I'm going to break with tradition and address my response to the Letter Writer's husband.

Guess what, husband? You can lay off insulting Bubba, because life is a put-up-or-shut-up affair. You haven't put up, which means you aren't really a thwarted intellectual trapped in the boonies, as much as you might like to pretend to be one; you're just an undereducated loser. Knowing that must hurt. No wonder you're so mean and unpleasant to be around.

If you move back to California, you'll be an undereducated loser trying to survive the higher living expenses and stiff job competition of living in California. You'll still be a loser, but you won't have Bubba to compare yourself to. Surrounded by people who have read all the books you've read and voted the same way you voted, you'll look even more pathetic.

Stop blaming your wife and your neighborhood and do something about yourself. Do not drag her into a pit of poverty; she's too old to have to live like that, and she has children to think of.

(Letter Writer: you may have guessed that I don't think you should move back. May I suggest that the internet is a wonderful way for people who live in rural places to make money? In addition, you might want to have your husband see a doctor and find out if he needs anti-depressants. Good luck with the lump.)

LW- before you even think about this another minute, you have to ask yourself (and him) if moving will truly make him happy. It sounds like there are a lot of things making him unhappy - bad job, lack of employable skills, and who knows what else - and he's blaming it all on where you live. Maybe that's a convenient excuse. While I agree it's great to be able to choose your ideal locale, having a good job is also a key factor in contentment.

If he hasn't finished that degree and jobs at his level are hard to come by, might that not be true in the old place as well where it seemed like his employment wasn't ideal either? The economy probably hasn't gotten better since you left. What will you do if you quit your job, move back there, both get unsatisfying low-paying jobs and it turns out neither of you are very happy?

Moving back won't change a thing for him. He needs to take his life in his own hands, hard though that may be. I agree with Cary's recommendation of a therapist, though I don't see your husband going to one. He's committed to his same old shell, and that gets less and less comfortable as time goes by. If you think it's bad now, wait till he's in his 50s. People can change, and he needs to. If he does, then you can talk about moving. If he doesn't ... you can't go home again.

Before you get your panties all in a wad.

Oh, Cary, your answer is so cruel. This woman writes you with the difficult question of what to do about a husband whose stagnation and passivity are weighing her down, and you don't even address her dilemma. You don't really even address her. You empathize with the husband, which implies that this is the helpful nugget that may be of service to her. "Hey," you thought, "Maybe if she can see his point of view, it'll help her."

Nothing in her letter suggested that (a) her empathy is lacking, or (b) her situation could be helped by increasing her focus on understanding the husband's point of view.

There are a lot of creative and helpful things to be said to the spouse of someone suffering from protracted depression / dysphoria / angst. She clearly loves and empathizes with him, or she would not be so committed to the marriage. She's asking what to do. The arrogance of brushing aside her question to focus on what the husband is experiencing is pointlessly cruel.

The main breadwinner of the house should seriously consider the ramifications of quitting a well-paying job for something that will almost definitely leave the family in worse financial condition. Talk to your husband, go see a therapist, and try to adapt to your current location because leaving will probably not solve anything, and will likely make your overall situation worse.

Happy now?

Moving is not going to make him happy. If he left you there and went back home, his life would be crap for a whole host of its own reasons, his friends would be different, the market would be different, he'd be without you and the life you two built. This is more about him seeing an impossible situation to every possible scenario his life could be.

And you've already guessed the problem. This is a trademark quality of non-ambitious people. They need to justify their lack of ambition by showing that any acceptable options they could do are impossible somehow. Either they don't want to do the work involved in something they're interested in, or they don't like whatever it is thats easy for them to do. His misery is completely his own fault and he probably accepts it on some level, but if he starts deflecting any blame towards you in any way and saying your job put him in this position, you need to reroute his thinking back pronto. It sounds like thats what he's starting to do, what with coming home and refusing to speak to you, as if its your fault.

If you want to make it work out and for him to be happy: Tell him he doesn't have to work, eventually. He only has to work until the housing market gets better and its no longer a huge financial loss to sell. Then buy a smaller house that you can afford completely on your own salary. Once he doesn't HAVE to work, he might even start working again just because he wants to and the unhappiness problem is resolved, because the motivation dynamics are all different. Maybe even just hearing that he's working towards a time when he won't be working soon will be enough of a change to make him happier about his current lot in life.

No one is obligated to provide this support for lazy wads. I'm just saying that if you want to, this is the way to make someone like that happy. People with motivation problems can still be great spouses who contribute love and support and all that as equals.