Letters to the Editor
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Love at first site
When you are young, love at first site or on the first date seems reasonable if not expected. After all no one is carrying any baggage.
But by the time you are in your 30s you have outgrown that state: you have come to realize that people are human and everyone carries the baggage of their past. That is what makes each one special.
So go out on the second date. Who knows the first date frog may actually be your prince in shining armour. All you had to do was take the time to recognize him for what he really is.
SJ
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Get dressed! Time to put on those picky pants!
I love these hilarious responses from Cary. Bravo!
I agree that Pickypants is making dating decisions too quickly. Not by eliminating them after one date too soon, but by being too quick to go out with men she's already subconsciously written off. It sounds like she's saying she's not impressed by the guys over email, and doesn't even think she'll like them, but she wastes her time going out with them anyone, just to find out her original instincts were correct. But why? Put that time online to better use!
If a person's personality can't shine through favorably in the initial online "pickup," is there much chance for improvement? Online dating is just about the safest, low-pressure thing for shy daters. He's probably writing to you in his underwear, relaxed as he can be. So then why is there any excuse for first impressions over email to be so ho-hum, BO-RING? It's not like you're sitting face-to-face, agonizing over whether or not the other person is noticing your bad hair day. Yes, Pickypants, be picky, right from the get-go! Demand wit, humor, sensitivity, and intelligence from those ostensibly attention-grabbing, women-seducing emails! Take your time with this process. And only then, if you think you have something in common, THEN, consider calling them and setting up a date. You're a busy lady - make those online suitors work for your precious time!
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Stay picky! You won't be sorry!
There's no reason to go out on a second date if you're not interested, and no reason you should listen to someone else tell you how to determine weather or not you're interested. You're busy, and you probably have better things to do than spend time with someone who you can tell isn't right for you.
There's nothing wrong with having that kind of intuition about people and following it. It's not about wanting to be swept off your feet, or having too high expectations. It's not even about "judging" people, as some people who think it's all about them have suggested. It's about you and how you chose to spend your time, and you don't have to apologize for it.
I met my husband of 5 years on Salon personals, after 2 years of internet dating. There was nothing magical or earth-shattering about our first date, it was just nice. He seemed unique and confident and I knew even if we didn't find chemistry I still wanted to know him. I didn't feel like I had to fake-enjoy myself, there were no uncomfortable moments, and I wasn't the slightest bit eager for it to end. I just knew I wanted to hear more of what he had to say, and I could tell he wanted more too. By the third date, I knew I would never regret rejecting any of the string of guys I'd dated before him. Trust yourself, and try to be as kind as you can when you follow through on your instincts.
Your big concern seems to be hurting someone else's feelings by turning down a second date. I think you can ease your own discomfort, and his, by being honest and very upfront. Before your first meeting, tell him by phone or in email that you haven't been very lucky with dating, and you rarely go on a second date, but if he's brave and thinks it's worth the risk of a bruised ego, you're willing to give it a shot.
You can even make it about you, say you're picky, very busy, and you've got kids to think about. Tell him that you usually know within the first half hour if you're going to want to see someone again. Maybe he'll see it as a challenge, or maybe he'll no longer be interested in meeting, but as least he'll have more information (and you might be spared a few dates worth of wasted time). This way if he wants to see you again, and you're not interested, he can comfort himself knowing that it isn't him, it's you.
You might want to put away the polite laughter as soon as you know there won't be second date. You're free to excuse yourself halfway through the first date if you're really uncomfortable, but at least know that you're under no obligation to put on a show or entertain someone with whom you have no intention of pursuing a second date. It sends a mixed message, and makes extracting yourself more difficult later. If he can tell you're not having a good time, he won't be surprised when you refuse a second date, or may save himself the trouble of asking.
Good luck out there. You'll know what you're looking for when you find it.
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Yes! Yes yes yes!
Indeed as women, more so as single moms, we try so hard to please potential mates wondering if we are up to their standards when indeed they often likely not up to ours, but we are so busy and tied up with this desire to please and be pleasing that we waste energy when it is best put to other, better uses--like spending time with real friends, or our kids, or, hell, grocery shopping.
Good luck finding Dr. Philanthopic or Mr. Iron Man or whatever it is you crave. Don't settle for less and I agree, don't bother behaving in any other way than what is true.
--Fellow single mom, searching
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the quick and the slow of it
I think Cary is right -- and he may turn out to be wrong as well. He's right, because one date isn't enough to know for sure that a nice dating relationship (or more) can develop with someone. He's wrong because it's possible (maybe not highly probable) that there is total chemistry between two people on the first date.
I've had both experiences from stranger dating or online dating. My hairdresser set me up with my ex-bf b/c she thought we were very compatible. We had coffee mid-day on a Saturday after a phone chat. That coffee turned into a matinee, which turned into dinner, which turned into drinks with my friends, which turned into a sleepover, which turned into cuddling on the couch watching a movie early the next afternoon -- hence a 24-hour date! And it's not like the moment I saw him, I knew -- I felt the interest pique all throughout the day/evening -- a dozen things he did or said or mannerisms. There was a spark and we lit it on fire in 24 hours. I don't know what would have happened had we parted after the coffee -- I was certainly already sure I wanted to see him again. (We broke up after 6 mos.)
Second experience: I met a guy online long distance. We hit it off and emailed a lot, IM'd, etc. I went to visit a friend in his city and met up with him. THe first night was fine, but my friend was there, and we were at a bar, so everyone was telling stories and laughing a lot. Later, it was an awkward peck goodnight. I still didn't feel any great chemistry like the above date. In fact, the second day when I saw him for ice-cream, it was still awkward feeling -- like those uncomfortable dates you imagine where you can read thought bubbles over the head of each person, and mine was saying things like "I'm just not having that awesome of a time even though he's smart and cute and nice and liberal and....etc"). That night we went to dinner and I had those thought bubble experiences again -- all of this I took as a sign of lack of chemistry, especially after the above 24 hr date experience was the bar I had set for good first dates!! Long story not so short, this guy and I are now falling in love with each other more and more every time we see each other. But had you told me that would be the case when we first met -- the first two times we had social interaction in particular -- I wouldn't have believed you.
So, the LW should not rule out the chemistry appearing from the get-go that she seems to desire, but she shouldn't rule out all the guys who might take a few dates to get there with her, either. Also, if the LW married someone she met in college, for example, that's very different scene -- there's no real dating in college. There's a different kind of intimacy formed by living in close quarters with and doing literally everything with a group of other people -- which is what most college campuses are like -- and relationships form in that environment differently than they do outside of it. But, if that is your preferred model, maybe take up some hobbies that you're passionate about -- date someone who's in your cooking class or your book club, whatever. Joining these things might give you a chance to experience someone several times without any dating scenario involved, giving them a fair shake to be themselves.
Finally, it may be hocus-pocus, but I've read that if you do something exhilirating (something that gets your adrenaline going) on your first or second date, it makes you immediately closer to the person (a bonding experience of sorts -- and also, a heightened tension and attraction mode in general that you associate with the other). So, why not do something a little exhilirating on date two?
Good luck!