Letters to the Editor
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no sympathy for the husband...
I don't know, LW, the 'cup of decaf' and 'one beer' that throws your husband into his 'depression' (which manifests itself as sulking and behaving with no respect to you) sounds like excuses to me, plan and simple.
We all have bad days once in a while, we all have stress in our lives, and we should feel safe enough to behave badly in front of our significant others, and be forgiven. But are you sure your husband just isn't treating you badly because he knows you'll take it?
Maybe instead of thinking up a strategy of how to tell your kids their dad acts like an asshole you should stop tolerating his asshole behavior. Does he want to get better? Has he been diagnosed with depression? Does he recognize that this is a problem for your family? It doesn't sound like it from your letter. It sounds more like you bearing the burden of having three children in your house instead of two.
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Why Let the Father Off the Hook
You forgot the part when she tells him to get his ass into therapy to deal with his s*&t NOW, so that he doesn't destroy his relationships with his kids.
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Depression is no excuse
for your husband's treating his wife like crap, and especially in front of your children. Seriously. You are far more understanding than I would be. And congratulations for learning how to not walk on eggshells. Life is too freakin' short!
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Adult Babies
I was married to a depressed man. In my experience, depressed behavior is nothing like your husband's behavior. He sounds like an adult baby to me. Sadly, there are lots of them in the world.
Please reconsider teaching the children how to tolerate an adult baby.
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Talking with kids about a difficult parent
Cary,
You are only half right. It places children in an impossible situation if they are forced into being conspirators or enablers or colluders. They do not want to be burdened with the role of an adult siding with the other adult. However, one adult can be really useful as a third point in a triangle, by supplying reasonable explanations for the behavior, ie providing info and additional perspectives that they can use that makes the impact of the behavior of the other parent less mystifying and that undercuts the children's almost inevitable vague or explicit fantasies that it's their fault. This can be done quietly in private or in front of the other, in this case the offending parent. This is common sense. Dad's cranky because he doesn't feel well, let's leave him alone until he feels better. Or mom's tired or busy because she's got such and such to do. It is good for any two people in a family to be able to share their feelings about the situation, because they are free then to help each other understand what's going on, internalize it less, and not have to fantasy the worst, ususally including self-blame. Once again, Cary is not wrong. It's just that not every conversation about an offending or difficult parent requires that the child side with that parent. It can simply be a helpful conversation that allows the child to clarify the facts and legitimize their own feelngs and private burdens based on (1) the simple weight of it (2) mystification and wide spreading worst case scenarios with no reality check about what might be going on. It can stop useful communication as well as harmful communication if nothing can be said except in public.
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Well Said, Cary
I, too, had the experience of one parent talking to me behind the back of the other parent (usually dad, but mom too, sometimes) and it never felt good.
I also had a pouty, grumpy, mopey father who acted, as other readers have described this husband's behavior, like a big baby. He was allowed to act that way, and I wasn't, and it bugged the crap out of me. Why was a grown man allowed to act so badly, was indulged and coddled even, to prevent his further "moods," while I, a small child, was held to standards that were so much higher?
I don't think the issue is really about talking to the kids about your husband's behavior. I think it's about talking to your husband. The kids are going to either grow up resenting him for getting away with it, or acting just like him. Neither is good.
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oh yeah
In before "get off his case and stop haranguing him, you shrill, controlling harpy! This is why men don't get married anymore!"
I swear these letters get picked solely for their angry-troll click-generation potential.
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Spot on, Cary
Whatever gets said, say it together. Dad has to acknowledge his behavior, apologize for it, both for the past and for the future, and together they can give the kids tools to deal with it. "Kids, when you see me start behaving in this manner, you need to know that it is never directed toward you, but sometimes it may feel like it. The best thing to do is to let me know that your feeling uncomfortable, and steer clear until I can get it under control." [Substitute with whatever the right words would be- ask a professional.]
He doesn't have to promise to be better, but he has to promise to do everything he can to address his illness. Then he has to keep his promise, and keep keeping it, for however long it takes.
Learning to acknowledge an illness and deal with it, knowing that you will still be loved and helped as long as you are trying to help yourself, is a lesson these kids may need to know for themselves one day. Don't miss the educational and coping opportunity here.
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From Both sides of my Brain
Two issues are really at hand here. 1: The fathers behaviour, 2: How to help the kids cope, handle, deal with, their fathers behaviour.
Let me deal with the second one first, as the child of dysfunctional parents who were drunks, one into prescription medications in large doses and suffering from Schizrophenia and other mental Illness. I would get that little talk from one parent or the other telling me what was wrong with the other one. It always put me in that uncomfortable place that Mr. Tennis has it right, don't take them aside from the father and talk to them. It's not comfortable, or healthy. Healthy families - and I have done a good bit of reasearch on the topic - talk about problems openly and honestly with one another, that means, all together. It may uncomfortable, but, well so is that chat about sex.. goes with being a parent.
But, and perhaps first, we have to also deal with that first problem. The husbands behaviour. I'm going to say up front that I have no qualifications to make this statement as far as being a professional. I'm only someone who is saying this because it sounds a lot like the way I acted before I got treatment. There may be a brain chemistry problem, sometimes referred to as a mental disorder.
My wife and I would get into discussions over some small matter of disagreements and, well, there are a couple of restauraunts we don't go any more because the awful scene that played out there are too memorable. There were the nights I didn't sleep and days I paced around and could not keep my head on one thing long enough to make sence.
There were days when I was so depressed that I could hardly force myself to move, or pull one healthy thought out of the mush running in my brain.
And, days where both happened, or a mix of them.
Then one day at work it all fell in on me and that lead me to a few days in a hospital, and after some twists and turns, including firing a Psychiatrist who told us to "live with it.", and finding a different one who cared, I finally figured out that I had BiPolar Disorder. I started taking the medications, doing therapy, learning how to handle situations differently and think about them differently. In 4 years I've managed to get a handle on most of it. I take the medications, I do theraphy and yes I still have my days, but then, don't we all? My wife and I went into couples theapy and learned how to talk to one another again in healthy ways that let us function, being the couple we were. The fights are fewer, and milder and I don't think I'm putting a scare into folks like I used to.
Now, I don't know if that is the case with your husband, but at miminal, he may need some mental health help. My problems actually surfaced in my 20's, which is a sign of the BiPolar Disorder problem, but, back then, I was changing doctors so often, no one noticed my cycles.
Can you and he sit down and make a plan of action? Is there someone, perhaps even trained clergy that he would be comfortable talking about this with? Perhaps finding a therapist to talk with. Sort this out with, not necessarly to find out the exact problem - you might explain it to him that way - but to just talk about it with.
NAMI has a lot of information on their website and there is a lot of research going on.
Let me put it to you this way. In my heart of hearts, in that small kid inside of me that was hurt in those years with my parents, I wish that one of them would have worked with the other to deal with their problems. We would have all come out of it better. Perhaps one day your children will reach that same point, but they will say "And, we did something about it."
I do wish you peace and well being.
Venetian Milwaukee