Letters to the Editor
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Deep taproot of anger
I am both a little awed and disheartened at the depth of anger shown here in responses. So many people feel that they just did not get the kind of the love that they wanted from their parents, and like so many things that are in the past, this cannot really be changed. What we are talking about is how you achieve acceptance and resolution, and move on with your life.
I think the advice to cut off communications with the LWs family is wrong, and will only lead to guilt and recriminations when her parents finally get really frail and elderly, or die. Definitely distance is required, and a disciplined methodology for handling things like phone calls or holiday visits. Sometimes you just have to say "no", a good skill for the rest of your life.
In my own life, I have found that writing letters (where you basically have the microphone to yourself, and cannot be interrupted or hung up on) is very theraputic. There are times you need to mail these letters and other times it is best to file them, or even to burn them. But writing them can get an enormous load off your heart, and allow you to move on.
I do think a lot of the key to the LWs unique issues lies in the adoption issue she brings up in the first line, but then never readdresses. The reality is that far more adoptions fail than we want to admit as a culture: right now, as a result of the infertility of baby boomers who waited too long to have their families, we are as a society deeply enamoured of the idea of adopting, especially exotic foreign babies and "saving them" from poverty or 3rd World conditions. Deep in our hearts, we also think that these children will be incredibly grateful for being "saved" and love us fiercely -- the way you imagine a dog saved from an inhumane shelter might. But that's simply not human nature, and I think it has foiled many a well-intended adoption.
Babies have no idea where they came from, or what might have been their fate if "the good adoptive parents" had not come along and spend a lot of money to adopt them. Like all children, they think they were always going to have the big suburban house, their own bedroom, the toys and books and vacations. Children are not capapable of seeing things as any way except "the way things are". To a certain kind of parent, who expected a perfectly behaved, deeply grateful adopted child continually saying "Thank you, mommy and daddy, for saving me from the orphanage", this "entitled behavior" is infuriating. In their fantasies of the perfected adopted (and grateful child) there was no pattern for a child who whines or begs, who sulks, who doesn't get good grades, who rebels, and who is perhaps physically unnattractive, sloppy, careless, sassy, rude.
But again: these things are NORMAL and they are human nature. It seems like any adult old enough and mature enough to have children or adopt WOULD KNOW THIS, but many many people do not know this, and it results in many of the most tragically unhappy family situations. The child behaves, alas, like an normal kid and the parents, wanting the ideal child (especially when they have laid out cold, hard cash), are enraged and frustrated.
Secondly, the LW refers briefly to one of the chief issues being her weight. I hesitate even to bring this up on Salon, where the troll population is so high and any discusson about weight becomes a judgmental scolding about health and physical attractiveness. But then, their attitudes are scarily just like the LWs parents. I feel certain that the LWs parents, having gone to all the trouble and expense of adoption, probably had some very powerful fantasies about having a very attractive child (as well as obedient, successful, cheery, well behaved, GRATEFUL, etc.) and the LW -- probably reflecting her actual genetic heritage -- had the nerve to turn out heavier than they imagined.
BTW: the genetic propensity we all have to be thin or heavy is so strong that even if the LWs parents tried to feed her perfect healthy foods, her internal genetic programming would have won in the end. Of course, we don't know if we are talking about 10 lbs here or 100 lbs, but in the end it doesn't matter for the LW -- all that matters is her parents consistent message that "this isn't the child we bargained for".
It's worth remembering, too, that not all adoptive parents are tragically infertile couples. A shocking number of women adopt because they fear either the pain of childbirth OR the prospect of gaining weight, and with that gain, losing the power and status of being thin. (The fact that the LWs mom is so OCD about her weight hints at this.) Other people adopt because because they want to save heathen children in the religious sense, or because they hate something in their own biological past and think they can do an "end run" around it.
If the LW can get her mom to open up about this (back to the letter idea), this would be ideal for getting resolution about the past. But if not, not. Some people will never open and talk, and others will never be honest about it. The important thing is to get the anguish and anger and frustration out of the LWs heart, and I think this is the easiest way. Write it down.
Then walk away from it, emotionally that is. (Whether she mails any letters or burns them is up to the LW.) LW, you are more than the sum of your parts, and more than the past that created you. You have a great life now -- revel in it, enjoy it, live it.
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just a bit to add
HI, LW,
So many people have written with good responses; I'd like to add a bit more.
Who is the 'you' that you hate? Can you take a bit of time now and then to think about what you define as the current version of "you"?
If you define yourself based on your current actions and thoughts, then you can slowly take control of that, and build yourself into a person you do not hate. One writer suggested
writing a bit about yourself each day. I would add to that, write down one or two things you do each day that you know are good, according to your values, the values you define for yourself as an adult.
If you do kind things, for example, you have evidence that you can be a kind person. If you do generous, or patient, or
thoughtful things, you have proof that you are the person who acts with those attributes.
Take charge, and build yourself, on the basis of thought, reflection and taking power over your mind, into a person you can accept as valuable. This does not imply reaching for perfection, only trying, act by act, to integrate your own values into your daily life in the form of actions.
This will help. If your self-hatred is based on fears that they
were right, this will be an antidote; if it is based on
the fact that you do experience hatred and depression, this
will tip the balance to who you want to become.
It is an extremely profound choice to move out of the position of being a victim, of others and of ourselves. Toss their rule book; write your own and have faith in it.