Letters to the Editor
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Cut the ties
Let me add my voice to the chorus of people telling you that you should cut ties with your parents.
What you do is set up an account for their use in their twilight years and have a little money automatically deducted from each paycheck and put into that account. They get the money in 20 years or whatever. Social contract/adopting you/presents/college? Got 'em covered!
The last communication you have with them is that you tell them about the account and that you are done with them. No calls, no visits, you will not attend their funerals, you will not attend any other family functions where they may be. Line in the sand.
I would also recommend you look into some books about sociopaths. Most people associate that word with psychopath or the Hitlers and Stalins of the world. In fact, most sociopaths are-- and I'm going to all caps this to drive the point home-- EXACTLY LIKE YOUR MOTHER. Your father is most likely not a sociopath, but at this point he's damaged goods beyond repair. In fact, he most likely let your mother abuse you to take the relentless heat off of him.
Cutting ties with your parents is easy enough. They ruined your childhood, they thrive on ruining your adulthood. By cutting ties you will take control, you will make the Big Decision.
What will be difficult about this endeavor is all the other people who will be shocked at what you've done. Like all good hollow men, your mother has never done anything overt, she's never crossed the line into physcial or sexual abust-- the things that would allow you to flee with sympathy from others. You will get almost NO sympathy from others for this course of action. It will most likely be very annoying for the first year or so.
Right now there is no pop culture model for dealing with the sociopath parent. That's what makes this so hard. Maybe the grandmother out of "That 70s Show", maybe the Cotton-Finally-Dies episode of "King of the Hill" is about as close as you can get. Almost every other family drama pretty much ends with the parent being affectionatly misguided. So that's what makes it such an uphill battle against the third parties of your life who just don't get it.
That's annoying, but you've already been through much worse.