Letters to the Editor
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*Lots* of issues here...
but let's concentrate on the one in the headline. My dad died a little over a year ago. We did not have a good relationship. While my mom tells me "he really did love you," mostly what he *showed* was that I was an idiot and an inconvenient waste of his time. It takes a long time to come to terms with parental rejection.
Anyone whose last words were so hateful is (pardon me) a huge, yawning asshole. Fuck 'em.
Keep on keeping on. Do your job. Continue with therapy. And remember: no one defines you, but you.
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ok maybe you have tried this...
When I was working for this one consulting firm, I was teamed with a co-worker to work on this huge software development project. This girl had some self confidence issues, in the sense that she always felt she had to prove herself to everyone by bragging about what she did, and pointing out other people's fault's subtly, be it in meetings, or emails or any kind of forum where she could communicate. She was a very sweet person on a personal level, but when it came to competition she thought she was the shit.
Now she was very smart and competent, and myself and my colleagues (and not all were men) could not really match her learning agility and creativity. She was constantly monitoring other peoples work quietly (since she was always done with her work first) and she would know the details of their task, and try to offer suggestions to them to make things more efficient, and sometimes even do their work even when it was not solicited. Then she would make it a point to let everyone know (or at least she would let her superiors know) she was helping others, going above and beyond. Can you imagine how much this irritated us? My point is not everyone was as smart as she was, but we were hard workers and trying to contribute in our own way. But every time she interfered, my managers would praise her and make my colleagues and myself look like fools/slackers.
My point is, you may think you are helping the company by doing everything you can for it and that is a good thing, but maybe along the way you are unintentionally stepping on other peoples toes, just like that girl. she never thought she was offending anyone, in fact she thought we should appreciate her help.
Have you asked for your coworkers feedback on how they perceive you? I am not saying you are like that girl, but maybe in many subtle ways you may be stressing out your colleagues because they perceieve your actions as threatening (maybe its the way you talk or start a discussion on a topic, maybe you discuss some other peoples project's without their consent or feedback, maybe its the way you discuss problems, always giving this air certainity to your thoughts and subtly excluding others opinions etc etc).
Ask for feedback, and ask for honest feedback, you dont have to agree with everything they say, but maybe it may help you change your behavior, assuming you think that you need to change it
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you (both) are good enough
Cary, sometimes I'm blown away by your compassion and intuition. You just are so good at looking beyond the surface issues and helping people explore hard stuff. You are such a good communicator -- at both heart and mind levels.
Letter Writer, you sound a little like me in the past. I also have wanted a mentor/good mother/good boss. By my constitution and childhood experiences, I am an intuitive team-player and strategic ally. I want to shine the light on others and share my achievements with the group because it makes me feel as though I belong and am needed.
This works sometimes in business. Not always. Instead of using this tactic as your modus operandi, why not use it as a trick that you pull out of your hat at strategic moments?
And let me add to the chorus of people who urge you to seek management positions. You have a big-picture/process-oriented perspective that will do you well when you have some true resources to manage. And can you imagine how grateful and hard-working your staff might be if you could learn how to give the kind of productive, cooperative, empowering (but SAFE) management you have craved to receive?
They will help YOU accomplish the tasks that feel too hard to do all by yourself.
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Find a mentor
Even after reading LW's long letter, it's feels like there is more to this.
It does sound like LW needs good, ongoing, impartial advice, and that won't come from competitive colleagues or the therapist.
It will come from a good mentor, however, and LW needs to put some effort into finding the best, most independent and able mentor he can.
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Supervisors
I am a supervisor in a technical department. This letter reminded me of a very nice, bright, able young man who used to work for me who ultimately didn't work out. He was a smart kid, but didn't understand the supervisor/supervised relationship. If I'd tell him to do something, he'd think about whether it was a good idea, and if he didn't think so, he wouldn't do it or would do something else. If I was doing something, he would sometimes tell me "no, we don't do it that way, we do this". He had some good ideas that I appreciated and incorporated into the way we did things. But I finally had to sit him down and explain to him that I am ultimately responsible for how the department runs, that if the bosses don't like how we're doing it will be on my head, and that when I tell him to do something, I expect him to do it. His feelings were hurt - he mentioned how hard he worked, the good ideas he'd had, how other people in the department didn't always work hard. I said that all that was true, but that he still needed to do what I said every time, not just when he agreed. He left soon after, and I wasn't sorry to lose him. He was replaced by another bright, hardworking young man who understands the relationship.