Letters to the Editor
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It was a dark and stormy night.....
Cary is spot-on right with this one. It's not about writing or painting or any other activity, it's about control. You have to say no.
If your dad wants to do what he does, it's his time and money. But you don't have to be sucked into the position of critic who cannot ever criticize.
A simple "I don't know" is one way.
How would you deal with a child who tried pouting and carrying on if s/he did not get her way?
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so many people, so much projection
A lot of these responses seem based far more on the readers' experiences than on the original letter writer's letter. The letter writer didn't indicate that the father was a monstrous, soul-sucking tyrant intent on torturing everyone around him. The LW loves the father. It would be easy to break ties and make everyone hate everyone else and put the father in his place; the LW almost certainly has thought of that option. What's needed are the options he hasn't thought of, that will make everyone happy.
(By the way, it drives me nuts trying to write about someone without being able to use pronouns. Yet another LW who isn't identified as male or female!)
Cary deliberately avoided the deeper issue, but I think it needs a second look. The father desperately wants the approval of his family members. If he were a dog, he'd be doing backflips, trying to get a treat. He thinks he can order his family to be nice to him and compliment him, but of course, compliments you have to beg for aren't compliments at all.
Letter Writer - there has to be something your father does that makes you admire him. What is it? If you can compliment him honestly, you may not be asked nearly as much to compliment him dishonestly. Your father is retired, which means he has free time, but it also means he isn't getting praised and rewarded through a paycheck for his work. Many men find that the transition from wage earner to retiree is a huge hit to their self image.
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More than just eccentricity
The letter writer's father sounds like he may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The clues in the letter that point me in this direction are his grandiosity, his need for acclaim, his apparent lack of empathy and insight, and the rages that bully the family into providing that acclaim. Of course, he also sounds like he may have Bipolar Disorder (strange sleeping patterns/periods when he doesn't need sleep, obsessive energy in creating his "masterpieces," grandiosity, depression and emotional lability). Or perhaps he's afflicted with both.
LW, I would encourage you to look up both of these conditions online (Suite 101.com has a great section on Narcissistic Personality Disorder), and see what you think. If your dad is Bipolar, medication might help. If he's Narcissistic, it may help you to read about other people's experiences.
If your dad won't accept that there's a problem, and won't see a therapist, at least if you have an inkling as to what is going on you and your family may be able to better decide how to deal with this. I'm very concerned about your mom - imagine what it would be like to be all this man needs for social interaction. Sounds hellish to me.
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Narcissistic personality disorder?
No Critic-
I would suggest that you get online and do some research into Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'm no psychologist, but as the child of a parent with a personality disorder, I'm hearing some very familar symptoms. Walking on eggshells...that's a very common sensation to kids of parents with pds.
Just reading about this disorder will let you know that you're not alone. Even as adults, children of parents with pds suffer terribly. There is usually no cure, as most afflicted with these disorders will never seek help. What you need to do is focus on drawing your own boundaries, protecting yourself, and not being drawn into the usual cycle of fear, obligation, and guilt (or FOG, as us "kid's of" call it.)
There are many online support groups out there, so please, reach out for help. You're not alone. You can find more information at the website BPD Central.
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Those who can, do. . .
What an odd set of responses, including didactic, heavy-handed, long-winded, rigid definitions of what a writer is, and how a writer must work.
What a writer is, is this: someone who does not want to (or isn't able to) fit into the 9 - 5 grind of a normal career; someone who doesn't want to be told what to do. Someone who has very little sense of the quality of her/his own work, and must often write an apprentice novel or two before finally turning out something publishable.
For most, that's the end of the fantasy: the golden reward of "getting published". The assumption is that the book, once in print, will magically rocket to the top of the best-seller list all by itself.
The truth is, the writing is about 15%. The rest is promotion and trying to get noticed. In the huge majority of cases, that does not happen. There isn't much room at the top, and most remain at the bottom of the pyramid.
If you could help your dad see that writing is (in his case) its own reward, that he is pursuing an activity he loves and which he finds totally absorbing, then he might be able to let go of that magical thinking. It's possible his self-esteem requires these fantasies, this desperate hope of "some day". Can you feel some compassion for him, even though he comes across like a heavy-handed windbag?
As for critiquing his work, how about this: "Sorry, Dad, but I think your work deserves to be assessed by a professional who won't be prejudiced by family ties." Tell him that real professionals (and he wants to be one, doesn't he?) aren't content to have their friends and relatives critique their work. They're friends and relatives, for God's sake - of course they can't be objective! Look around for an editor, a good one, and offer to pay for the service. Yes, this could be a real letdown for him and may cause him to throw another screaming tantrum, but isn't 65 kind of old for that sort of thing?