Letters to the Editor
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Help is available
Dear Secretly Hate Myself, Please please see a therapist. A therapist is not figuring out what your problems are, it's about figuring out yourself and having confidence in yourself. It can be life changing, in the most dramatic and the most subtle ways possible. I speak from experience, not so different from yours.
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what's worked for me
Buy yourself a little notebook. Start writing in it the things you like about yourself. Do this often. It's okay to repeat yourself. You don't have to believe what you write at first, but know that soon you will begin to. When you have those times that you hate yourself, go back and reread what you've written.
Also, learn to name the voices in your head that say you suck. Is that your own inner voice, the one deep inside your heart, or does it belong to one of your parents? Learn to shut off the voices of others and to listen more carefully to your own voice. It will grow louder and stronger and more confident over time, and the other voices will lose their power.
When you criticize yourself, realize that what may seem like hate is really love. You love yourself so much that you want to fix yourself somehow. When you realize you aren't broken, you won't have to try so hard to fix yourself anymore. You can just love yourself straight out.
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I only recently learned to love myself
We're all messed up because we were raised by imperfect people. Some of them are less perfect than others though, as it sounds like yours were.
My parents were typical Asian parents, pretty demanding, and while I was taken care of I definitely felt everything else was pretty conditional. Bring home six A's and a B, and it was always, What's up with that B? They tried to steer me away from things I liked to do, and they definitely let me know whenever something displeased them. Which today makes me a person who's secretly embarrassed by his hobbies and his true self and wants to let others know when they've displeased him.
But a couple of weeks ago in the middle of the night, during a multiple-times-hourly bout of self loathing and recrimination from my inner critic, I just answered back: "It's okay. You're okay." And a wave of acceptance and good feeling washed over me, because it may well have been the first time I'd allowed myself to feel compassion (and not pity) for myself, instead of the usual litany of "you should"s and "you're bad"s.
I try to answer my inner critic with that now whenever he pops up, and it seems to help. I had a couple of great days after that revelation, and while it's always a seesaw -- two good days, one bad one -- and never a straight-upward rocket ride to the moon, things are better than they were before. It's a slow process, for sure. But you have to do it for yourself, because you're worth it. And if I can learn to love myself after four-plus decades, then I know you can too.
Best of luck.
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Get it out
Is it possible to fictionalize your story? To "write" it as catharsis in a way, a release? I was just thinking of other stories and people who have done unforgivable things to one another. When it is something we read in a book or see in a movie we have clarity because we are somewhat removed, so this may be beneficial.
Is it feasible to attain a therapist for EMDR or another who specializes in an area that may be useful to you? Can you do this? I ask b/c it is probably expensive, but really, this is worth it. Some may barter or do a sliding scale, but until you search you won't know.
What has happened in your life you soul is experiencing for a reason. It makes no logical sense of any sort, but I believe it is true. You are evolving and you are stuck but someone can help pull you up and out of the muck. It will suck and there is hard work ahead, but you just took a step
...so what's next?
P.S. Cary is back. Good advice.
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just read...
the other letters posted and I would like to reiterate what lazynamepicker said:
Not every thought is real.
Thoughts are just thoughts.
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I'm strangely disappointed.
People who really hate themselves don't wind up with professional careers and husbands. From the headline, I thought I was going to get an existential trip into the mind of a truly interesting person; instead all I got was this lousy t-shirt that says, "I can't deal with my crappy parents."
Enough of the crappy parents letters! Tell LW to e-mail them twice a year and be done with it.
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Take charge of the relationship
I think the LW should dump the evil parents. She owes them nothing. She mentioned being greatful for the things they gave her, like an education, but gifts from manipulative people are a form of manipulation.
I once had a step parent who I cut out of my life completely. Self respect required that I take ownership in the relationsip, and I choose to end it. Initially it was like a charade, I pretended that we had nothing to do with eachother and it was almost silly. But it was real, and now I am free.
Best of luck
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I've been in your shoes
When my mother was dying of cancer all I wanted from her was to hear, "I'm sorry, and I love you" after all her years of emotional abuse. Of course, I never got it. After this my father ended up with a basket-case who drove me away from him as well.
The thing is -- you can only blame your parents for 'messing you up' to a certain point. And then you have to take responsibility for yourself and realize that you have the power to give yourself the love that they never gave you. You can't blame them forever -- or that anger will eat you up inside.
For me, my mother's death was tragically sad, but it also gave me freedom from her criticisms. Then I chose to take a year off from speaking to my father. When we did reconnect, I guarantee that he was a lot more appreciative of me than he was before. I was a woman, and wasn't going to take any of his crap any more. That, and he had no one else to pick on in my absence because he'd driven all his friends away with his belligerent behavior.
My small piece of advice to you is this: spend more time with your loving husband. Confide in him and ask for his help in healing your wounds. Take time off from the people who push your buttons and trigger those feelings of hurt. Don't spend time with them out of obligation--remember your obligation to yourself, and your own happiness. Good luck.