Normally I think people jump too quick to divorce but...

it's already over.

He starts out trying to be measured, talking about how much he adores, respects, and loves this woman, then erupts in a detailed saga of rage and recriminations. He's almost as good at "compartmentalizing" as she is! And more weirdness: he starts out saying that they center their lives around their children. How could that possibly be an accurate statement, when they are both eating up tons of time and energy on this big drama?

Those poor kids.

Great advice from Cary. Couldn't be better. Follow it, my friend. Not tomorrow. Not next week. But Now. Right now. You'll never regret it.

Don't make it worse by acting out against the other guy. At least, not unless you can plan something really terrific that will make him suffer the way he deserves but will never be traced back to you.

In the meantime, the revenge fantasies will help you cope.

The therapist should be for you to help you cope with the fact that you are divorcing your wife. Do it. Do it and don't look back.

As painful as it is, there is no question that a wound like this will heal. That is, if it isn't constantly opened.

Your kids will suffer and a therapist will help you soften the blow. But you simply will never be able to trust your wife again, nor should you trust her, and when trust is gone, the marriage is over.

I had a very emotional response reading this and hope that this makes sense....but it seems to me that the man had TWO affairs to console himself for his wife cheating on him....and he still feels enraged against her? That he can't trust her?

I'm not saying that his wife is trustworthy....but it definitely occurs to me that there is social pressure at work here...for example, the social idea that a man is entitled to his consolation affairs (TWO) while the wife still remains his possession and therefore HIS manhood is at stake when she becomes involved with another man.

Is her womanhood at stake too because of his two affairs?

The man should realize (with hopefully some loss of destructive pressure) that the wife's cheating is not his fault and does not in any way make him less of a man. But if he loves his wife (and I'm not sure whether or not he does) he has to see a therapist to deal with his rage at the way she has hurt him.

But to cut through the rage, he needs to understand that a wife is not the possession of her husband, any more than the husband is the possession of the wife. To put this marriage back together, they need to acknowledge that both parties have broken the contract.

To get into a cycle of blame is harmful to both parties and to the children who are involved....ugly.

The man should act in his own and his children's best interest and not allow the stereotypical "cuckolded man" rage (in good part a social construct...can a woman too be a cuckold? try looking up the etymology here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuckold) to blind him to the reality that no person holds a title over another person's actions. man or woman. marriage license not withstanding. all persons who reach understanding with other persons are in the same boat. trust is a difficult thing to find and to build.

but take care and good luck.

She nearly killed me with the lies and evasions.

The day came when I finally accepted the situation: my wife was having an affair with another man.

And the moment I accepted it, the next thought was,"I can leave her now."

Our children were the same age as LW's.

I got out of there. It was painful, but it was the best thing for the children, rather than the atmosphere of anger, pain, and distrust that had settled on our home.

The man finally disappeared.

I still have Thanksgiving and Christmas with my ex-wife and sons to this day. We share a love for our new grandchild.

I can still see in my ex-wife the woman I loved so many years ago. The affair is forgiven. The lies still hurt a little. But we get along. No recriminations. But I will never love her again as I once did. And I have no interest in sleeping with the woman I once thought the most beautiful on the planet.

Get out NOW so you can take care of your children!!!

She has destroyed the foundation of your marriage, not once, but three times.

There are lots of other women out there. Ones who won't cheat on you.

I wrote the previous letter, about three years of it, then acceptance.

I see LW has cheated on his wife as well.

What a fucking asshole.

It's all over but the shouting.

I pity your children.

But while you're on your knees loving her and adoring her, she's got a knife in your back.

She sounds pretty messed up, yes. She needs to figure out wtf she wants and needs for years to come, hormones notwithstanding.

But gee, sounds like he may not be telling all here. Perhaps he was on his knees (at least for a few minutes) for someone else at one time...

I confront her and then proceed to come clean on my flings in order to make her come clean.

I doubt his "flings" had no affect; NO WAY his betrayal was always left outside the home, outside their relationship, never would have affected her. He brought that home, in his attitude, his appreciation (or lack of), his humility.

I know this from several sides, inside, outside. Though not the one to stray, I was the other woman in my early 20s. Stupid. After a decade of marriage, I realized there is no harmless infidelity. It all matters.

I'll go back and look, but I don't think he ever takes responsibility for anything. He only told of his own flings because he wanted her to fess up? He may want to tone down his honorable overtones a bit.