Letters to the Editor
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What would he be doing if he didn't have you?
What would your husband be doing if you two had never met and married? Where would he be living, and what job would he have?
If he could move right now and live wherever he wanted, where would that be? Why not have him try a job search in that area? After all, if it weren't for you, he would have to put some food on his own table some kind of way.
So, LW's husband, be a realist! Can you scare up some interviews in your preferred location? And if the market isn't so good at the moment, can you get something together now, like good contacts and marketable skills, so that you will be ready when it changes?
I don't know if the husband has deeper issues. We don't know the man. (I did like Carlos T's answer, too . . . and what he said may be the key to the deeper issues, if they are there.) It seems to me that the LW is not absolutely in love with the setting where they live now, but is being brave, practical, and making do. She is adamant about not wanting to repeat previous mistakes, which led to financial hardships. Any decent spouse should understand her concern, and respect her desires. (And give her all the emotional support she needs and deserves, rather than be such a drain.) But look, if the husband can find a good job in a area where he prefers to live, why not move? If he cannot, there is no way he could live there anyway, even if he were single. He's got to make a living.
All of this overwrought stuff seems wrong when the reality is very bare-bones basic. If he can get a good job that pays the family bills somewhere else, then he can move the family there. If not, he can't. No one who isn't independently wealthy gets to do that.
The first step is what it is, and it's the husband who has to take it. Does he think it should all be different for him? Yes? Ah, now you DO have a deeper problem.
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Do Quit Your Dream Job
Dear LW,
You already sacrificed your economic security as the result of an "unhappy man"--don't do it again.
You mention that your current husband has never really been satisfied with his jobs--he won't be if you move back either. He's an underachiever...and its important to note that being happy with one's job is a rarity in this nation (look at the stats). You are one of the lucky ones!
Perhaps, following a divorce and bankruptcy, you and your current husband had bitterness, chaos, and discontent in common, but now that you are fulfilled, content, and doing well, you've waken up from that state--you are happy and flourising--and he's still stuck (maybe that's the state he is most familiar with in his life).
There are other ways to be happy in life--it doesn't have to come about from one's work. Your husband needs to want to be happy first--just like recovery. If he's obsessing over moving back to your birth-county, he's not really focusing on being happy. He's focusing on the move which will magically make him happy. It won't. If you were to move back, you'd both be miserable (you'd resent the abdication of your dream job) and you'd be stuck in a job less satisfying, and he'd still be in a blue-collar desk job of little respect or economic renumeration. You're daughter would be uprooted again, and when she's transitioning, losing a sense of where home is can be distressing.
Your husband's happiness needs to be a goal he seeks--not something you give him. You can encourage him on that path, but ultimately, its on him and if he's a professional slacker, that's never going to be the center of his sense of self anyway.
Peace
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Don't Quit Your Dream Job
Sorry, I meant Don't Quit your dream job! Eeek!!!
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Notes to Husband and LW
To the husband: You determine your relationship to work and community, so train yourself to move beyond fixating on the imperfections of the external world. As other respondents have noted, this may require therapy, and perhaps you are depressed, but also know that the world is not you, you are of the world. The notion that the world should serve us is woefully deluded, and borne of ignorance. Take action, create movement in your life. An immediate way to move past yourself, even if you are depressed, is to volunteer. There are animals that require rehabilitating, habitats that need restoration, humane societies requiring volunteer staff, kids who need mentoring, elderly who need meals delivered, communities that need improving. There is plenty to do no matter where one lives; it’s just a question of finding the talents within yourself that can be of service. Read about people who have really struggled – try _The Aquariums of Pyongyang_ for starters, and then see if your locale is so miserable. Life is short, and it is up to the individual to figure out how to draw on his or her strengths. It is easy to fixate on the shortcomings of one’s surroundings, for one can find flaws in all environments. You cannot find a perfect community, because it does not exist. The conflict is primarily within, and dissatisfaction is part of most of our lives. Conflict and unhappiness are not the end of the world, but instead they can be an impetus for positive change.
To the LW: Do not truncate yourself or career for the sake of your husband. Continue developing yourself – interests, career, relationships, etc. – and encourage him to do the same. Perhaps it will be helpful to suggest that he try his hardest to make it work, (almost) no matter what that entails, and then together you re-evaluate the situation in one year. Encourage open-mindedness and compassion towards both the community and yourselves. Acknowledge that change, especially moves, can be challenging, but it is up to each of us to find the joy in life.
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Was your mom a slacker?
Let's stipulate that LW's husband may be a chronically unhappy person. Let's stipulate that he needs a physical, a check for depression and a couple of sessions with a good bartender or an older brother or father or uncle or a career counselor or a male therapist strong enough to do a little male bonding and dispense a little tough love about his future.
If she tries to fix his life she becomes his mother not his wife and girlfriend and life partner, which could be part of the reason he is so cranky.
And let's stipulate that LW should keep her job and life and not give in to the idea of sacrificing her happiness -- and future -- on a longshot of making someone else's life happy.
Having said all that, let's not call hubby a slacker just yet. It seems that he is on the new frontier in breaking stereotypes about men and women.
Was your mom a slacker because she didn't finish college, worked less fulfilling jobs and put your dad's career ahead of hers? Did she become cranky and needy just as the kids were leaving home and her husband had a fulfilling career and she had to face the possibility that it was too late for her to build the same kind of success? Did she have to squirrel away money to avoid having to ask dad for what she wanted, like a child asking for a bump in the allowance? Did she worry that Dad would find some exciting new wife and leave her in the dust?
It seems that this is an opportunity to sit down together and set a five-year and a 10-year and a 20-year plan. This avoids the immediate move or don't move fight by focusing on shared long-term goals and ambitions.
Where do you both want to be when you hit 50, when you hit 60, when you retire, when you die? Is there room to take turns in choosing a location, or perhaps is there a new location you both could love? What are you both willing to do? Will he finish school or start a new career by a date certain? Can you take trips to better hiking spots, or can he find a hiking group and do some guy time? Can you join a group together? Do you want to?
You probably need to talk to a financial planner to help structure your money so you each have some pot of money in your own control and some to spend jointly. After all, I'll bet dad's money wasn't his money but the family money. Are you as willing to share your money without him asking?
Protect your future, of course, but be open to creating a new future together. It won't take long to figure out whether you are moving in the same direction in life and the location is a real problem or whether the talk of a move is just his subconscious creating a way for him to justify moving back alone.