Letters to the Editor
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Inkblot tests
Sometimes I think these LW letters are just some kind of inkblot tests, that everyone will read differently.
Look at the information that is edited out.
We do not know if the LW is male or female, some readers take it one way, some another.
We do not know the original nationality of the LW, or the ethnicity of the LW.
We do not know the age of the LW, though he/she sounds youngish.
We do not know what part of the US the LW is in. Cultures vary widely between, say, Maine and Hawaii, or even between South Florida and North Florida.
We do not know what industry the LW works in. We do not know what kind of job he/she does, though it sounds like a kind of indoors job,
We don't know damn well anything, yet we offer all kinds of projections based on our personal experience. Hoepfully the LW and lots of other readers will get something from the discussion.
In my mental picture the LW is male, about 30, comes from Australia, and works in the insurance industry, but if I was told that she is Canadian, 22, and works in publishing, I would not be especially surprised.
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Therapy
One thing that is strange is that the LW says he/she has been in therapy his/her WHOLE LIFE, presumably, although this is not made explicit, because of the deathbed sentence uttered by his/her mother.
I have to suspect that someone who has spent their WHOLE LIFE in therapy has some personal or personality problems that are influencing this whole gestalt (there is a fancy word for you).
Or am I the only person in the US who has never been in therapy, never will be in therapy, and would rather die disgracefully than take psychotropic medication? Perhaps the whole population of the US is in whole of life therapy, like a whole mouth reconstruction, or a whole of life insurance policy. Maybe the fact that I am not in therapy shows that I am in denial and that I need therapy more than anyone.
I surrender. Take me to a therapist.
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Maybe you should work for a start-up?
You know, smaller companies often have a more dynamic, ambitious, fast-paced vibe than large corporations. Things inside large corporations can often move at a glacial pace. Every corporation I've consulted with has seemed to have its share of employees who are just hanging out, showing up every day and putting in their hours, but who aren't really driven.
An exciting start-up (or at least a smaller company) with good prospects might be a better bet for you. You'll find the level of motivation higher, and your going the extra mile will be appreciated.
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New grad's mistakes
I have hired several young people recently, just starting out in their careers. I have noticed that a common mistake is that they try to project confidence, and instead project over-confidence or even arrogance. They don't realize that telling people who've worked here for 10 years that you've seen a better way to do things after a month, insults them. Then I have to deal with the wounded feelings of the older person, who feels disrespected, and the hurt of the younger person, who doesn't understand why she's not being welcomed, when all I want is for everybody to get along and work as a team. Someone who causes friction in the group, even without meaning to do so, is not a help.
Hierarchy is crucial in corporate America. If nobody reports to you, don't tell anybody what to do. Ever. Especially your boss.
Devote some thought to your culture's views on work, authority, and conflict. I supervise people from 7 foreign countries and various American cultures, and their differing views on the proper way to behave are amazing. Some of them, when angry, confront the situation. Others consider confrontation the ultimate taboo; the only proper way to deal with anger is to stop talking to the person. Meanwhile, the first person considers not being spoken to the ultimate disrespect. You can imagine the difficulty involved in resolving conflicts between these two.
I have an eager beaver reporting to me who finishes her own work and then does the slacker's as well. I hurt her feelings by telling her not to do his work - she thought she was being helpful. But I have to make the slacker do his own work, and when she does it he happily relaxes on his cell phone. My boss doesn't see eager beaver - he just sees somebody I'm supposed to be making to work slacking, and I'm in trouble for letting him. If you don't have enough to do, ask your boss what you should do next. I can't imagine her saying "oh, just sit there." But don't grab something - it may be interfering with her plans for the whole department. Remember, she's responsible for more than just you.
You seem to often "have" to talk to your boss's bosses. This will almost certainly be seen as "going over her head", and it won't endear you to her. The big boss will let you - information is always valuable in business. But he won't necessarily respect you for it.
You need to resolve your interpersonal difficulties before you're promoted to management. Once there, you'll still have to deal with a boss and peers, but you'll also be responsible for the feelings and interactions of all the people who report to you. This is 10 times more difficult than just pleasing the boss. Good luck.
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My take on this is exactly the opposite
Rather than thinking that your mother's dying words have turned you into an insufferable, workaholic overachiever, I think that you are reading more into your job difficulties than is there, and that you're doing this because you believe that what your mother said is causing you to do something terribly wrong. In fact, given what you believe your mother meant, you are likely to think that whatever goes wrong in your life is in some way your fault. After all, you aren't "good enough."
First of all, has anyone ever explained to you what happens to a person while they are dying? Well, as best as we know, at any rate? There is NO REASON to put a lot of store by a person's "last words." It is true that in our culture (and probably many others) we do, but we are wrong about that. Your mother may have meant all sorts of things, or nothing at all. She may have been mouthing a phrase she remembered, as her memory was ebbing away. She may have had a picture in her mind of a scene with you that she wished she could change, and was trying to play it out. She may have had something entirely different in her thoughts, and not have been fully aware that she was speaking to you -- even if she addressed you by name. The words came out. To believe they were understood, and lucid, and meant literally, is farfetched. I'm not saying this to make you feel better. This is how it is. I'm astounded that no one has explained the dying process to you.
Second, you are assuming that the series of problems you describe are a result of some deep-seated character flaw. Why? Look, this pattern isn't a real pattern. It has a simpler explanation. You happened to have the misfortune of working under a boss who was incompetent due to serious personal problems that he couldn't resolve. That isn't his fault. Nor is it yours. It happened. Now it is YOU who has a reputation following YOU.
Welcome to the corporate world. I did go back and reread your letter to make sure you were in the same corporation. You are. This is going to dog you unless you do something to end it, here and now. And keep in mind that no matter how hard you try to end it, you may not be able to. You may be perceived as supercilious no matter what you do. And you may need to move to a different corporation in order to have the career you want.
You could consider having a heart-to-heart with your boss over lunch, and explain to her that the situation you found yourself in was extraordinary, and please not to think that you are some kind of a backstabbing opportunist who is after other people's jobs. You love YOUR job. You liked your previous boss, he was a great guy who was very talented but unlucky. If he had been able to resolve all of these extraneous things that marred his performance, he would have been great at his job. He was smart and you learned a lot from him. It was just bad luck all around, that's all.
This may not work. You may need to find another job. I don't know a soul who hasn't been ravaged by coworkers for being outstanding at their job. All kinds of people, all kinds of personalities, and most important, all kinds of relationships with their mothers, including absolutely wonderful ones. This is something that will create resentment among some, and there is nothing you can do to prevent that. The way every one of these people solved their problem was to get another job.
You do sound like you are young, so allow me to tell you something that I've only recently figured out. Eating yourself over what other people think of you, AND allowing it to divert your attention from what is best for you, is the biggest waste of time in the world. One day you will turn around and find that you've wasted years on this. Cut it out right now and I promise you, you will be happier. There is a reason that the upper management likes your attitude. It's because it's the right one, and they aren't threatened by it. And they aren't threatened by it because they are absolutely great at what they do, too, and would like some company. What do you think climbing the corporate ladder was like for them?