Letters to the Editor
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Jimmy Choos and last meals
Amerigo, This is anon for obvious reasons, none of which intends to chastise or slam. It's just that you wrote something interesting.
The Jimmy Choo comment aimed at you was hysterical, and at times I'd be inclined to do exactly that with your Shakespeare-lovin' horny self. However, at least one woman is agreeing with something you touched on:
"How can any of us say what we might do if we were told we had a week to live. Those women who believe their husband would want to curl up on the sofa and pop a video of Brief Encounter into the DVD are frankly psychotic."
If my wonderful husband's wishes, upon hearing he'd be dead soon, were to have random sex? He'd have my blessings! I doubt that would be his request, because he's pretty happy with what I have to offer (arrogant me?). It would seem odd that this is the best he could come up with for such precious time, and my 'final meal' would not include random sex, or any type of affair because people are not commodities to be used for pleasure. But everyone is different.
I don't value sexual relations in the same way some do, it's so base and random, it just doesn't hold much weight for me. Deep human connection, with or without intercourse, is valuable. A different kind of loyalty. Emotional loyalty, truthfulness, and being able to completely be yourself, dying or not. We're all dying when you think about it anyway.
It is clear that LW has a lot of work to do and that her husband just left her with an open wound. She is suffering tremendously with these complex feelings and she's in a kind of he** we can't imagine, unless we've been there too. It is true, what has been said: You just don't know until you are in it!
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Apologies if this was said already:
Dear LW,
He lived with YOU. He had three kids with you. His affair sucks but it was not a major part of his life, and it should not be a major part of yours during this time of grief.
I have noticed that when someone dies, the remaining spouse often very often: finds someone to lash out at. Usually someone innocent. Have any of you noticed this?
So, LW, you are lashing out at something hard for you but not truly relevant since your beloved is DEAD. That is the issue, how to grieve not how to rage. Lots of folks lead double or triple or quadruple lives. At least you did not find out that he was married to another woman in another country with five more kids. His infidelity could have been a LOT worse, though you can't hear that now.
As others said, I believe, leave the anger and stick with the grieving process. That is more than many have on their plate and you need to go through it, with a grieving group ideally, or a great therapist, should you be lucky enough to find one.
Your rage is understandable and as said, common, but the crime imho, does not fit the level of your anger. If you can focus on your real loss, your husband's death, then you will come out of this better if not quickly, than if you focus on what to me is quite peripheral. Love to you, LW
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Hey threephi
Next time you get a man, just do what I do, assume the fuck head will cheat at some point, everyone pretty much does.
-Anon
And in the man's mind, it's easy to rationalize that there's not a huge difference between a picture of a lady he's never going to meet and some text from a lady he's never going to meet. etc etc
-Allie
I think these last two comments are perhaps more an expression of the kind of men you are acquainted with than any actual demographic data. As a man, I am offended by these off-the-cuff indictments of an entire sex. Yes, anyone can cite are a lot of individual examples of men who have cheated, lied, and betrayed their partners. But so too for women. Neither case means that the entire sex is by its nature inclined to betray their loved ones.
Threephi
Learn to read, I said everyone cheats. That includes men and women, since I'm a woman who dates males, then yes, the men I meet and date at some point after 10 years and kids and weight gain and stretch marks, will probably cheat with some young cute office pal who gets a crush on him. I may cheat at some point, I don't know. All I know is that I know lots of people, people I would never imagine would cheat on the spouses later confess when the divorce proceedings start to happen, oh yeah I had cheated on so and so two weeks after we got married. These are varieties of people, people I went to school with and have known for 20 years, people I work with. New friends, gay men, gay women. Just people who over time admit to an affair they had in the past. People cheat, they can't ever tell their spouse something is wrong, they can't face telling their spouse they are bored sexually, they don't want to lose the marriage and the house and blah blah blah, so they cheat, because it's easier than starting all over.
So many people you may think never ever cheat on their spouses, probably have. It's generally kept secret, even my best friend didn't tell me about her affair until she was engaged, she needed to tell someone and find out if it was okay to marry the guy she cheated on. I said, eh, just give him a pass if one day you find out he cheated on you.
I could have cheated on my husband numerous times and absolutely no one would know. I'm sure plenty of people do the same, I watch married people leave bars with people I know aren't their spouses. I watch friends of my husband buy drinks for other ladies when their wife is out of town. I've got a few divorced aquaintences who eventually mention the marriage ended because someone cheated.
Most people cheat, the few who don't aren't the norm, they are the abnormal in a good way. Most people just keep their affairs very secret, from their friends, from the family.
One woman I know is sleeping with a married man, it's a friend of the family. No one knows but us, her co-workers because we're the only safe people to tell.