Letters to the Editor
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DTMFA!
'nuff said!
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Family is who you say it is
Dear LW, I too came out of a family that was incredibly SICK. My mother was also very controlling like yours, and my father was just an abusive bastard. I was in therapy for a while, but whether in or out of therapy I have worked on myself consistently over the last 20 years (I am 40 now) and in return have attained a great measure of autonomy and joy in myself that I treasure deeply.
One thing this therapist said to me very early on was one of the best pieces of advice I have ever gotten. I kept going on and on about how I owed my parents and couldn't possibly say no or deny them anything, I couldn't deal because every time I interacted with my mother it was horrible and messed my mind up, on and on. And she said, "Family is who you say it is."
In other words, blood doesn't really buy a lot unless it is accompanied by love. People that love you are family whether there's blood or not. This is true whether we acknowledge it or not, so might as well acknowledge it and consciously BUILD our families: surround ourselves with people we know love us and not people who are just loving *themselves* through us.
For whatever reason, her statement so many years ago freed me from feeling obligated to -- in bondage to! -- calling or having other contact with my blood "family". And it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was able to establish my own identity, and found that the identity she'd put on me, the false one, the one that generated all the self-loathing, no longer had place or power in my life.
There are people posting here who would live or die for blood ties alone, but as a survivor, I say to you that family is who you say it is, and only you can say who is really family to you.
I would add that it is common for children of narcissists to look at themselves as their narcissist parent does in order to survive childhood. It is a form of Stockholm syndrome, literally, to identify with one's tormentor in order to survive. But this way that you look at yourself, this "identity", it's not yours. It is a mirror of HER self-loathing. And once you detach you will soon be rid of it and find a freedom you never knew before.
I could go on and on, but this I think you need most. At a certain point you have to get the poison out of your life altogether -- as opposed to working around it and trying to tolerate it -- in order to proceed with the process of healing and becoming authentically you. So let me say to you now: Family is who YOU say it is. Take care and God bless --
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@Anon 6:02 (Thurs around 10)
"No you don't
I'm a murderous sociopath and you're never at the meetings.
--Anonymous"
SO good! Ahahahhaaaaa!
Thank you. A good laugh is such a gift:
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Take care of yourself
Cary, good response. You hit the nail on the head with telling LW she needs to give herself permission to love the child she was, to heal the wounds of the love she didn't get.
I agree with everyone who said that a competent, caring psychotherapist would be helpful. You may also want to consider antidepressants; if you find one that works, it can help make you feel strong enough to proceed with the difficult, painful emotional work that needs to be done. And it WILL be painful, but it will be better than living with the endless negative voices in your head.
But most importantly, stop communicating with your parents until you're ready to deal with them as adults. You have quite correctly identified your mother's nasty streak and your father's unacceptable doormat behavior and failure to protect you. You owe these people nothing. Yes, they fed and clothed you. That was their duty, which they chose to take on. They paid for your college education; you paid them back by completing your degree and being gainfully employed, which are things you would hope any parents would want for their child. You do not owe them love or even contact in return for their treating you like dirt when you speak with them. You would not accept this behavior from any other adults in your life. Do not accept it from them. Until you can enforce the limits you choose to set with them, firmly ending every conversation where they say or write things that are not acceptable, you are not ready to communicate with these people.
There's no need for a dramatic confrontation where you tell your parents you won't be in contact for a while. Just... do it. Don't call, don't write. Get Caller ID and don't answer the phone when they call. Don't read their e-mail. Don't open their letters; save them and put them in a drawer until you are ready to reopen the relationship. If your parents write something extraordinarily nasty, they may ask you to destroy the letter unopened when you do communicate with them - if they ask you to, do it, because you can't remove the words from your brain once you've read them. But you will not be able to effect change in your relationship with your parents until you are ready to treat them like adults who are responsible for their own behavior, and to enforce the same rules with them that you expect all of your other friends and family members to follow. You won't be able to get to that point with your parents' voices in you ear.
Good luck!
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Did anyone who reads this column have GOOD parents?
Besides me. They weren't perfect, but they did their very best, and often, I think they did better than I do. I note that my sister, however, did not have good parents, and she is a much better parent than they were. Strange...
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Great advice Cary
You got me all teary-eyed.
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I Also Had Good Parents
My father is an alcoholic. My mother had and still has many emotional issues. My parents loved each other and loved their kids. Whatever issues I had growing up, and there were plenty, were in my rear view mirror by the time I hit 30. Btw, my parents are still together going on 50 years.