I'm surprised Cary didn't advise this LW to see a therapist. I suspect the LW will only be able to achieve the things Cary has recommended for her with the help of a good psychotherapist.

I have had similar difficulties with my parents, especially the 'feeling poisoned by them' part. Toxic Parents, a book recommended by my therapist, has helped me more than I can say. Here's a quick blurb about it..."All parents fall short from time to time. But Susan Forward pulls no punches when it comes to those whose deficiencies cripple their children emotionally. Her brisk, unreserved guide to overcoming the stultifying agony of parental manipulation--from power trips to guilt trips and all other killers of self worth--will help deal with the pain of childhood and move beyond the frustrating relationship patterns learned at home.

Hope it helps you and anyone else out there who has shared similar experiences.

I heard a great description recently that applies to children who didn't get, and still don't get as adults, what they needed from their parents.

It's as if you needed pizza and all they had open was a Chinese (or some other type of) restaurant (no ethnic slur intended). You didn't get what you needed from them as a child, and you aren't going to get it now. Ever. Period. BTDT.

So stop looking for it. You can either accept them regardless of the fact that their restaurant doesn't offer what you need, or you can decide you don't want to go to that restaurant any more.

Cary is right - spend some time grieving for that child you were, who didn't get what they needed. That child deserves your empathy, your sorrow. Then go find your pizza yourself - sounds like you already have, with a loving supportive husband and a satisfying career. You have to give that inner child what your parents could not, and it takes time. Write down what you like about yourself. If you have trouble finding things, write down every compliment you are given.

If you do decide to keep calling your parents occasionally, play a game with yourself. Guess ahead of time what they are going to say to be derogatory. It helps when you realize how predictable they are. When you get off the phone, feel free to scream out loud til the rage goes away. At some point, you will be able to pity them, and the rage will go away, because they don't have your love, and you are a worthy person (just ask your spouse!!).

I haven't read any of the responses yet, so more than likely others have said the same thing.

Yes, yes, Cary's right, they hurt you as a child and that can never be fixed. But he didn't address that they are hurting you NOW. You don't have to let them hurt you anymore. That's the first step towards loving yourself as an adult.

If your own self-image requires you to treat them with gratitude for the sheerly physical things they did for you, write them letters. Send them cards. Throw their letters and cards away unopened. Don't call them.

If you still want to call them, have your husband hold your hand while you make the call. Prep yourself. When mom says "Are you still wearing that awful hairstyle?" You say, brightly and cheerfully, with a big grin on your face, "Wow, what a hateful thing to say. Why would you say such a thing to another human being?" Repeat as necessary until your mother's head explodes. Don't let her draw you into a fight; you have nothing to argue about, since she has no point to make. She's simply wrong, as wrong as if she walked up to you and stabbed you with a knife. If someone stabbed you with a knife, you wouldn't stand there arguing their right to stab you, and how the stabbing was meant with the best of intentions, would you?

You may well wonder why your mother acts like this. Now, overall, I have a great mother... but she has her moments of saying stupidly cutting things. I've noticed that usually the things she says don't even apply to me; they are things her mother (who could be a stark raving bitch) often said to her. Once I noticed this, I had the tool I needed to fix the problem.

It's not your job to fix your mother. But it may be easier to deal with her if you think about what made her like this.

HI, LW,

So many people have written with good responses; I'd like to add a bit more.

Who is the 'you' that you hate? Can you take a bit of time now and then to think about what you define as the current version of "you"?

If you define yourself based on your current actions and thoughts, then you can slowly take control of that, and build yourself into a person you do not hate. One writer suggested

writing a bit about yourself each day. I would add to that, write down one or two things you do each day that you know are good, according to your values, the values you define for yourself as an adult.

If you do kind things, for example, you have evidence that you can be a kind person. If you do generous, or patient, or

thoughtful things, you have proof that you are the person who acts with those attributes.

Take charge, and build yourself, on the basis of thought, reflection and taking power over your mind, into a person you can accept as valuable. This does not imply reaching for perfection, only trying, act by act, to integrate your own values into your daily life in the form of actions.

This will help. If your self-hatred is based on fears that they

were right, this will be an antidote; if it is based on

the fact that you do experience hatred and depression, this

will tip the balance to who you want to become.

It is an extremely profound choice to move out of the position of being a victim, of others and of ourselves. Toss their rule book; write your own and have faith in it.