Letters to the Editor
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If he's enlightened, why was he disappointed?
peeps: My rather enlightend soon to be husband was surprised at my decision. I asked if he would be dissapointed if I kept my maiden name, he said yes. So I changed my name.
In his enlightened view, does a woman's desire to keep her own identity make her less than fully married to him? Would he be willing to change his name? peeps seems to think that this issue is trivial, but if it is a trivial issue, why would he be disappointed?
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I changed my name for one marriage but not the next. And not changing my name worked out far better for me.
So...I've been married twice. The first time, I changed my last name to my husband's.
The paperwork involved in changing my name was a nightmare and screwed up my credit rating--did you know that your credit history evaporates if you change your name, even if for the "conventional" reason of getting married? The system assumes that women don't have any credit history before they marry and/or apart from their husband.
Then after 10 years, I got divorced and changed my name back to my maiden name.
More paperwork nightmare.
I also had problems obtaining car insurance after I divorced---nobody would insure me because I didn't have any prior history of car insurance except *under my former name*. Which didn't "count", I was told by several companies. I ended up paying very high rates for several years until I could establish a safe driving record under my maiden name.
I also encountered difficulties in my career area. Apparently the system of changing your last name was also developed in the bad old days when women didn't have any professional identities!
For example, when people I used to work for were called for references, they often replied, "Who? I never heard of her!". Of course I told the caller to ask about me using my *old* last name, but they forgot. Often.
And I also had the very weird experience of meeting a colleague at another university, and having that person actually try to refute my recently-published work by citing one of my own older papers that I'd published when I had my ex-husband's last name!
Funny, yeah, but it showed me that if you change your name,you basically vanish as far as a lot of people are concerned.
Then 10 years later, I got divorced again. No name change was required, so I had no paperwork, credit, insurance, or professional problems.
I also liked it that I didn't have to talk about intimate matters like my marriage failing with dozens of strangers, like the receptionists at the cable and electric companies, and the hundreds of students in my classes. But if you are change your name, everyone you interact with knows what's going on in your personal life!
When I married a 2nd time, I kept my name and my husband kept his. Yes, sometimes acquaintances of my husband or distant relatives referred to me as "Mrs. Husband", but it wasn't confusing or anything--obviously they were talking about me. So to be polite I didn't even bother correcting it most of the time because really who cares what they are calling me in these random social situations?
When we had children, we gave them both of our last names, hyphenated. This has turned out to be a great solution. Everyone knows that I'm their mother because it's right there in their last names. I would not want my children to have a different last name from me. I would not want to have to argue with the doctor about whether I really am their mother, about should I be really be taking my children home with me from their daycare, etc.
And since their father and I ended up getting divorced, I think it is very affirming and reassuring for my children to have both their father and my names in their own names. It helps emphasize for them, I think, how we are still both equally their parents even though we are not married to each other any more.
After carrying my children in my own body and caring for them since they were infants, having people not think that I'm their mother would be very offensive to me. That would be even worse in my view than having people not know who I myself am.
But of course, having people not know who I am was actually pretty bad, too.
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re: noialn and others
It's only possible to be a "loser" when something becomes a contest. Marriage shouldn't be a contest.
When we were in the discussion stage, my husband offered to take my name. He's very attached to his name, which has a long history behind it, and I find it amazing that he would volunteer to give it up, with no prompting on my part. But he did. Perhaps the reason I don't feel a desperate need to stand up for myself is that no one is trying to knock me down.
Re: your own situation. My mother has no middle name, and it's been no end of hassle for her all her life. American bureaucracy does not like to accept that some people have no middle name. It's even caused trouble for me - I was once asked to verify my identity over the phone by giving my mother's middle name. So maybe that wouldn't have been the best choice for your children. Anyway, I'm sorry it's become an issue for you. It shouldn't have to be. "Marriage is about compromise" shouldn't mean that one person bullies and the other person surrenders. I hope you come to a solution that makes you happy.
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Read All The Posts, Finally
26 pages and still nobody has explained why the groom has a last name but the bride "just has her father's name". It's been sickening to read through these letters and see so many women refer to the name they've had all their lives as "really" belonging to someone else. I wonder if this is how researchers felt when they saw black children overwhelming choosing white dolls (a '50's study repeated with much the same results in the 80's)?
Katelynn, why didn't you simply choose a new surname at 18?
Noialn, if your husband isn't ok with the baby having two surnames, why does that mean the baby gets his name? Don't you get to be not ok with stuff too?
Mad cartoonist, is it really polite to not correct someone who gets your name wrong? Won't they be embarassed when they later find out they've been calling you by the wrong name?