Letters to the Editor
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He's not taking you seriously
Hate to say it, but the LW is just a "transitional girl" for the still-married boyfriend. He's not including the LW -- or even thinking about the LW for the holidays -- because he doesn't plan on including her in his life down the road. Sure, he's giving in bed, because that's what their relationship is all about in his mind...making each other "feel good" as they sort out their respective marriages. But it's nothing deeper than that.
The LW needs to figure out her life. Does she want to work out her marriage? Does she want to get divorced? If she wants to get divorced, then she needs to realize that this current boyfriend isn't going tobe there in the long haul. But if the LW plans on working out her marriage eventually, keep the boyfriend around for now. He's good in bed, after all. As long as the LW doesn't want anything long-term with this guy, enjoy the sex. But if it's something more that she's afer, dump this guy. How can you take a man seriously when he doesn't even care what you're doing for Christmas after a year and a half of bonking you? Ugggh!
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Good call, Cary!
Yes, sometimes you have to hurt people you love a little bit in order to deal with your social obligations. That's what grown-ups do!
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Spot on, Cary!
You are large, you contain multitudes.
Happy holidays everyone...
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My dear Cary, of course you contradict yourself.
You are large. You contain multitudes. That's what I for one, (among many) love about you.
My dear LW, I think Cary has given you wise advice. Take heed. It's useful to think of the situation from your boyfriend's point of view, and try to find it an admirable, rare thing that he wishes to spend time with his family. If the "sweet thing" you two share is true, you'll spend a lifetime of holidays together, and with his family too. Let this one slide. Help him pack. Have a smile on your face when you part at the airport. Plan to celebrate together when he returns.
You could use this time alone to reflect on your own life, think about the marriage you are still in, and think how to bring it to resolution so that you, at least, can get free (if that's what you want). Reflect on what you and your boyfriend have now, where you're going, what's next. You get the idea.
The time alone and the quiet are gifts, if you can let yourself accept them.
Make plans with good friends. Volunteer somewhere. Read. Catch up on movies, or your sleep. All will be well.
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@Emily
Oops! I posted before I saw yours. Well, great minds...and all that. Cheers!
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This just doesn't sound right...
Both of you are still "technically married" to someone else after a year and a half of a "committed, monogamous relationship"? How does that work, exactly? Shouldn't you rid yourselves of those pesky ex's before worrying about meeting the 'rents?
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Communication Breakdown
First, there's nowhere near enough information to make any judgment about the respective marriages of LW and her boyfriend. Either or both could be "technically" still married for financial reasons, religious reasons, or whatever. What we do know, if we're to take LW at face value (and we have no reason not to) is that they are committed and monogamous.
But this couple's commitment and monogamy may not matter to the boyfriend's family, which, as Cary suggested, might well have all sorts of ideas and emotions about the breakup of his marriage.
That said, I think Cary gives the boyfriend too much credit for being considerate of his family, and dismisses too easily his lack of consideration for LW. This is not to judge the boyfriend, but rather to question the state of the relationship. It's pretty clear that LW and her boyfriend are not on the same page. Whereas bringing LW home for the holidays doesn't even occur to him (or so he says), she is upset enough to write to an advice columnist for help.
If these two were communicating clearly with each other, the whole issue of the holidays would have been discussed and settled in a way that made sense to both.
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Use your time alone at Xmas to think about this relationship
There may be really good reasons for your boyfriend to spend Christmas with his family without you. Sometimes this is the right thing to do, even for people who are deeply committed. But it wasn't all right for him to make this decision without giving you a thought.
It not only didn't cross his mind to discuss this decision with you, but, according to your letter, he has not even inquired as to your plans.
"Giving in bed" does not equal nice guy.
Despite the season, I'm not as generous as Cary about your boyfriend's motives. I wouldn't be surprised if there were lots of ways that this man either takes you for granted or doesn't really care that much.
And, hey, get divorced already.
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Get in your sleigh and get out of there
You are not in a committed relationship. You are two married people without enough motivation to make a commitment to your spouses or each other.
Your 'nice guy' just made it clear to you that you are not part of his life, and if he feels that way after a year and a half, you never will be. He's there because he gets sex without the hassle of trying to impress someone new.
Pack your belongings, pile them in your sleigh, make like Santa and head out of there. Do what you should have done when you left your marriage -- get your own life together. This relationship was just a way to avoid doing that. Don't wait until he gets back to kick him out, hoping he'll try to talk you out of it. His family probably is convincing him to leave you and then you'll just sit there and wallow in memories. Get a new place, get a fresh start. When Mr. Right comes along, you won't have to guess. He'll tell you himself.
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Time to think hard
I don't think he cares about you. Sorry - I loved Cary's response and as I read it I was feeling sympathetic to the boyfriend. But as soon as I stopped reading I thought - if he cares about this woman he will be trying to win his family over to his way of thinking about her. And he's not.
However, this doesn't mean he's not a nice guy. Why, if you're just getting out of a failed marriage, would you want to start getting serious and introducing your woman to the 'rents etc. WHY WHY WHY? I wouldn't, that's for sure. I'd be looking for a sweet pretty relationship that didn't carry all that baggage. For something that allowed me to give where I wanted to give - in bed is a distinct possibility - and not be obligated elsewhere.
That's what the BF is telling the LW: It doesn't cross my mind to see our relationship in those terms.
That don't mean he's nasty. It just means he's not serious. And why should he be? He's just finished with something serious, and look how that turned out.