Letters to the Editor
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Oh super
So you are an honest, loyal husband and you can't even sign your screen name, seriously?
Sure there are men like you, they are just rare and hard to find and many times when a woman finds a man she thinks is like that then finds out 5 or 10 years later that nope, he's just a good liar. Until this man died, I'm pretty certain that this woman thought that her husband was loyal and would never dream of hurting her this way. I've got many girlfriends who state, oh my man would never ever cheat. Then find out, oh I guess he would. If I found out my husband cheated, I'd head straight for divorce, no pass go, shove your I'm sorry's up your ass. But I would eventually try to forgive him and remember that we had many great years of laughter and fun and new life experiences we shared together. I wouldn't want to reduce a lifetime into what a goddam scumbag who didn't deserve me.
There is no way to tell beforehand what kind of fidelity your spouse will be able to follow. Especially as the years go by and the looks fade and wrinkles and grays appear while there are always crops of young and attractive men and women out there and available.
If we can forgive people for their drug addictions, their gambling problem, whatever their issue is, having sex outside a marriage is just another problem some people have. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the person being betrayed, but it doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't eventually try to forgive the person for doing something harmful to you.
If she had found out instead that he had been gambling away their money and she only found out about it after he died, I'm sure that she'd feel equally shocked and betrayed, but eventually she would be able to forgive him.
Of course sexual betrayal is unbelievably painful and destructive, sexual intimacy is basically what makes married people married and not best pals or roommates.
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How angry this thread has gotten!
Wow! Such fury and emphatic statements from people who have never gone through what her husband went though -- that is to say, dying -- or what the LW went though, finding out the man whom she thought was faithful was not.
I don't really think dying changes people much. We would all like to think that death approaching will give us some sort of epiphany. Many people are suggesting, perhaps hoping to comfort the LW, that her husband was probably always faithful and then suddenly had to screw around a bit before leaving the mortal coil. Cool. I hope I have the presence of mind to remember right before I die that I want to get laid. However, I suspect I will behave as I have always behaved and will be my same hesitant, timid self.
My father died of cancer. All his life he was a self-centered, whiny, sometimes charming man. During his dying, he was a self-centered, whiny, sometimes charming man who remembered to tell me he was sorry he had been such a lousy father and, at the same time, poisoned the well with my brother by suggesting that I might have lied about something I did not actually lie about. In other words, he was a bit of a phony. He was dying. What a drama! Better stir that pot a bit. Curry favor with the skeptical daughter while stabbing her in the back with the rivalrous son. In other words, while he might have wanted to appear to mend fences, he was actually stringing barbed wire.
He was who he was. He didn't really change. I expect when I die, I will pretty much still be who I am, faults and all. Maybe I will see a bright light and feel lifted towards the heavens, but I won't know until I get there and I am surely not going to spend time trying to figure out the motives of the LW's husband, a man I didn't know. Apparently, the LW thinks she didn't know him either. I think, in time, she will find that he did. He will have left his little trail of breadcrumbs to his true character just like we all do and she will have the advantage of hindsight.
I will say this about my father: He would have never cheated on my mother. I believe stepping out was beyond even his modest manipulations. He too much wanted people to see him as one of the good guys. He would even take back a nickel too much change to a store clerk if he had to drive 20 minutes to do so. He was a hard worker. He was a romantic who bought my mother impulsive gifts and frilly blouses and nightgowns that she rarely wore. He had a ruthless backhand. No, I don't mean tennis. I mean punishment.
LW, maybe you should take a little vacation once you have tied up the strings of death. Right now, you need to reconnect with yourself. Nursing the dying is brutal work. Your husband probably took that effort of yours for granted. You are tired, aren't you? It doesn't matter if most men cheat or if most men are faithful. What matters to you right now is that your man cheated. People who would rob you of your righteous anger are foolish, but they don't like to speak ill of the dead. They are caught up in the same quandary that you are: How to offer/find solace and still apportion blame.
I would leave that. Time will teach you that. Instead, think of where you can go and what you can do that helps you feel connected with the world, maybe the natural world, maybe the world of art or music, maybe a hobby that you haven't had time for. Go there. Be.
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I'm so sorry for your loss
I lost my husband to cancer last year and know how devastating the grief is at only a couple of weeks out. My heart goes out to you.
If you don't feel ready to face counseling, you may find comfort in talking to others young widows at www.ywbb.org. There are many who post there who are dealing with complicated grief. They, better than anyone, will understand what you are going through.
As an aside, to those who believe cancer is always a "slow burn" you should know that the time between diagnosis and death can be as little as few days with an aggressive cancer.