Letters to the Editor
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Social Skills
I didn't want to post, but I only saw this go by once - so, I'll say it again (if anyone's still reading). *DALE CARNEGIE* If you have issues with people, read it again.
He'll tell you the most powerful words to use to grease the social wheels *THANK YOU*. Has LW ever thanked her team for something? She's said "Oh, I don't want your job," but has she ever said "Thank you for showing me how to ..." or whatever is appropriate?
I was an arrogant, smart jerk a long time ago. Best prank ever - switch the keyboard to Dvorack. Make everyone feel like a moron.
BUT - it works better to concentrate on everyone else's strengths and find something to like about them. The cranky little snot who said to me "If you don't like how I talk to people, you're just going to have to f*cking deal." was not happy when I was her manager an hour later. But, I made it *MY JOB* to find a way to get along and appreciate the skills that she brought.
If anyone is still having trouble with social skills - try looking at "Asperger's Disorder" or the syndromes that go with being abused. There are many, many things available to help a person learn to be a better person, even when they are the smartest in the room.
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If These Bosses Really Were Good Managers...
They would find a way to use a well-intentioned, hard-working young person. AND, they would tutor that person in the ways of the world and social skills and public speaking, and so on.
Bosses usually want you to bow down and shine their shoes. They want you to act as if they are great managers, but they do not have a clue.
"I wouldn't be where I am today if I were not Bill Gates + Jesus + Einstein!" This is their attitude, even when they are only the Deputy Assistants to the Assistant Deputies (Part-Time/Back-Room).
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Cary's response very insightful.
"Here is the thing about working for a company: You are never really working for a company. You are always working for individuals. They had mothers, too. They had hectoring fathers and bullying brothers and tormenting sisters and mothers who told them they would never be good enough, too. Those needs may be hidden but they are very real, and when people you work for think about you and whether you are "doing your job," they do not think in abstract terms about how excellent your work products were; they think in terms of "Does this person help me feel better about how the work is going? Or does this person point out my mistakes in subtle ways and make me feel like I'm incompetent? Do I feel more secure or less secure when this person is around? Am I glad this person is there or do I often feel it would be easier to just do it myself, in my own way? Do I wish this person were gone?"
Once more Cary's life observations ring true for me.
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ps - what a cruel mother
Those words, of course, were not true.
Free yourself from them.
You are more than good enough. Celebrate yourself.
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Interesting reply, LW
Gee, LW, what, exactly, is it that you have to leann? You keep saying you have lots to learn but you call your bosses, explicitly and implicitly: Jerks, lazy, paranoid, mentally unstable, ridiculous, unreasonable and jealous.
If you really believe all of these things then why are you trying to hard to work with them? Go find a place to work where you are working for people you respect, who clearly have more knowledge and skills than you, and who can show you by example how to be great at your job while getting along with others.
And next time you go over your boss's head, it's too late once they offer you his job to say "I don't want to get ahead that way." Then why did you start that ball rolling in the first place? You had a ocmplaint and the boss's boss offered to fix it promptly - and you refused. So where does that leave him?
When you go over your boss's head, you've made an enemy of the boss - you can't expect to go back and somehow be friends or even amenable coworkers. It doesn't work that way.
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Your boss is not your mom
Lots of interesting advice here from those with corporate experience. Since I don't have anything to offer on that front, I will comment on something I do know about: a dysfunctional mother. I would suggest finding a new therapist, or revisiting the mother stuff with your current therapist. You are not done with that work yet. There may be personality issues, cultural differences, etc., involved in your unhappy work experiences, but as long as you are seeking (unconsciously, of course) good mothering in the form of approval/love/guidance from your bosses, you will repeat these weird-outs with others. You do not need to be perfect - it will not win you love in your family OR in the workplace. In fact, as others have said here, it will be better for you for many reasons to take risks, try things you may not be good at.
And I'm not sure why you keep saying you are not ready for a management position. Is it because you are afraid you wouldn't be perfect at it? Or because you know you rub people the wrong way? If it's the former, next time you're given the opportunity, jump in - try it. That's how you really learn something - by doing it. If it's the second reason, then follow some of the good advice here about learning how to get along with others. At some point, you may discover that corporate life just doesn't work for you, and you do need to be your own boss. But you'll still need to polish up your people skills in order to be successful in any arena.
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Mommie Dearest and other thoughts
Dear LW, I don't have a whole lot to say about the work situation, because I don't know how it is over where you are. But I do agree -- vehemently! -- with other posters who point out that yes indeed, you can be "punished" in various ways or even fired for being competent. The way to know the difference is how much spontaneous sympathy you get from others in the office when these bad things happen to you, and how much spontaneous good feedback you get from people in the company that are not involved in your immediate situation. If uninvolved people see you as a suck-up or worse, if no one outside your little group or department has anything spontaneously good to say about how you are performing when you interact with them, then yeah, there may something you're inadvertently doing to create that negative dynamic.
But don't discount the fact that the organization itself might be mediocre and entirely dedicated to mediocrity from the top down. One hallmark of mediocrity in an organization (YMMV, of course) is when people at any level show fear that their own job will be lost or otherwise changed SIMPLY BECAUSE of what one subordinate is doing. If you're not doing anything wrong or illegal or otherwise unacceptable, and you are operating within the scope of your duties as your boss has outlined them to you, then why would they be scared? That specific fear, to me, is a sign of a bad corporate environment overall.
Be aware that a mediocre company will happily suck you dry for all you have to contribute, and punish you heartily at the same time for contributing it. The dynamic with your mother would not cause this, but would set you up for it very well by making you unaware of what actually constitutes a healthy relationship -- whether personal or in the workplace -- and what boundaries are, and when red flags should go up for you. Right now it sounds like you are just assuming all guilt automatically, and trying so hard to change and be what others want you to be, while keeping that work ethic and joy in accomplishment intact. Have you considered that maybe, at this place, you just cannot be what they want and still keep what is dear to you? If not, I would like you to think that over and see if maybe this company is just not the right place for you.
In other words, I would not be so quick to assume that it's all just you. And if nothing works, nothing avails to change the perception they have of you over there, well take all that award-winning mojo you've got to a competitor, or set up shop yourself! Don't let fear make your decisions and keep you trapped in this place. You have other options.
But the real reason I wrote is that it's up to you, entirely, to search out and completely destroy any way in which your dead (and quite possibly narcissistic) mother still informs your choices in daily living, whether at home or at work. Dear LW, the bitch is dead, and with last words like that, I think you can safely disregard EVERYTHING and ANYTHING she ever had to say about your personal achievements and value. You have the right and the ability as an adult to choose your own family: I say get busy. Screw the deathbed judgements and consider the source.
Best wishes --