Letters to the Editor
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I'm very sorry for your loss
You have had quite a lot of devastation to digest in such a short time. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you.
A therapist is the best answer for you, at this point. You need an independent third party with whom you can discuss the hurt and betrayal you feel. With a therapist, you can voice all the hate you feel--or will feel--and work through until you find forgiveness (not the same thing as condoning the behavior) for your late husband. It will be neither easy nor quick.
Meanwhile, be sure you protect your children from the knowledge of their father's infidelity. It is not their business, nor should it become their burden.
Best of luck.
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Unknowing Something
People say they want the truth, but we can only deal with a limited amount, and then we want that blend of truth and our illusions that we can live with.
We can't 'unknow' something. But if you could 'unknow' about this affair, you would still have grief, sadness, and probably depression. And it's like, "damn you, not only did you die on me but you left me in a position where I can only be angry at a memory."
I won't say that I went through anything as intense as your situation, but I did have to deal with a death in the family. Prior to the death, we didn't have the will to work through all the old issues. Instead, we sat around and declared victory and it was nice and even though it there was an element of spin, there was also a lot of truth. Not the whole truth, but I thought it was enough. Anyway, after the death, there were some additional issues and they fit into a pattern of betrayal, and I was both sad an angry and wanted to agree with the 'victory' version, but the facts kept getting into the way. The real betrayal was just carelessness. It wasn't a felony or breaking one of the 10 commandments. Even writing about it gets me worked up. No one got anything out of it except pain and for no reason other then carelessness. But as time went on, there were other surprises, and they were not negative (almost positive) and then I realized that I was never going to make sense of it.
What your husband did was undefendable. Leaving the evidence around the house is inexcusable and careless.
I also unfortunately know more than I would like to know about internet relationships. I don't know any details, but he needed something and maybe he got it or a little of it. Without excusing what he did, I think it is counterproductive to get too caught up in labels like cheating, infidelity, adultery, etc. Among other reasons the terms are so perjurious is that they cause so much collateral damage, especially with children. He did what he did, but he at least tried to mitigate its effect on the children and you. So don't minimize it but don't blow it out of proportion based on labels. It was mostly typing. All I'm saying is don't lose perspective.
A lot of life is both knowing too much but never knowing enough. I'm sorry for your loss and the additional painful information, and for your young children. Good luck.
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Fallout Shelter Fantasy - Off Topic - Amerigo
You somehow end up in one with that girl that you always had this unexpressed thing for. You have the radio on the emergency channel and the ICBM's are on their way. You have a half hour and you look into each other's eyes and don't even have to say a word.
(in other words, rape in this situation is idiotic - and remember, this is just fantasy)
I think that this scenario actually happened when Orson Wells broadcast War of the Worlds. At least a couple of times.
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Advice for LW
LW, I've gone through the cheating half of what you're going through right now, so I'll speak to that: What he did does not invalidate the years you had together, the memories you have of your marriage, or the life you thought you were living all that time.
You know whether or not he loved you and the children. It's possible to love someone and to do something incredibly hurtful and stupid anyway. It will be hard and take time, but eventually you will get to a place where you can remember the good times with happiness and they will not be completely overshadowed by what he did.
Also: seek professional help, as others have suggested, if you haven't already. And: I think it's really important to tell other people about this. Not everyone you know, but perhaps your immediate family, if you're close to any of them, your close friends, etc. You may feel that you want to protect him from the judgment of family and friends, but he's gone and you're here. You need their support, and they can only fully support you if they know the range of emotions you are dealing with.
Good luck! You'll get through this.
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more about the cancer....
.....I was diagmosed with stage 3 cancer last year, and my doctor cheerfully told me, "Well, just make the most of the time you have left!" It took a while for me to get to the part about being grateful for what I had, for a while, all I could think about were the opportunites and things I've missed. Maybe your huaband's affair was something like that -especially if you married young.
As far as dealing with others goes, if anyone brings up the affair to you, you can shut them down with a "I don't want to talk about it" comment. It's your business, your grief, and you don't have to let busybodies in.
Good luck - this is awful. Oh, and FWIW, I was lucky, I'm in remission now, and I fired my original doctor.
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Write him a letter
The problem the LW has is that she can never confront her husband with her questions, not just that he's cheated or just that he died. The crying/screaming bit is something that is probably common to all who grieve. It's the fact that she can't get answers to this betrayal of trust.
So why not write him a letter asking why this happened? Write all those questions you want to ask and tell him what you would say if he were still in front of you. This may give you the clarity of thought to ponder the good times you had as well as expressing your anger and hurt as well. It may help you to assess the relationship for all its merits too and keep you from getting bogged down in the bitterness you (justifiably) feel now. I'm sure a counsellor would be good, but I'm not into that and the LW might not be either.
Illness does some crazy things to people and for all we know, without the cancer, this situation may not have arisen. We don't really know how we would behave and although it was dishonourable whatever way you look at it, fear can make cowards of the most formidable people.
LW I hope you can get through this without destroying too much of your memory of your husband. You are early in the grieving process and it will eventually lessen. No matter what happens when people die, most of us feel anger and question our relationships and our memories. Yours is on a grander scale, but it's a difference in scale, not of kind. Good luck, it isn't easy, but you can do it. I agreed with someone else who said to ask for help too, not just now, when the pain is strongest, but in the coming months when it's a long slog and people may not know that you still need help. Don't be afraid to ask.