Letters to the Editor
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Goodgrass says....
----Finally, friends -- no matter how close they are to you -- are different from a significant other since you don't sleep with them. I would think the criteria for someone you potentially will sleep with and someone that you are just friends with are quite different. Or am I wrong, as I'm 43 and been out of the dating scene for close to 20 years?-----
I believe you are wrong. The criteria for friends and lovers are the same! Have you ever seen people who choose partners with traits they would NEVER put up with in a friendship, ie, meanness, small-mindedness, incessant talking or not enough talking...and make excuses for the lover because the sex is good? If you choose a lover who also has the requirements of a friend (fun, loyal, similar interests, great conversationalist), you have a potential marriage partner.
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Exactly
Friends make the best lovers. In my experience, anyway. And it's not as hard as all that to turn a guy friend into a lover - the reverse may be more difficult, but I wouldn't know.
That "because you wouldn't sleep with them" bit - all of my single male friends, when I was a single gal, were "maybes". And maybes become yeses if you like them well enough...three times in my life, all wonderful. One I married.
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Mean and unfair
I think Cary is burning out. Wisdom is hard work.
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One date is enough
I was 34 when I met my husband. I'd dated A LOT in my early 30s while working, going to grad school, etc. I would never exclude a potential date or second date on superficial things (clothes, looks, job, education) but I would turn down a second date if I didn't feel a spark or at least the potential for a future spark. You don't need a blue print for exactly what you want to know it when you see it.
I met my future husband for at a Starbucks and we talked for less than an hour. By the end of that date, I knew we would get married and we did, 5 months later. Our 9th wedding anniversary is in 2 weeks.
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With this attitude, will I be alone for a long time? Probably, but it beats the heck out of the alternative.
This is the REAL problem with dating. Lots of women feel this way, men don't.
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Avoid the first date and you don't have to turn down a second invitation.....
Gee
I must be a cynical woman.... I've done the online dating gig, and what struck me as significant about the letter writer's issues was the part where she mentions questioning the compatibility issue right from the beginning.
Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't meet a man who I suspected did not have a personality and attributes which matched my 'Needs List'. Of course, it is possible you are too fussy as Cary obliquely suggests. I have to say it is near impossible to meet a man on a first date who you are capable of liking, lusting and loving virtually instantaneously. I admit I am guilty of asking myself 'Do I want to see this man naked?' This rapid-fire appraisal occuring almost as soon as my eyes locate the physical manifestation of the dating profile.
My advice is to be more selective about who you date in the first place, as it is better to avoid awkward situations than to put yourself in one and ask for advice about how to deal with the consquences. I would also question myself regarding what I am looking for and if my hopes and desires are reasonable and possible.
Oh, and in terms of first dates, my practical advice is to keep these face-to-face introductions short and sweet. Why don't you arrange to meet at a cafe for an hour? You can even be upfront beforehand, and explain why you feel this is a good idea. Accordingly, a brief meeting means you are both not stuck for an extended, uncomfortable lengthy period of time which is difficult to end if one or both parties are not happy.
And do you talk on the phone before meeting? I find this is essential to get a sense of the other person as a living human being.... One must also remember that although the online dating world makes it easier to explore possibility from a position of relative anonymity, we should not forget that other people have feelings and are not mere applicants for the position of friend/lover/spouse. It is too easy to press the 'block' button or to cease communication rudely and abruptly with little regard for the hurt we may cause. Part of mature relating via a computer is to realise and accept there are real people behind each monitor, and thus we should adopt an old-fashioned approach of treating others as we would like and expect to be treated.
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Depends how you define "superficial"
Anon @ 4:52
I generally agree, except for the education part. Even there, it depends. Education is a core value for me, and for essentially all of my friends. That doesn't mean that a potential date has to have gone to an Ivy League school - in fact, I'd probably respect someone far more who had to work hard to get herself educated, went to a community college, made something of herself, etc. (That's essentially what I did, btw, although I ended up going to a name school for grad school.)
But bottom line is, if you have never read a book for the pure enjoyment of, or if you think college is a waste of time, then chances are we are not going to have much to talk about between bouts of mad passion
Of course, if you're hot, then I can overlook all of this, at least temporarily! (hehehe)
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In a parallel universe
The letter would have been like this:
Hi. I am a 45 years old divorced male who pays alimony and child support and works as a waiter so I have to live with my parents. I have been dating females but you know if I don't feel the chemistry, I don't waste my time with these girls. I don't think I am shallow or picky but I reject nine of ten women because they are fat or old. Of course, women get very disappointed when I reject them because I am such a good catch
The comments would have been like this:
All men are pigs and commitment-phobes, like you
or
You are such a a-hole! You are shallow and you deserve to die alone
or
This only proves the superiority of women. Men only want to have fun. They only think with their dick. Women, who are more mature, care about the relationship and stability
But this would have been in a parallel universe. In our universe everything is understanding and rationalization and "I am that shallow, too! You go, girl!".