Letters to the Editor
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Pockets of Peace?
Cary,
I usually love the thoughtfulness of your advice to people. I think you’re a treasure in this world because of it. But in this case, I have to post a response, since your whole “pockets of peace” thing is way off-base. You say “I often wonder how the world would be if we approached each interaction, especially each difficult and conflict-ridden interaction, as an opportunity to practice a spirit of brotherhood, even to the point of personal sacrifice.”
Well, I say that’s a great, wonderful, effective way to get pushed around, walked on, passed over in this life. As for me, I often wonder what the world would be like if people lived up to better ideals all around, so that conflicts like this aren’t so sadly often the reality of modern life, especially in America. I hate the idea that when faced with someone violent or crazy, many of us feel the need to retreat from this--to, in effect, not only lose to this behavior but actually reward it with our compliance.
The decent, hard-working mechanic seems to want nothing else from his neighbor than a fair shake for services rendered. A more effective solution would indeed be small-claims court, family services intervention for the lil’ criminal kid, and pressing charges on the father for the vandalism and terroristic threats. Why is the answer always to ignore threats—yes, threats—like these, to maybe pack up and move away and just hope for better treatment elsewhere? In this world, there have always been people like the Dale Carnegie dropout the letter-writer describes. Why, though, are we always so quick to let them win!
By that I mean that the real solution is that bully trash like this man’s derelict neighbor and his juvie-hall son need to be straightened up. See, people like that only understand and respond to legal or violent threats. They don’t respond with respect to any equivalent to a plate of home-baked brownies and a hug. This isn’t some Hallmark-Hall-of-Fame movie.
People like the ex-con neighbor need to stop being the sorts of psychopaths (see the writings of Dr. Robert Hare and his Psychopathy Checklist) who don’t follow rules of not just society but simple human decency. I’m so tired of people doing the cruel, insensitive, heinous things I wouldn't (from a legal, moral or other standpoint, take your pick) and just bouncing along in life getting away with it. This sort of stuff starts with things like parking in handicapped spaces, cutting in line, letting a dog bark all night long, for example. All the way to getting out of legitimate debt through threats of violence (nice lesson for the ex-con’s kid, by they way. Way to raise another deadbeat criminal!)
And the kid, as a kid, being cruel to animals isn’t anything to take lightly. Were they not dead, you could ask Jeffrey Dahmer or H. H. Holmes about what that leads to.
And so you know, I come to these opinions the hard way. I was bullied so often as a child in formative years that it affected many of my vital choices in later life. I lost out on opportunities for friends, lovers, even careers because of self-esteem issues I still wrestle with at age almost-40. So you do people no favors with the sort of Pollyanna advice that includes wishes to have them foster ineffectual “pockets of peace.”
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Cary, Are You Crazy?!
I don't think so and I think you would be a very good neighbor. But a "little pocket of peace" might be better accomplished by ignoring the problems and keeping clear of that guy and his son. If there's more vandalism, report it.
If the LW does what you say, he's going to be viewed as a helpless person, a "mark" for sure. Hey, I live in Mexico where my friends and I have been taken advantage of many times. I try to learn from each experience. Actually, I've only been ripped off by the same guy twice. But he's a charming con man and it was my fault. I wouldn't think of trying to get my $ back just because his mother seems to die every couple of months. The last time he needed surgery and asked for $ I told him I was sorry to hear about his health but I could not help. He smiled his cute, charming smile and laughed. He knows I know and there won't be any more requests.
Re getting ripped off by providing services - I was a lawyer in the US for many years. I had a huge amt of accounts receivable. If the LW got some of his $ he's sorta lucky. All business people get ripped off, but most of the clients aren't neighbors so it's easier to take. Just don't let there be a "next time". Learn how to collect a reasonable amt up front. I've never had my car repaired either in the US or MX and picked it up w/o paying the account in full. That should be a lesson learned. An expensive lesson.
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take a life lesson
The problem is that you were mistaken about how trashy people behave. You cannot ask trash to discipline their children; you must call the police about vandalism. You cannot expect trash to pay bills without a legally binding agreement, or indeed, WITH a legally binding agreement without the prodding of the courts. You must get everything in writing and be willing to litigate, or let the money go.
There's nothing you can do at this point but pray the guy moves, refuse to lend him any more money, and take as many precautions as possible to protect yourself and your property. Don't argue with him. If he threatens you, call the cops. If he vandalizes you, call the cops. That's what civilized people do when someone commits a crime.
I'm a little perplexed about your business practices. Don't you write up an estimate and have customers sign it? Don't you have them sign for the work that's done before letting them have their cars? What would you do to get the money if this guy WEREN'T your neighbor? As a contractor, you have to look out for yourself because no one is looking out for you. If you want to survive as a business, you're going to have to learn a few things about what you're doing.