Cary's right, answers will come, but taking an active part in seeking those answers will certainly help. I'd start looking for a job back in California, if that's where you want to go as a first step. Maybe consult a therapist to get some help determining what you want from your life at this point. 30 is not too late for a family, children, etc, but you need to figure out if you want that, and how to go about it.

No, it's not. Loved ones are the ones who drive you crazy and question your choices, you big silly. You're a big girl now and you can do whatever you want - you don't need family approval and you are not "somehow cursed by some other force." It might be helpful to go in for therapy. A good therapist will help you get clear on what you really want and to feel empowered to go out and get it -- or to feel ok with just drifting along for a while.

It doesn't matter where 'here' is for now. The shock of losing a person close to one is both numbing and painful. Time doesn't heal the loss. Over time one creates a way to live with the loss- as a companion.

The loss of one's nearest and dearest is an altogether different kettle of fish. It's difficult to put into words. All of one's emotions come into play.( Guilt was a big one for me.) All of the emotions for good or bad ,evil or angelic.Sometimes in the same minute.

Over all of my losses(parents,sibs&grands) the only important

thing I've come to know is that looking for home,meaning, etc. outside of one'self is the way of great disappointment. I say this only because once one passes forty all bets are off. The reality of life should be apparent by that age(unless one has been raised incommunicado in a cave someplace.)Others cannot make things right.For the most part at 40+ ,others are looking to make their own lives right.

Learning to look inside for comfort,meaning and yes, home, is vital. That way when one sets out on another of life's sojourns everything one needs to survive the new way of life is in place. Self reliance is under rated.

In the end after the one's that birthed and raised us are gone

we are what remains. Not as leftovers rather as the sum total of the who,what& how of a family. It is never easy. Every thing that happens in one's life, good or bad,recalls the loved one's gone before. Christmas is coming up,always a hard time to live through.

LW ,where is not as important as how.Give yourself time,when it's right you'll feel the need to move or to stay put.I agree with CT on finding a group of like-minded to share your feelings and questions with in a protective environment.

God bless,LW.

It's not easy growing up and losing your last surviving parent. It is the big entry into adulthood that everyone has to pass through, and it's tough to realize what has happened.

Grieve while you have to, but also realize that this is your life now, not someone else's, and move on to making it better.

I realized after my father died (I was only 35) that I could do any damned thing I wanted to, and without someone telling me how to do it, and giving advice on where I screwed up. It was a very liberating moment, fraught with peril and anxiety.

I worked with it, but while I was grieving, I took things a little slower than normal to adjust to a life without Daddy.

You have choices for yourself. After taking care of your mother for so long, you will probably be stunned to know that you're only responsible for yourself, nobody else.

Don't jump into the water too fast, but look at it, and then make decisions. Grief does wondrous things to your mind, and rational decisions are often not available.

That being said, follow what you want to do, and take care. There's a whole 'nother world out there, just waiting to be discovered.

Take care in your journey.

You imply that it was a great sacrifice to leave there and move back to Boston, but you never really say. Did you spend alot of (or any) time missing California, or wishing you were there? Is that the place you feel you can go and build a life?

I don't know your situation, but if you are able to travel or if your work lets you go from place to place, that's what you should do. For me, home has always been the place I miss the most, the place that just feels right. Maybe you need to spend some time figuring out where that is. Who knows, it may turn out that you hate being away from Boston now.

again... gotta suggest meetup. it's really popular in Boston these days. it saved me after my divorce. there's something for everyone on there. (and no I don't work for them :)

again... gotta suggest meetup (dot com). it's really popular in Boston these days. it saved me after my divorce. there's something for everyone on there. (and no I don't work for them :)

I think there are at least three different issues that the LW may be dealing with:

1) now that my mother is gone, where should I live?

2) now that my mother is gone, having cared for her so long and sacrificed so much to do that, what is my new role in life?

3) now that my mother is gone, what does it mean to be the last of the family? (I notice that the LW does not mention a father or any siblings.)

The first issue is basically practical and aesthetic. The second is an issue of personal identity. The third is existential. They are very different issues that have to be addressed in different ways.

The third issue is very important. I remember as an only child when both of my parents and all of my grandparents were dead. I suddenly became the "keeper of the flame." I was now the last living embodiment of whatever my family was. I was the keeper of all the family history, photos, and memorabilia. I was the only one who could tell the family stories. I was the one who now had the family recipe box, the only one who could cook dad's chile, mom's macaroni and cheese, grandma's Christmas pudding. What does it mean to be the last one? How do you "do" that? I'm still working on that one.