Letters to the Editor
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To anon who's angry
Okay, did you seriously equate having sex with being a serial killer? Do you seriously equate what a sadistic freak who permanently scars and ruins the lives of many people for his perverse pleasure equal to a dying's man dalliances?
Dying does strange things to people, if my spouse was dying, what would depress me would be that out of everything left to do on earth, everything left to see, what he wants most is to have sex with someone new. Seems to me a lack of imagination.
But anyway, sure it wasn't a great thing that he did.
But he was dying before his time, or at least most of us imagine to be old and gray when death knocks on our door. We don't know him, but we don't want the living wife to feel horrible about herself. It's not her fault that he went and cheated.
She had been with him 13 yrs, they had kids, he had to be a certain person when with them and his death was on it's way and maybe all he could see was an opportunity to be someone else for a while, someone who wasn't sick, dying, old. Maybe sex was a great joy to him and even though he loved his wife, who knows if having sex with her also created feelings of loss, knowing that one day he'd be leaving her and the children. With this Hong Kong woman, it could just be free, uncomplicated orgasms, just pure joy with no feelings of loss and grief. Maybe making future plans gave him hope of actually making it to the next year.
This grieving wife will need to find a way to forgive a man she can never confront, never get an explanation from and she has to do it for herself. If thinking that maybe he did it only because he was dying can help her get to that place then so be it.
But of course people are sympathetic, there have already been two men who wrote in that they cheated. If we took a poll of everyone who's posted, asking if they have never ever cheated on anyone, girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse, I'm sure we'd find that at least half of them have cheated on someone at some point in their lives.
Some people cheat once and hate the way it makes them feel about themselves and never do it again. Some people cheat who like one of the LW to Cary's column feels no regret or remorse and loves screwing around on her husband.
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@ Anonymous 10:23
I don't value sexual relations in the same way some do, it's so base and random, it just doesn't hold much weight for me.
Of course sex is base and random, that is the whole point. It is all to do with being wild and out-of-control and losing the sense of the ego, albeit temporarily. It is a drug, just like music, only quicker.
You women spend too much time watching The Young and the Restless and forget that it bears no resemblance whatsoever to real life. I love the way your favorite adjective to describe sex is "sleazy". We know nothing about the LW's husband's sexual affair. Maybe it was the most joyous experience of his life. Based on my own limited (ahem) experience of sex, it is never sleazy seen from the vantage point of a participant, but always sleazy when imagined by a third party.
What is particularly galling for highly educated women is that highly educated men can enjoy is just as much or more with women of all social levels. In fact sex is positively communistic and ought to banned. Oh, yes, it already is. I almost forgot.
I think we all feel for this poor LW. The woman is saying "I feel like dying" and you can't get much worse than that.
Now I don't think I can do anything to help her at this point, but an interesting question is what would it take for her to be able to get to the point where she is able to say: "Well, dang, I always knew that he was a horny bastard, but this takes the frickin' biscuit. Just wait till I see him on the other side and give him a piece of my mind. Then he will know for sure how hot hell can be."
Therapy, maybe. Time, hopefully. Reading this letter definitely.
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This Must Be a Very Difficult Time for You
And I'm very sorry for your loss.
First of all, therapy should be really helpful for you now.
Secondly, is it possible that your husband's infidelity was triggered by the cancer? Did he have brain tumors? Brain tumors have been known to make people behave severely out of character. (OK, my knowledge is from a Law & Order episode I saw about this, but it's an idea.)
Thirdly, David Lodge wrote a wonderful novel called "Thinks..." with the main character in a very similar situation -- reading it might give you some comfort.
I hope you feel better.
Finally, Cary, being "imperfect" is not the same thing as committing a calculated betrayal. I think you did the LW a disservice -- you made it sound like she was overreacting. You might want to phrase your sermons a little more carefully.
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Powerful medicine
LW -- I agree with Cary's answer but I would add the following simple thought -- why not maybe just try forgiving him? I take it he died a young man after suffering from a horrible and undoubtedly painful disease, leaving behind 3 young kids. What's to be gained from your holding on to this?
If you don't believe in a higher power, well, pretty much the worst that can happen to any of us in this world -- death, painful death -- has already happened to your husband. If you believe in a higher power, than either that higher power punished your husband for his sins with the suffering he was made to endure here on earth, or else surely he's getting his just desserts in the hereafter.
Either way, what you are feeling is more than just anger -- it's incredible frustration at not being able to confront him with your discovery and to find a way to make him atone. But it seems to me the antidote to frustration is forgiveness. That's the power (maybe the only power) you have in dealing with this knowledge. To be the better person about it, to let it go, to not burden yourself (and more importantly, your kids) with useless anger about it. I think if you use that power you may find a way out of your darkness.