Letters to the Editor
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Can relate
I am so glad to see this letter because I am struggling with the same issue. Every year I visit my parents over the holidays, and each year it gets harder and harder to do, I think because I used to hold out hope that one day they would accept me. I have begun to realize that they never will, and every visit is a painful reminder of my miserable childhood. I am contemplating not visiting them this year, for the first time. I am getting too old to keep up the charade, which I know I maintain to make them feel like good parents and like we had a normal family. It is a difficult decision though, because my parents will react as though I have decided to deliberately hurt them if I don't go to visit them. It just reinforces all the years of hearing about what a selfish, unstable person I am. I would think by now I would not be so bothered by what these people think of me. After all, I have been married almost a decade, have two kids, and am financially secure. I guess Cary is right when he says that people still hunger for the love of their parents even as adults, and that no amount of outward success takes away that inner sense of being an unlovable failure.
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Evidence the LW is a reader here
"I sometimes disagree with your advice, I find I can never predict what that advice will be based on the advisee's letter."
WOW!! How accurate.
Now to the LW's problem and my GOOD advice.
TO: Self hater,
Copy your letter here, delete the parts where you admit that you cry & whine and, SEND IT TO THE ABUSERS!!
If you allow the crying/whining to stay in there, it will only switch on their abi;lity to home in on your vulnerabilities to them.
We have spoken often here about bullies and their targets.
YOU are a target of bullies.
Edit your letter and SEND IT TO THEM.
When they call to attempt to bully you again over the letter, STAND YOUR GROUND!!
No matter what the milqutoast soccermommy types say, the ONLY way to stop a bully is to STAND UP TO HIM/HER.
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Good Advice - Pity Yourself
Cary did it again. What good advice.
There is a huge group of people of the "buck up", "get over yourself", "stop whining" school of thought. If you tell them your problems they will tell you about someone who has it worse so you have no right to pity yourself.
Well, LW, don't listen to those people even in your head.
Go to your room, and think about the sadness of your childhood and cry. Cry about the mom you really wanted and never had.
I had wonderful, hardworking parents but there were a number of sad, scarring incidences in my childhood when I was in fourth grade. It was the start of periods of extreme self-loathing.
At the great age of 40 I allowed my self to cry about those experiences. I really pitied myself. It really helped. But as everyone says it is a process. So whenever I felt bad about myself I start looking at myself trying to get at the voices that are making me hate myself -trying to see in my mind where they are coming from. It always led back to the young child I was in fourth grade trying to deal with a situation all by myself.
My periods of active self loathing are gone now. There are periods now when I am dissatisfied with myself but who isn't.
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@Re-parent yourself
Dear LW,
I am sad for you that you did not get the unconditional love that every child needs and deserves and that you still are subjected to hypercriticism from your parents. As an only child, I know what it is to have BOTH parents on your case at once: there's no one else to focus on, which makes it even harder.
As others have pointed out, you've done a wonderful job of survival and evolution thus far. Congratulations. Just surviving would have been an accomplishment: achieving what you have is definitely something.
But it's not "doing," but "being" that I want to address. Yes, your husband's love is a better mirror than your parents' criticism. But if the voices are -at- you in your head, you may fear "OMG, what if..." Evolving so that your self-esteem is intrinsic, not the reflection even of positive feelings is a good goal.
A good therapist (emphasis on GOOD) can help you re-parent yourself and bring yourself up right this time. Someone mentioned a journal. Another thing that can be helpful is writing letters from yourself as you are now to the child you were, loving that child and promising always to take care of her. Speak gently and lovingly to yourself.
I don't think you ought to break contact with your parents, but I like the idea of keeping it brief, impersonal, and focused on them. You could even say "Husband wants to say happy birthday to you too," if he's willing to help. The reason is this: they've already conditioned you to judge yourself harshly. This will add to the guilt, and the strength of the old tapes. You don't want to have anything with which to reproach yourself, and you don't.
Good luck to you. This is hard, but no harder than the challenges you've already met.
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LW: DON'T HAVE KIDS.
Please.
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@beware the Howlidaze
Please be careful of yourself during this alleged holiday season. It's rough on people without family and with disfunctional families. Hell, even the most virulent Family Fascists can't manage it well, or Newt wouldn't be on his third wife...oh dear, that didn't come out sounding proper, did it?
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Why?
I cut off my parents, they were evil, nasty, manipulative and controlling people, who wanted nothing more than to be the orchestrators and center of my whole adult life. They terrified me with their incessant demands and threats. I cut them off years ago, no talking, visiting, or writting. And I am prepared for them to croak tomorrow, and I will be relieved.