Letters to the Editor
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Adoption might be the important point here ...
I am surprised so few respondents have mentioned the adoption issue. Adoption is a good and necessary thing which mostly works out, but occasionally it goes badly awry. In my own experiences, I have seen some adoptive situations where goodwill was there, but it was nonetheless an awkward fit and nobody seemed very happy. Biology is a real force in human affairs. Even with my own genetic children, I find myself favoring the one who seems to have the greatest genetic similarity to me. It's not intentional, I stop when I find myself doing it, but it makes me feel that adoption might be a very difficult process, especially when the adoptive parents are not very self-aware or intelligent people, and might feel some sense of failure in not physically creating their "own" children.
Also, the LW may have feelings about her adoption that are magnifying or distorting her view of herself and the adoptive parents. Everyone's advice is okay, but I think the LW might benefit the most from joining a therapy group for adoptees, or at least finding an online forum of adoptees. She might find more comfort there than anywhere else.
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You dont have to be adopted...
In my experience you dont have to be adopted or have parents that dont like you (or behave that way) to end up hating yourself.
Extremely over-protective parents will sometimes end up raising children and adults with some of the same issues as LW's...
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See a therapist and stop calling your parents
Others have said it and I concur.
You have no obligation to these people. It's nice that they took care of you but that doesn't give them license to treat you like crap.
Stop calling them. Stop contacting them. If you can't stand it, just send a birthday card with simply your name signed at the bottom.
Think of it this way: They clearly get some sick something out of treating you badly. You're not doing them any favors by letting them use you as a figurative punching bag.
See a therapist. Really. You can get these thoughts out of your head for the most part if you do. You must do this for yourself, for your husband, for your kids.
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Been There
Dear LW, My childhood was eerily like the one you described in your letter, from the adoption to the aggressive mother/pacifying father to the helpful advice like "they're probably just using you." Fortunately, my mother has calmed down, and to borrow another poster's phrase, the insults are usually unintentional now. I was lucky, in some ways, that I was raised with siblings (all biologically related to one another and to my parents) because they became meters of the craziness. My parents didn't treat them the same way, but my siblings' responses to my treatment told me that my parents were being unreasonable. It didn't prevent the damage but it made me feel less alone.
I want to echo other posters and Cary--you need to override/overwrite the damage they did to you as a child. Although I'm the kind of person who uses the term with giant scare quotes, I have to say that "inner child work" really has helped me (though I don't tell many about it b/c it seems so silly to some people). But you can't do it alone--there's too much you have to work through, too much that you won't recognize as being related, so find a good therapist. It is worth the money and worth the struggle that it will sometimes be to revisit a childhood you have probably spent an adulthood trying to forget.
As for the adoption aspect of this, people don't adopt altruistically (at least not always, although it's a common and convenient narrative used to explain adoption). I know this will not be a popular point, but adopters do it for themselves, because they want a family. They may also want to help a "suffering child" (and isn't that a lovely way to think of your newest family member? Can you imagine marrying someone because your perceive them to be "in need"?), but that isn't the only motivation. Just because they think they want children, however, does not mean that they are prepared to be parents or equipped to do it well.
But while adoption may factor into your experience a lot, ultimately, it's neither here nor there. _Why_ they treated you the way they did is not your problem (and spending too much time thinking about why may come perilously close to blaming yourself); the fact that they did is the sad reality, and I would urge you to get a little angry, too, that they treated you terribly, and now you have to deal with it. As for meeting your birth parents, I can't say that it will help one way or another. I did--I was "found" and did not search--and it answers questions, but regardless of whether the experience is positive or negative, it introduces another level of complexity into life that you may not want to deal with at this point. After a bad experience with one mother, do you really want to deal with another one? (I'm half joking, of course.)
I hope that these comments are in some way valuable to you. The very best of luck...
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People who really hate themselves don't wind up with professional careers and husbands.
Anonymous:
Sounds like I hear the sound of a little whine coming through. There's been many times that the topic of the day has not been to the readers' liking. Okay - I can attest to that one. But when you wrote "People who really hate themselves don't wind up with professional careers and husbands." is NOT true; I happen to know some pretty loving couples whose parents were inept at raising their children.
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Some Suggestions
Dear LW,
Hi, LW, I'm a therapist and I also think that Carey's advice is very good. Especially, the part about letting yourself feel sorry for yourself. As another writer mentioned, letting herself do that really helped her to start healing.
Our society sends out such ultra critical messages about "feeling sorry for yourself" that people suffer with these feelings, bottling them up and criticizing themselves. They end up damaging themselves more. Well, letting yourself feel compassion for yourself (i.e., becoming your own parent) and letting yourself feel the feelings of sadness, of anger, even of self-loathing (sounds paradoxical, I know), is the must do step of getting through this and healing from it. I simply cannot recommend this step enough. It is life changing.
If you find that this is truly overwhelming to do or you feel yourself "shutdown" when you do it, or feel spaced out in someway, please seek out a therapist who can help you. These are danger signals of deeper traumatic responses.
In truth, what you are suffering from is the long-time after effects of trauma from emotional abuse. Self-loathing is the ultimate symptom.
As far as how to deal with your parents, you need to take control of the situation. Your parents are both narcissistic and are "feeding" off being able to still control you and diminish you as a child (it's probably an unconscious high for them - usually is for narcissistic people). You can actually put an end to this and do not need to cut them out of your life to do this.
1. You need to identify what they say that is abusive to you. Exactly. When does it start in the conversation? How does it make you feel? Be very descriptive.
2. Once you have done that, you have a choice based on what you have done in the past that has not worked. What I mean by this is what is your reaction to them when they start the abuse? Do you argue with them? Do get very upset and yell at them? Just let them insult you? Whatever your reaction, it is reinforcing their abusive behavior. Do not feel guilty about this. This is an unconscious pattern that has been set up over the years. Just become very aware your reactions.
3. Once you have done this, you need to do the opposite. So, let's say you have never stood up to them. This time you say, "You know father, you and mother have been nasty to me (or whatever your description of it is) to me for a long time and I have put up with it. This is to let me know I will no longer put up your disrespect of me. If you continue with this, I am hanging up. When you can talk to me like an adult and with respect, then we will continue talking. If you cannot do this, then I will no longer have these conversations with you.
I can guarantee you at this point that he will be shocked but then will probably start even more abusive. Why? Because he will want to guilt-trip you back into being that submissive little girl. BUT then you hang up. YOU stick to your guns and leave the situation, phone or their presence. Eventually, they will get the picture. Be very calm when you do this.
Now, here's another technique by way of behavioral techniques, which is to "extinguish" their behavior:
For this, I'm going to offer up a story. I, like you had an abusive parent, my mother (although, I don't think as abusive as your parents). Either on the phone or in person, she would say the most hurtful things. One time she told me, because I lived "in sin" with my boyfriend, that if I got AIDS she would disown me. I realized after awhile that she did this to get a rise out of me. My getting angry at her, hanging up, etc, kept the pattern going. The point is, she KNEW that she GOT to me by my reaction.
I learned this while in school for counseling. I visited her for the holidays and waited (you could time the insult coming!). I was watching TV when she came into the room screaming. All I said was a pleasant "Yeah, Ma", and ignored her. She tried insulting me a couple more times, each time I just said "Yeah." and moved to some other topic and then... that was it. You know the most interesting thing? She stopped it completely. She never insulted me again. It turned our relationship totally around. I often tell my clients this story and, by the way, many of them have used the same technique with great results. So, look to your own reactions. Again, don't blame yourself. Just get proactive and take control.
Hopefully, all of this helps. And if my suggestions don't work I agree totally with what some other folks have said. Keep the conversations extremely short or if that doesn't work sticking to just greeting cards. Keep their poison out of your life.
One last thing, I thought the suggestion that one writer gave as to writing down all of the things you like about yourself. That's a very powerful healing exercise. Do it. I would also add to that of becoming more aware of all the things that bring you joy and meaning in your life, whether it's your husband, your friends, pets, sunsets, music, a smile on small child, whatever feeds you emotionally. Make a list of these. These are the stuff that happiness is made of in life. The more that you can pay attention to them (and let them be what makes you happy, not what society or someone else tells you that you "should be" made happy by) the more they will inspire and fill your life and prove an antidote to the unhappiness that your parents have left you as a legacy.
Best wishes.