Letters to the Editor
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Anger
The anger comes from never having the oportunity to confront her husband with his cheating. Had he been alive, something could have been done. What that was, well, it differs person to person.
Now she can never have it out. And she is expected to be greiving and feels she can not express her anger at having been fooled and believing in someone who was unworthy of the trust.
I do not buy the "we are all imperfect" crap. Yes - we are. But many many people are able to conduct themselves honourable to those they vow to honour.
Why is it that women are always told to forgive the philandering husband because he is "just a man"? Any man who makes that comment is just asking to be taken to the cleaner by some gold digging woman - who is "just a woman".
The letter writer has a very good reason for being angry. She needs to find a safe place to express this. Counselling is such a place. It is going to be very confusing for her for a while until she can separate her emotions out. The grieving for a loved one and the anger at being betrayed by that loved one.
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What's "normal"...
Normally, grief around the death of a spouse is for loss of the future... loss of the life you had expected to have together. In the darkest times, comfort is found by looking back at the past, and the good things you did get to share with that person.
Grief around discovering that an affair has taken place is for loss of the past... loss of the life and love you thought you had, but found out that you didn't (at least not in the way you believed). Comfort and hope are found in thinking about the future, and your ability to move on to a better life, and to become stronger, having learned the truth.
So this LW gets both - it feels like there's no place to find comfort or hope, because both the past and the future feel spoiled. It seems impossible right now to find any comfort, but it does come.
The thing about grief is - the darkest times don't last forever. It's hard to imagine while in the thick of it, but the pain does fade, slowly, like flood receding. Good things will gradually start showing themselves again.
You will start to see little islands of hope when you look to the future, and of comfort when you look to the past. You'll hold onto those, and they'll grow, and there will be more of them. There's no "closure," but life will become bearable again, and eventually it will be happy and full again.
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Why do we belittle the grieving?
Surely to God this woman knew her husband wasn't perfect. This is about betrayal. This is about her powerful need for justice and explanation coming into violent conflict with her deep grief and need for reassurance. She has no where to place her anger. She has no idea how to communicate to her children who their father was now that she is filled with rage towards him. That is what she needs help with. Blithely outlining the five stages of grief will not offer all the help she needs. Cary, you only went halfway there with this one.
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Yes, only imperfect
Sexual infidelity is not the worst betrayal possible. He could have completely abandoned you and the children with no home and no resources. He could have beaten you and molested the children. He could have done many things that, believe it or not, would have been worse than "cheating."
Fidelity is hard. Some people fail at it. That doesn't invalidate all the good in their relationships. I know that's hard to believe now, hard to feel, but it's true, and someday it will be important for you to remember it.
Take care of yourself. As someone above said, forgiveness really is good for your soul. That's the only way I know of to reach peace. It won't be instant, but it is possible.
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You're just going to have to use your imagination
LW,
Try to imagine the conversation that would occur if you could have just one more day with him, one more marital discussion in hushed tones in the bedroom while the children are asleep. What would he reasonably say to you? What explanation do you think he'd likely give? Imagine the conversation, listen to what he might have to say, write down your rage, work it through.
Was he diagnosed with cancer when the affair took place? If so, maybe he just needed a totally separate person to know him for the last time. Maybe he just needed a place or a person where he wasn't a dying husband, facing the excruciating knowledge that he'd be leaving his wife and three small children. I can understand that. It sucks, but maybe he wasn't after cheap thrills, but maybe he just needed a comfort that he couldn't burden you with. Dying does crazy things to people. It's no excuse, but I can imagine the strong possibility that the affair was a final burst of overwhelming needs, and had nothing to do with his love for you. It's wrong and he betrayed you, but maybe it was just a fear-caused mania.
Or maybe he was just a cheating scum-bag. In that case, maybe you can imagine that you would have left him? Or that had he lived, you'd live through a terrible divorce, custody battles. Or that you'd go through therapy and be stronger than ever?
So just try to imagine how things might have gone had he not up and died on you. Then pretend that you've had a discussion, you've made a decision to either forgive him or leave him, and then imagine that he dies after you wrap up this unpleasant business. So now, are you a grieving widow, or a grieving ex-wife?
I'm so sorry for you. This is probably the worst thing that will ever happen to you. It'll get easier by this time next year.
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Purge, Forgive and Move On
I can't imagine just how overwhelmed you must feel right now. Please take comfort in the fact that so many people are thinking of you at this time and sending good wishes and prayers as evidenced by these letters. We all want you to get through this terrible time as soon as you comfortably can. We want you to take care of yourself and your children with good meals and sleep. We want you to reach out for help further, beyond the Salon community to your friends and family and a licensed grief/family counselor.
You do need to purge your grief and anger. Your feelings,whatever they are, are correct for you. Let them come out as they need to but remember that you must to continue to protect your children during this time. They have lost their dad.
Please face the fact now that you will never truly understand why your husband did what he did. Dwelling on it,contacting the "fling", going over all the small details endlessly etc. etc etc won't hurt your husband. He is beyond hurt now. This behaviour will only hurt you by prolonging the anger and pain. Don't do this to yourself, please.
His cancer, his affair are not your fault. You can't ever control another person, even one that has entered into marriage with you and agreed to the same set of rules and values that you did. Cary is correct. Your husband was an imperfect person, he was flawed. He was human. I can tell you this though - if you knew your husband to be a decent person, husband and father for the most part then you can be sure that he would be horrified by what he has done to you. You were together for a long time and your shock over his affair says that your marriage was at very least good and real. If he knew how you are feeling right now I could imagine that he would be horrified that he has caused such turmoil over something that in the end was so trivial. He would be distraught that he took the most important people in his life for granted. He would apologize sincerely and repeatedly for the hurt that he has caused you and your children and beg for your forgiveness.
Forgive him. Maybe not now, or next week, or next month. But make no mistake you must forgive him. When that day comes, and it will, your heart will lighten and you will know that it has passed. You will also understand that you are still here and you are going to make it.
It is my sincere hope that in some way this letter has helped you.
I wish you peace.
Jayne.