Letters to the Editor
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Just awful
I'm sorry for your loss. This letter is hard to digest. I don't even know what to say except that cheating has little to do with the one who is being cheated on. Your kids... I hope you have support and many loving friends and family members near enough to be helpful. I barely scanned this because my own little ones are all yelling, but I think Cary said to focus on grieving and later you can process the betrayal. The first part has to come before you can do the second.
My sympathies are with you.
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To walk a mile in his shoes
I'm interested in the fact this man died of cancer which no other response has addressed; last I heard Cancer was a slow burn; not like he got hit by the proverbial bus;
who amongst us all would not take a minute to re-address priorities- however selfishly- when faced with a terminal illness; we have no knowledge of his life- maybe his wife lost herself in raising 3 kids and he felt like this was a last chance for happiness.
Yes, his wife got hit by the proverbial bus with this knowledge- but people, life is a hard road and certainly not always fair.
Seems a bit judgemental to grind axes from the sidelines- or maybe that's just the tendency this column serves for some-
we don't truly know the entire story- put the whetstones away and get out the shoes.
Happy Holidays- take a breath and TRULY think of others
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Cheating spouse deceased
The LW's husband died of cancer a week ago leaving her with three young children, and she found out about the affair too.
Her emotions will be in turmoil. Hell, I used to tear up for weeks after my mother died, even though she was old and it was expected and she lived her life to the full until a couple of weeks before her death.
It will take time, lots of time.
Regarding the husband. I don't know why he did what he did, but it is possible that he knew he was dying of cancer and that may have influenced his desire to do what he did.
The desire to have sex--passionate, hot sex with a new partner is an incredibly strong force, and if you know you are going to die, then maybe you feel you might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb.
Did he believe in an afterlife, or did he think that death is final?
When I was about 14, it was the height of the cold war and my friends and I would say that if we knew a nuclear bomb was going to land tomorrow, we would rape the nearest woman so we did not die virgins. Unlike the 9/11 gang we had no faith in an afterlife with sexy women. I guess we would not have even known how to rape a woman, but the basic idea seemed to be that imminent annihilation changed the rules of engagement.
I don't think he intended to hurt his wife and children. He probably intended that she would never find out.
Maybe the experience was a great balm to him. Or maybe it was an abysmal failure. We shall never know.
Most men are not really monogamous at heart, though they may not tell their wives this for fear of hurting their wife's feelings, or of being beaten over the head with a saute pan.
With time the LW may be able to let it go and remember the good times. I am sure her husband loved his family and did not want to die and leave them behind.
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Grieving Two Deaths...
When two living spouses have to come to deal with the public and mutual acknowledgment of infidelity (and there are various forms of infidelity, the amount of meetings or the type of interaction doesn't have to add up to sex to have an adulterous impact), the fallout is significant. In many ways, the spouse who was cheated must come to terms with the fact the person he or she has loved was not who the spouse believed that person to be. Maybe that person never existed, and the one-time perception of loyalty and safety that was once there passes away...It dies. This is something that is grieved, and it is usually grieved not only by the spouse who was cheated on, but the spouse who did the cheating. Maybe dialogue follows and that which has died can somehow be reborn. Maybe this death marks the end of the partnership altogether.
In this case, you can't address this first death with your husband as you might have been since he himself has passed on. There can never be a dialogue of explanation, and, regardless, your partnership with him has ended. Because the second death is of a person rather than a feeling, it is absolute and the only rebirth that is possible is your rebirth. Can you be reborn with all that has happened to you and all that you have suffered? Though something in your marriage might have died before your husband did, can you separate that from the new woman you need to become to care for your children and yourself? My deepest sympathies are with you, but as you take up this new journey, know that it is a moment in which you can also begin again. You were no more at fault for your husband's affair than you were for the cancer than took him. Now gather your strength, put one foot in front of the next and turn the corner.
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I am so very sorry for your loss
I am deeply, truly sorry for your loss. I am also very sorry that you were betrayed. I do not know why people do the things that they do.
Please be good to yourself and take care of yourself. Think of all the people who care about you and who are sending you their most sympathetic and healing vibes. Many of us, the faceless Salon letter-writers, also send you our very best.
Be good to yourself. Be good to your beautiful children. You will heal. I promise you that. You will heal.