Letters to the Editor
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I've been out with this chick 50 times
Is that you? Surely it must be. We met online and went out for a drink/coffee/dinner. You never looked as good in person when we eventually met but perhaps, it was as you say, simply because you had a one-in-a-million great hair day. Don't give guys like me a second date because you didn't "feel a spark" after 30 minutes of conversation at Starbucks. No, you are so good at judging me(n) that you can just go back home and get another guy from your email and do it again. After all, he has to be out there, the guy that gets you wet within the first 30 seconds of meeting. The guy you can just imagine sitting on the couch in front of a fire, drinking wine, watching a video and eating popcorn. So just keep searching, keep checking your email, you'll find him, he's out there, but why in the fuck is it taking so long?
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What was up today, Carey?
Carey, this was too oblique. Instead of engaging in this rather accusing storytelling, a roundabout way of telling this woman that yes, she is too fussy, yes, she is Ms. Pickypants, why didn't you just say so? While also admitting that love is a gamble, that you can pull the arm on the slots of love again and again in hopes of the jackpot, and that the few rare jackpots are what keep you pulling?
I've been in this dame's chair at Starbucks, sitting across from the guy. Wondering if he's noticing that I weigh a few pounds more than my web-site weight, wondering if I should forgive him the few inches he lied about his height (women notice this right away). I sit there feeling like a dork, feeling awkward because it's all so important, what he says, what he thinks, what I say and think, feeling too shy to let him order a meal in case there's some awful dealbreaker that he's going to drop later and then things would get awkward, cringing in anticipation of my own potential dealbreakers.
I have also been hit by a coup de foudre in ten seconds. It's happened to me five or six times. It's always been mutual. One time I got married; other times I got into big trouble. And honestly, sometimes, I wish I hadn't ever experienced the coup de foudre, I wish I didn't know what it was like to be hit by that thunderbolt of desire and possibility. It would make me a lot more sweet and open-minded as I sat in the chair, at Starbucks, across from a good kindly punctual slightly-shorter-than-advertised man who I didn't feel like kissing at that immediate moment.
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I hate it when Cary goes off on a tangent
Cary's answer was more about him than "Pickypants" (LW), and judging from that and the first letter, it looks like we'll get more snark from bitter, angry men who feel rejected by women.
That being said, I do think Pickypants is being too picky. First dates are fraught with anxiety: Do I look OK? Does my breath smell? Omigod, I hope I don't have anything stuck between my teeth! Does my date really want to hear all about my job, or is (s)he just being polite?, etc.
So, unless she finds the guy to be completely revolting, I think Pickypants should be open to a second date. The guy will feel more relaxed and confident, which may increase his appeal.
Also, Pickypants needs to take a good look at her wants and motives. Perhaps these quick rejections are her psyche's way of saying she's really not as ready to reenter the dating scene as she thought she was. Maybe she still has a few issues from her divorce that she needs to work through. Maybe she's suffering from dysthymia, a form of chronic, low-grade depression that could certainly make her feel "meh" about her dates.
Lastly, maybe Pickypants just needs to relax and not put so much importance into The First Date. I think Cary may have been trying to say this, but went off on one of his flights of fancy. Instead of, "I want to see if this guy is The One," she should go into the date with a more modest aim of, "I want to have an evening of nice conversation." Reduced expetations will take the pressure off both parties, and perhaps leave the LW open to more possibilities.
At any rate, good luck!
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Spark, schmark...
I married rather late, at 33. During my single days, I think I dated at least 25 different guys, and took a 6 yr hiatus with one of them. My dating policy was this: go out with mst of the men who asked me, unless they were married, or involved, or seemed scary in some way. I also figured that I would give a guy at least 3 dates before I decided whether or not "we" had a future. Some guys just don't make good first dates. They might be nervous, or have had a bad day, or are not the most socially adept or "slick" people ever. By the third date, each of us had a pretty good idea of whether or not we were compatible, and the "relationship" just kind of faded away, no harm, no foul. As for the "spark"--I gradually learned that the "spark" means nothing as far as a long-term relationship goes. The man I eventually married 8 years ago (and now have 3 kids with) is not the man who most inflamed my passions, or for whom I had the strongest "connection," or had the most romantic feelings for. He is the man who has always been just who he appears to be. We share the same goals, the same basic values, and our approaches to life are complementary. He is not my "soul mate," but he is a wonderful partner. Our first date was fine, our second date was fun, the third date was fantastic. Be patient with yourself, and with the men you go out with. Don't load a first date with such high expectations. If you relax, I think you'll find your dates get much much better. Good luck out there!