Letters to the Editor
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Hire an impersonator to make the calls for you
My dad's mother sounds very much like the LW's mother. She's a spiteful, venomous old bad who sank her claws deep into my poor father when he was a child, and has never let him go.
Seriously, LW, if you only interact with your parents via telephone, why not find someone who can do a reasonable impression of you on the phone, and pay that person to do the obligatory 10 minute birthday/holiday phone call? You can give that person all the info to convey, and the rest of it they can just wing, because chances are your parents don't really care about, or even really pay attention to, what you have to say to them -- all they want to do is convey their superiority to you, and possibly glean info about you (salary, promotion, new car) that they can brag about to others.
This way they can get their jollies with their snide put-downs, but you don't have to spend days recovering. Seriously, you don't have a genuine, authentic relationship with either parent, so why not hire a stand-in so that they can get what they seek out of their interaction with you, but you don't have to suffer for it? Probably your "understudy" will find them amusing -- it often is fun to watch a narcissist in action when they don't actually affect you.
Good luck to you.
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other ways to look at the problem
I keep seeing this theme in the advice column. There are many ways to feel bad about yourself at a pity party. My parents were sweet, supportive and loved me very much, but they both had/have very low self-esteem and a high level of anxiety which I have inherited, though in a lesser form due to exerted effort. If you're a professional with a happy marriage they must have done some good for you. I don't say this to defend your parents, who sound like they lacked many essential skills, but to point out that very few people have perfect upbringings, and people who have children are usually not acting in deliberate collusion to inflict misery. I wonder if there is some other crisis acting upon you which makes you feel unhappy, and whether the feeling comes and goes (that, frankly, is normal, if unpleasant).
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Some compassion for the parents
Think about your parents - but try to understand them as humans with many faults. They adopted you at some point, and this probably means they wanted to do something good for you. They probably hoped to become a happy family, thought they would love you, build a deep lifelong connection to another human being. It seems like they tried to do the right thing, even today they probably think that their "advice" is actually useful to you. Many people seem to believe that stating lots of negative things about others is a kind of tough love, which helps to identify and resolve problems. They probably don't really understand the devastatic effect that this has for you.
Some people, somehow, manage to do this to others - to completely drain their energy, to demotivate them, to cause them despair and hopelessness. This is quite apparently the effect your parents have on you. You've been strong enough to overcome this effect when it came to build your own life - you are not strong enough (and you know this because you tried often enough) to have a conversation with them.
So I'd advise to act on what you know - accept your limitations and theirs. I think you should be able to forgive them, love them for the good they did and the good they tried to do. I also think you should give up on having contact with them. You can send a card, or mail a present, but essentially you need to realise that you are not strong enough to build a relationship with them. It's ok to be sad about that and grieve about it, but don't try and fail again and again. Just realize that not connecting with them anymore does not negate your love, nor your appreciation of them - it just means you are accepting what you can not change.
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without self loathing we would have no liberals
Well far fewer of them at any rate. So, you're in good company. Wring your hands, beat yourself up and blame someone. It's all good.
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Sometimes
You have to cut certain people off, even if they're family.
To a certain poster who advised the LW to be grateful, I have to ask; why? Just because people choose to take a child in, adopt, or bring him/her into the world and provide for them, doesn't give a parent/guardian the license to be be hurtful in any way. Yes, kids are here because of them, but honestly they didn't ask to be brought here and nobody signs up for a lifetime of feeling unworthy. However one chooses to bring a child into their life and home, it's essential to do so with an open heart and PLENTY of love. Children are entitled to that, period.
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Cutting them out of your life means you lose, not them
Most of us are not crazy about our upbringing, although some had it a lot worse than others.
The great thing about being an adult is that we are finally free from our parents' chains, we can make our life whatever we want. No one can change the past. We can only go forward.
No, you were not dealt the greatest hand in life. But our happiness and satisfaction in life depends on making the most of what we've been dealt.
Some specific suggestions that might make you feel better:
1. Don't estrange yourself from your parents. People have this nasty habit of dying on us and then you're left with all this guilt.
2. Talking to a therapist on a regular basis
3. Getting in touch with your birth parents, if possible
4. Do something for yourself that you've always wanted to do, but that your parents discourage you from as a child. If they said you were a lousy singer but you love it, take singing lessons, or join a choir. You're an adult now and they're not the boss of you anymore.
5. I say no to the pity party. It does nothing except keep you in the same lousy spot you're already in.
6. Look towards inspirational people who were dealt a lousy hand yet made the best of it. Some of the best literature and movies are on this topic.
7. Be determined to get out of this and to make a life for yourself that works for you. Someone said that "if you place a small amount of worth on yourself, be assured that the rest of the world will not raise the price"
Life is short and fleeting. Don't waste too much time looking back. Easier said than done, but what isn't, and what else are you going to do?