Letters to the Editor
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There are other systems
You might call yourself Shirley The Great, or Shirley de la Bon Chance. If you are from South Euclid, Ohio, you can call yourself Shirley d'South Euclid.
When you have a son, you might name him Ralph the Lesser (if your husband's name is Ralph), and change your own name to Shirley Ralphsmother.
Much of the world still uses systems such as these. Why limit yourself?
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Let logic prevail
I could have written this letter when I was getting married last year, except that in my case my maiden name was a prettier, more unique word than my husband's more common last name. But I felt strongly that if we were to have children, I'd want us all to have the same last name. But as everything about wedding culture was making feel objectified at the time, I began to resent the patriarchy inherent in taking a man's name. Emotionally, I wanted to keep my name, but logically I wanted to take my husband's.
I solved the problem at the time by keeping all my names. I wanted to keep my given middle name because it has family significance, so legally my middle name is two words, my given middle name and my maiden name. But ultimately the logic of having the same surname prevailed, and I'm glad I didn't act emotionally at the time.
Like another writer suggested, I give my name differently for different situations. We moved to a different state after our wedding, so here I just use my husband's name to avoid confusion. But because we moved so quickly after the wedding, many of my friends and acquaintances at home don't even necessarily know my married name. So around pre-marriage friends, I tend to give my name as First Maiden Last, which I'm finding is actually quit common. I've also come to like the sound of the three names together, even though I initially thought they sounded awkward and cumbersome.
The most helpful thing I can say about name changing is that after a while it really doesn't matter anymore. I decided that I wasn't going to let myself get upset about my surname because it wouldn't change anything about who I am. If anything, it's helped my separate my identity from the words attached to it.
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Am I a doormat?
My last name is my mother's second husband's name. She had him adopt us when I was about four. He was seriously and constantly abusive. Eventually they divorced. She is now remarried to someone else and has taken his name. I am left with the last name of my abusive step-father a/k/a mom's husband #2. Should I revert to the name of my birthfather-who I've never known? Keep the name I have? Or take the name of my new husband's family? I am a feminist, and I resent that I should be called a doormat for throwing off the shackles of the name of an abusive father in favor of the name of a husband of my choosing.
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Let's Talk Bureaucracy
Haven't had time to read all the many letters about this, but in case no one else has brought this up, let's talk about the paperwork and hassle of changing your name. Your social security card, passport, driver's license, etc, will all have to be changed. You'll have to fill out lots of paperwork and present lots of official documentation in order to do so, including your original birth certificate or certified copy, which you'll have to dredge up, and your marriage license.
If you are later divorced or widowed and remarried, you'll have to all this again. At that time you'll have to produce for all these officials your original birth cert again, your first marriage license (again), your divorce decree, and your next marriage license.
Keep your name so you don't have to go through all this. Trust me. If I had known, I would have.
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The issue I struggle with the most
Since this issue alone is my No. 1 hot button issue, I'm so thankful that Cary wrote a response I can truly stand behind. Not so long ago, women weren't able to vote in this country. When I decided to keep my name, my entire name - first, middle and last - upon marriage, I was doing it because this is a choice that men don't have to make in our country, and I feel that's unfair.
My strong beliefs on this matter in the past made me look at women who hyphenate their last names, or just keep their own last name for business purposes, as kidding themselves. Why waste time with such a cop-out? Stand up for yourselves! Furthermore, I found myself somewhat angry at my friends who have taken their husbands last names.
But stay with me, those of you whom I've offended, because there's more. Keeping my last name made me feel triumphant, but more recently I'm back to feeling confused because we have a baby on the way. And when I proposed that our child have no middle name and two last names, my husband wasn't okay with that. Marriage is about compromise, and I've always had this feeling that because of this unfairness in our culture, I was going to end up being the person in our family with a different last name. Most recently we've decided that my last name will serve as our children's middle names. It's not the same to me, but I can see the need to compromise.
Moreover, I've realized that what's truly important to me is that women question this tradition that's been handed down to us. Don't just take his name, think about what it means to you, what it means to all of those women who fought (and keep fighting) for our right to equality. As long as you've thought about it, I've decided that your decision is your own.
As for me, I look forward to the moment I get to explain to my children the significance of why I have a different last name, and how that makes their middle names important. In this way, I'll pass my beliefs along when they are young enough to remember it forever, and old enough to truly understand.