Letters to the Editor
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On a more practical note
Something like:
"I had a really nice time with you, and I especially appreciated [your choice of venue/your stories/your butt/whatever], but I don't see a romantic future for us and you deserve to know that up front. Good luck with your search for the right person, though I'm sure you won't need any, and thanks again for a pleasant [evening/afternoon/whatever]."
often does the trick — unless the goal is actually to not put a decisive end to the affair, because having someone dangling is gratifying. In that case there's no real nice way to put it, because it's fundamentally kind of mean.
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Bravo
Cary, you had me rolling on the floor. Excellent!
To the LW: Granted, I am married now and it's been a while since I had any blind dates. But, it sounds to me like you are really not ready to be dating. At all. If you are so impatient you can't be bothered to have a second date with a guy you really enjoyed, just because you can't now imagine yourself locking lips with him, well, you've got a problem. You're not ready. I suggest you stop wasting these poor guys' time -- you're looking for something that likely does not even exist for a super-busy, super-stressed single mom. You dont have time or energy, anymore, to be instantly infatuated.
NOt to mention, if I recall my first dates, I remember that mostly I was trying to figure out things like, "Are you sane?" and "Are you smart?" and "Do you have a criminal record involving small children?" and not so much "Do I instantly want to take you to bed?"
OK, maybe I was wondering that, too, but I was typically more focused on those initial important questions.
Agree to give them all 3 tries (unless you actively hate them) or stop dating until you are ready to give this project the time it deserves/needs.
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Zing
While Cary's answer was funny, I agree with the other person who said it was also a tiny bit mean-spirited. Just because she's picky doesn't mean she's wrong to be picky. She has a child. She's 34, not a teenager anymore. She has every right to choose her dates carefully and wisely. And her friend needs to knock it off with the advice. I bet the friend does exactly the same thing when confronted with a man she's not interested in seeing.
Look, if there's no zing, there's no zing. That's all there is to it. Chemistry or interest or whatever you want to call it is not made, it is found. We're not talking about true love, across a crowded room stuff either. We're just talking about that little tug on your mid-section, the quicker heartbeat, that interested feeling. That's zing. It cannot be manufactured. And it's really, really obvious when it's not there.
So, there's nothing wrong with saying "Oh well, not you" after the first date.
As for the expectations of the date itself, my advice is not to look for zing at first, just nice times. If attraction arrives, it will arrive quickly in most cases. If not, you've had a nice time with a nice man. No harm, no foul. Honestly, though, it sounds like you're doing that already, LW.
As for not going out again, just be honest. Say, "You know, I had a nice time, but you seem more like a friend than someone I want to date romantically. Thank you for that wonderful date."
That should do it.
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15 seconds
I've read some expert somewhere who says that most people can tell whether they will ever want to have a relationship with someone within the first 15 seconds.
For me personally it's always been about 3. On the occasions when I've tried to ignore it or force it, it has never worked out. My instinctive take on whether or not a person will be compatible with me is simply better than my conscious, reasoned take.
I don't know if Cary was trying to be facetious, but he has a point.
You're doing everything right (assuming you're paying for your half of everything.) There's no reason not to be polite and have a good time. First dates are for finding out if you want a second date. Now you just need to work on your dumpage. Courteous dumpage always involves some variant of "It's not you, it's me."
Try this: "I had a great time too, and you're a wonderful guy. You're just not the wonderful guy I happened to be looking for. I'm looking for The One, and I'll know him when I see him. Good luck to you, and if you ever want to get together to (whatever activity you enjoyed in a friendly fashion) I'd enjoy that."
Be aware that some people have very different expectations of online dating. I have a buddy who emails some girl on the dating service whenever he wants to get laid. And he does get laid, within 3 hours, every time. It's amazing. If your date has had several of these sorts of experiences, he may be resenting you pretty heavily for not being in the game. Let him.
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Cary's point is well-taken
"Sorry I was almost late," he says. "I ran into traffic. There was an injured child in the middle of the street. I had to operate."
Others have busy lives too, and some of them might take time out to spend time with you. At least the imaginary gentleman apologized for being five seconds late. But Pickypants is too entitled to notice.
If the LW is so busy, self-absorbed and impatient, how does she find the time to even think of the feelings of men she isn't interested in seeing again? Does she seriously believe that the loss of her company really is that devastating? This is what lies behind her question about how to politely decline, as this is straightforward enough. It takes a certain self-confidence, bordering on arrogance, to believe that a declined invitation will never come as a welcome relief.
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Very few people are great on first dates...
...so if you feel completely neutral about a guy, give him a second chance. Maybe he was nervous, or had a headache, or wasn't sure whether he was interested in you. One thing I've realized over the years is that investing a little time to get to know someone isn't a waste of time. If nothing else, it teaches you what you don't want. And sometimes attraction grows as you get to know someone better.
On the other hand, of course, if you're repulsed or get the immediate "ew, ick, get away" vibe, one meeting is enough! It's not always easy to tell when someone's right for you, but it's pretty easy to tell when someone's totally wrong.