free yourself of them in time.

Stick a fork in it, it's done. Your feelings are clear, your obligations are clear; there's no there there anymore.

You might be friends with her, and she with your family; you may even be able to co-parent with her. But it's done. Time to move on.

You're speaking from the heart, and most everyone else is reading from a script. Go with your true feelings. Either she's hit bottom or she hasn't, either she's ready to get better or she isn't; whatever the case a clean break now is probably the only favor you can do her.

It's sad, but hopefully things will get better from here on out.

Her recovery does not depend on you. Your presence in her life may or may not make her recovery easier, but that's irrelevant--this is a situation she brought on herself, and it's a problem she will have to solve for herself. And what kind of relationship are you going to have with her now, anyway? One where you always have to wonder what she's doing behind your back? Get on with your own life.

Don't do what you 'think' you should do. Do what you feel. If you feel better (and it sounds like you didn't realize you WOULD feel better if this happened) you should take that as a sign that something was wrong and now it is right.

As a parent, I'm hoping you take care of that kid. Get them away from an abusing, unnurturing parent that can manipulate them. Get on with your life, love yourself, love that kid and perhaps draw someone in who can enhance it.

Good luck, and don't listen to that voice in your head telling you to 'stand by her'.

Socalmom

You get to choose and neither choice makes you a bad person.

One of my brothers used to use heroin; then he quit. Then he tried cocaine; then he quit. Then he tried meth; then he quit. I guess you could call him a serially addictive personality. Now he doesn't use any drugs except for nicotine, coffee, and an occasionaly beer. He's now legal. But those things are still drugs.

Another brother smoked and drank to excess. He quit both (not at the same time) cold turkey.

Another brother used everything he could get his hands on. He's dead. Car wreck. He was drunk.

My point is that none of them ever attended a single meeting or even saw a mental health professional -- although in my opinion they could have all used some help.

Me, I don't believe in a higher power (except Qi) and I don't use anything (except tea and a very occasional glass of wine). I've been to a few shrinks though. Shrinks are a mixed bag.

Legal and illegal drugs are just socially approved or disapproved categories. If your partner was just experimenting, she may or may not be addicted. The drugs may or may not have been the problem in your relationship. Therefore, my suggestion is that you throw out all your thoughts about what other people think and what the recovery plan is and even what your partner wants at this time. Instead, think about what you want.

You get to choose. Would you still have leaving on your mind if this hadn't happened? Do you think you would have eventually had leaving on your mind anyway? Think about your child. That matters too. I have seen and even worked in vocational disability with real serious addicts. If you think your partner is a real serious addict, get free. You don't have the commitment to stay. You don't want to go there and drag your child into that particular hell.

This is your lightbulb moment - listen to it.

Okay, let's say you're a parent and you end up abusing Oxy and it leads to heroin and it gets to the point where the police are involved and your girlfriend (and the mother of your children) has to borrow money to put you into rehab. And then you lose your job and your girlfriend and you have to start over. Isn't that sort of a normal consequence of drug abuse?

Whenever I hear stories like this, my first reaction is "oh that's too bad!" I never think to myself, "Jeez, that girlfriend of hers really left her in the lurch, what a bitch!" My sympathies go out to your girlfriend, she fucked up and now she has to deal with the consequences. And one of these "consequences" is that she ruined a relationship. But at no point am I thinking that your behavior is to be judged.

And I really have to question the judgement of anyone who is looking at you askance and urging you to take her back. Most people, upon hearing that someone they know is in a relationship with someone who uses heroin to the point where the law gets involved, would urge that person to leave her. I would only judge you if you allowed a drug user and felon unfettered access to your children.

Full disclosure? I've used drugs. I was lucky enough to never get caught by the police or my employers. I was able to stop using on my own without rehab or legal intervention and for that I'm grateful. I am lucky. However, if my drug use had led to serious consequences, I'd have no one to blame but myself. I took a risk when I used. End of story.