Letters to the Editor
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Misery loves company
I see the fat, ugly person they (still) tell me I am when I look in the mirror...,b>
Seeing something that is not is indicative of severe mental illness.
Now let's get this straight. Either you were fat when you were young, or you were not. If they were concerned about you being overweight, then they were acting in your best interest. Maybe they did not go about it in a very intelligent way.
They also would have had some responsibility for you being overweight as they presumably fed you as a child. They should have put you on a diet.
Now if they really continue to tell you that you are fat and ugly, and you are not, then they are nuts themselves and should be pitied, put on medication, and referred to therapists--or just euthanized, probably the kindest option.
They told me that people I thought were friends "were just using" me...
Hate to tell you this, but all parents use this trick. I think they learn it in parenting classes. Often they are right.
We are all products of our environment and our parents or those people who stand in for them form a large part of that environment.
When we reach adolescence we often get into conflict with the adults in our life. This is a natural part of growing up and developing autonomy. Sometimes these conflict continue into adulthood, especially when the parents are insufficiently sophisticated to see growing pains for what they are.
The answer is simple. Hate your parents, not yourself. Cut them off. Change your phone number. Tell them you don't want to hear from them any more.
You probably find this hard to do, because you feel it would be cruel. Deep down you probably know that they chide you because they care about you, even if they are socially inadequate.
You are a successful professional now. Judging by the personality characteristics shown, you are almost certainly a nurse, and thus behaving true to type.
You are, therefore, actually an extremely valuable person if only you could see it.
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RevMom
RevMom - I hope the LW doesn't look for her birth family! I had a close friend, in a similar situation to the LW. He did that, and found that his bio mother didn't want anything at all to do with him. He was the product of a rape. Best for the LW to work on herself, and let sleeping dogs lie.
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It's not too late to heal
Cary, you did a lovely job of explaining things. LW, it might help to actually take out a nice picture of yourself as a child (without your parents) and replace your internal conversations with your parents with loving conversations with that little girl. You can look at her and tell her she will be ok. You can listen to her hurt and give her the happy memories now that she didn't have. Think of her/you as a child in a fairy tale, once given to this family by an evil witch, but now a strong woman who has broken the spell and escaped.
You can bake cookies with your husband, be a Big Sister to a child and go sledding or shopping or to kid movies. Volunteer to be a companion to a senior who always wanted a kid as cool as you are. Find a couple of close girlfriends and explain the pain and let them help you have fun. Look at the picture of yourself and your image in the mirror every day and tell her/you that she was fine all along and her/your parents were wrong. Repetition is key.
The bad memories are filling your head, so you literally need to fill your head with good experiences and thoughts to push the others out of the way. It really works, even late in life. I was in my 50s before I really figured it out, and having grandkids was the catalyst. I was finally at a point in life where I could give them the love I missed and in the process feel it myself and show it more fully to my daughters, who suffered from my sadness.
Therapy with a good therapist will help you work through the anger, release it and replace it with joy. Right now, your parents have made you their accomplice, beating yourself up when they aren't there to do it. Take the control away from them.
Write your parents a letter thanking them for what they did for you and explaining the hurt and pain it causes when you talk to them now. Tell them you will write short letters from time to time, but can't talk to them until you are stronger and they can be civil. Ask them to write letters instead, then have your husband read them and let you burn any mean letters unread. (Sounds silly but burning is a very cathartic ritual for some people.) Don't answer their calls. Maintain control.
Look for your birth family if you wish, but don't count on them to fix this. Keep the focus on taking care of that little girl yourself.
I am now at the point where I can have short conversations with my mother while I check my e-mail, pay bills and do other things to keep my mind occupied. The conversations are meaningless small talk, but civil and at this point simply a gift to a dying old woman who will go to her grave unable to feel the happiness I have. And I look at photos of those precious grandchildren and realize they will never be touched by that kind of sadness. I have broken the spell.
You have broken the spell. You have escaped the sad, evil trolls who raised you and you have created your own happy ending. Now, let yourself enjoy it.
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I do not hate myself - !!!
I am not trying to be smug to the LW but to chime in against the surprising suggestion by timbuktom that everyone on the planet hates themselves. I don't think so. Sure, I have issues from my upbringing and childhood. My parents weren't perfect but I never doubted that they loved me. If do not love myself as I did as a child (and I used to feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and happiness that I was me and no one else) then it is the cruel world which has done it to me. The message I have gotten from my parents is that I am valued, unique and wonderful. (OK, they have not always found everything about me wonderful, but basically valued and unique, yes.)
I feel at times impatient, disappointed, embarrassed, bored with and critical of myself, but I don't think I have ever felt anything even approaching self-hate. So my heart goes out to the LW and anyone who did not get the love and acceptance which parents, in my opinion, should shower upon their children as a matter of course and which is at least as important as shelter, clothing and food (over which my parents have never lost a word).
I don't think breaking off all contact with the parents is probably a helpful idea, not because she owes them gratitude or anything else, but rather because the complex yet strong nature of those bonds will make themselves felt and want to be acknowledged. Besides Cary's very good advice, I liked meliblue's ideas about tooting her own horn. It sounds like it might really work and it also reenforces another commenter's suggestion about keeping a notebook of positive thoughts.