Letters to the Editor
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Hang in there, sister
Cary's advice is useless (not to mention oblivious and almost mean-spirited). And most of these comments are way offbase in trying to psychoanalyze why the LW is "too picky."
What I get from LW's question is that she's a VERY busy woman, and is trying to make time for something new -- online dating. She hasn't worked out the kinks in terms of how to have fun with it, be respectful to other people, and still manage her time.
I'm really busy too, and I'm also on an online dating site. All you ninnies who are giving LW a hard time for her genuine question about how much time to give these connections have no idea what you're talking about. In online dating, you don't carve out quality time for everyone you exchange an email with (or see one time) just because you either don't want to hurt their feelings, or don't trust your own intuition enough to know when you know.
So, LW, here's what you do: keep first dates very short; don't go to dinner, just get a coffee or a drink or something. See how you feel around the person, and try not to be hypercritical of yourself or him. Then, decide if you want to see him again. Trust your gut, and don't make rules. Sometimes, you won't feel a "spark," but will decide to go out with him again anyway. Sometimes you won't. This isn't a job -- it's all about your feelings and intuitions. Trust them. There's no right or wrong.
It's very cute of Cary to act like you're making snap judgments for not going out with someone a second time. But the truth is, most women are trained to belittle their own intuitions and to try too hard to please other people (or make things "work"). Resist the urge to protect others from rejection; be respectful, but don't apologize for your feelings or reactions, however arbitrary or "judgmental" or precipitous they might seem. Accept the facts: everyone, including you, will be rejected in online dating. Develop a thick skin, and expect that others have one as well.
The first commenter in this thread is a classic example: he's bitter when a woman won't go out with him again -- there must be something wrong with HER. No! There's nothing wrong with ANYBODY, and it's not like 10 laughs during a date mean you have to go out again. This is about how you feel -- and you don't have to justify that to anybody!!!
LW, you have a lot going on -- work, kids. Be protective of your time, you deserve it, and make the online dating work for you. Keep dates short until you decide if someone's worth your time. And don't apologize to ANYONE -- or overanalyze it -- when you decide that someone's not. Just follow your gut.
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Okay, but for real, what's the best way to reject a guy?
Um, nice story, Cary. But you conveniently sidestepped her very practical question - what's the kindest way to say you're not interested? So I guess the answer is that there is no good way? Any guys out there want to give some advice?
Because the thing is, even if she gave all these guys another chance or three, most of them are not going to work out. I've been in her situation: I meet a guy from a dating site, he's nice enough but I don't feel particularly intrigued or interested. But I try to be nice and ebullient for the duration of the date. Should I not be? Should I act bored and disinterested? That seems rather rude. But if I'm nice and he does ask me out again, what's the best way to decline?
Seriously, men of Salon. Give a girl some pointers.
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The Problem May be Shyness, not Pickiness
Sometimes, one of the problems with being shy is simply hoping a relationship will just "happen"--that it will blossom magically and painlessly without any need for that awkward, getting-to-know you phase that most relationships have to go through. I've noticed that extroverted people have less trouble going out on a second or third date because they figure that even if it doesn't work out at least they've had the chance to get to know another person a little bit better. For shy people the process of getting to know someone can be so difficult they're apt to think, why should I go through all that for someone I know I'm not madly in love with from the beginning? What you seem to be looking for may not really be love at first sight, but some kind of connection that will make your shyness evaporate. That's not going to happen. You have to deal with being shy. And maybe one of the best ways to do so is to go out on a second or third date with a guy even if he doesn't make your heart flutter. You may discover that as your own social skills improve, the "spark" you're looking for is a lot easier to find.
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Give them a chance!
Dear Miss Pickypants --
After so many failed romances which came after so many passionate, chemistry-fused promising starts, I decided that I needed to change my approach to meeting men. I was set up on a date with this guy who was really not my type -- reserved, handsome (I went for skinny intellectual types), polite. He walked me to my car; I was freaked out. But I think you know where this is going. I decided that he might've been nervous, or something else was up. So I went out with him again, this time to brunch. Again, no sparks, no nothing.
I ended up casually dating him until the time I was at his house and I saw the local weekly newspaper open to the Personals section. I decided then that I may as well give him a sincere chance. We've now been together for six and a half years. We got married last week. And I couldn't be happier. I'm not sure if he changed, or I changed, or we changed together. It doesn't really matter. But I strongly suggest that any guy who has a few things to recommend him get a second date, and maybe even a third or fourth.