Letters to the Editor
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Your only hope is therapy
I think Gary a little "over identified" with the husband here and forgot to give the wife some real advice about what to do. Its a lot easier to blame a place or other person than look inward. I agree with others who say that moving is not the answer. The husband is not going to be happier without intervention. The husband is depressed b/c as he gets older, he sees his wife and others improving their lot (I don't mean just $) while he stays the same. Depressed people don't improve without drugs or therapy or both. I really hope LW will get them into couples therapy or get him to go on his own. He won't be happy until he takes responsibility for and control over his own happiness. I've earned 2 to 3 times more than my husband for most of his marriage but its not been an issue for us b/c he's always been very happy with his career choice while I am lukewarm about mine. He is successful in his career b/c he loves what he does, not because of what he earns. Good luck.
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Sadly, this is so familiar!
Get out of this relationship, for nothing good will come of it. I speak from experience. I read your letter shaking my head in recognition.
The hard part is that your husband is probably a very nice person, and thank goodness for that, at least he has that going for him. My ex was (is) too. But that didn't mean he wasn't miserable and unhappy and dissatisfied with life in general (and still is, despite a different home in a different town, and a different wife who is now going through what I went through.)
Your husband has the "poor me" syndrome. The reality is, he's never going to be happy, and worse, as he gets older, he'll be even more unhappy. You'll be more unhappy too, since your fate is linked to his.
Don't let him become any more of a project for you. Don't feel guilty--you're not doing anything wrong. Just get out, as quickly as you can and as nicely as you can. He'll get over it, and even if he doesn't, you will.
Don't be that wife who worries all the time about why her husband can't be satisfied with what is essentially a perfectly good life. You love your job and your home, your child is happy, you're happy (except for this problem), so hold on to that happiness and don't let a whining sad sack take it from you!
He sounds depressed. He will make you depressed after a while. You cannot fix him. He won't want your "fixing"--believe me. Moving back isn't the answer--he will just find more reasons to be unhappy.
Get out. Now. Or at least as soon as you can.
You won't believe how much better you'll feel when you are out from under this.
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Try to engage your husband in imaginative conversation about all the things he thinks he'd maybe like to do. It's very likely that none of them will be things he would ever, under any circumstances, get enough ambition to actually do. But he probably likes to *dream* about them. He just doesn't want to actually do anything. If you engage him about them in fantasy (without acknowledging that you know they'll always only be fantasies) then you become a playmate in his mind rather than the official cockblocker.
Under no circumstances should you quit your job or move unless you can independently identify comparable satisfactory opportunities elsewhere. And yes, I'd say the same thing to a guy whose chronically slack complainer wife was bitching to move. Move where? Do what? Go ahead and look into that, honey, look into that all day! Oh, that sounds awesome, you'd be great at that! I can really see that for you! S/he will never *ever* take a single step toward achievement, but s/he will be entertained.
Of course, if you're like me and find the idea of having to distract and cajole your spouse like a cranky 12-yo sulking over in the corner with his PSP because he didn't want to have to go over to Gramma's for dinner, then this might be a problem for you.
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It won't change and you won't like it better with time
I agree with those who say don't
expect him to change. Proceed
as if he does not want to change and
won't. By all means if you like
where you are living, stay there,
unless you can identify a new place
that you are sure will make both
of you happy.
My 'nice'
husband has no ambition. Zero. Even after changing careers and getting a professional degree he was never
able to get himself hired because he did not
even have enough ambition to learn how to
do a decent job interview. Eventually
he gave up. He was able to do professional
piecework at home but has never earned
much of anything (at this writing
he earns about 1/5th of what I do) and never contributed
much of anything financially. He did not
complain the way your husband did - he's
too passive aggressive for that. He just
kept being "nicely" unproductive. If
he had made up for this by being exceptionally helpful around the
house , or exceptionally loving toward
me, perhaps I would not have become so
bitter - but that was not his way either.
For example, shereas I have friends with husbands
who work full time outside the home
earning good money, and who also
personally renovate the kitchen,
I have a husband who is home all day,
spending more time than he admits surfing
the web, and yet if we have home renovations to be done, I have to hire
people to do them. He is affectionate
in a brotherly sort of way, but not
like a husband. He is well read and
has many intelligent ideas on public policy but does nothing except think
about this stuff.
It's like living with a roommate who
is intelligent but without street smarts.
Moreover, because the marriage has
now lasted nearly 20 years, and we
are both in our 60s, I feel stuck. I
have no family to speak of. My parents
are dead; no siblings; some distant
cousins on the other side of the country.
One son very busy with his professional life; no grandkids.
I have worked throughout our marriage
at a job I never liked that much
and which increasingly kills my soul, but which pays the bills. And believe
me, I pay them: the mortgage, I
buy the health insurance, I pay
for the trips, etc. etc. I would
have changed careers if he had stepped
up to the plate and taken over supporting
us, if only for a few years.
I truthfully feel I wasted my last
few years as a reasonably attractive
woman with this buy. Now at 60
I am SO ready to retire (though it will not be
a plush retirement I can assure you.)
A therapist once asked "why don't
you leave him?" and you know what popped
out of my mouth before I even had
time to think?
"I don't want to split our assets
or pay him spousal support."
Because, LW - if you live in a community
property state, you have to consider that. he longer you support this man the more
likely it is that if you left him
you would continue to have to support him.
And if you are in a community property state (eg California), anything you bought or accumulated during the marriage with your paycheck is community property
and you will have to give him half of it.
You may know all this but, just saying.
The shorter the marriage, the less
time you'll be on the hook for support, probably. But you'll have to split the community property. (for most married
couples, this means ALL your property--
excluding anything you owned before
marriage and anything you inherited.)
And the longer you stay married
the more community assets you'll accumulate that will have to be split.
So the house you are paying for -
it's 1/2 his. Any pension benefits?
1/2 his.
I'm not saying leave him
and I'm not saying move- that's up to you. But I am living in a place
I detest because it was the place where
I could get the best job (and with a goverment pension to boot). Neither
of us has liked it but of course he
moved with me because I support us.
(That's why in my book YOU get to
choose to stay where you are -
you're lucky - at least one of
you is happy there.)
At any rate, I want to move
in retirement. Although Husband does not like this
place either, I'm trying to imagine
him getting up the energy to move again...
it's complicated by the fact that
his parents followed us here and
he's an only child. He says he
is willing to relocate but they
increasingly "hint" that they
will need more assistance as they
get older. They will, too - another
whole problem in itself.
Sorry to go on....
I guess I am identifying with your
'stuckness."
Good luck.