Letters to the Editor
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Purge, Forgive and Move On
I can't imagine just how overwhelmed you must feel right now. Please take comfort in the fact that so many people are thinking of you at this time and sending good wishes and prayers as evidenced by these letters. We all want you to get through this terrible time as soon as you comfortably can. We want you to take care of yourself and your children with good meals and sleep. We want you to reach out for help further, beyond the Salon community to your friends and family and a licensed grief/family counselor.
You do need to purge your grief and anger. Your feelings,whatever they are, are correct for you. Let them come out as they need to but remember that you must to continue to protect your children during this time. They have lost their dad.
Please face the fact now that you will never truly understand why your husband did what he did. Dwelling on it,contacting the "fling", going over all the small details endlessly etc. etc etc won't hurt your husband. He is beyond hurt now. This behaviour will only hurt you by prolonging the anger and pain. Don't do this to yourself, please.
His cancer, his affair are not your fault. You can't ever control another person, even one that has entered into marriage with you and agreed to the same set of rules and values that you did. Cary is correct. Your husband was an imperfect person, he was flawed. He was human. I can tell you this though - if you knew your husband to be a decent person, husband and father for the most part then you can be sure that he would be horrified by what he has done to you. You were together for a long time and your shock over his affair says that your marriage was at very least good and real. If he knew how you are feeling right now I could imagine that he would be horrified that he has caused such turmoil over something that in the end was so trivial. He would be distraught that he took the most important people in his life for granted. He would apologize sincerely and repeatedly for the hurt that he has caused you and your children and beg for your forgiveness.
Forgive him. Maybe not now, or next week, or next month. But make no mistake you must forgive him. When that day comes, and it will, your heart will lighten and you will know that it has passed. You will also understand that you are still here and you are going to make it.
It is my sincere hope that in some way this letter has helped you.
I wish you peace.
Jayne.