Letters to the Editor
-
Feminism isn't about the choice, it's about the choice not coming up....
"Does feminism entail a woman giving up adopting the last name of a man because she WANTS TO? Does being liberated mean not fulflling a desire because for us it wouldn't be PC?"
To an earlier, fair question: are men choosing, agonizing, even spending time on it? No. So for women to be choosing already means feminism has lost out. However it does kick in enough to allow a choice. Second best. First best - question does not come up. I'm glad that in many of the couples I know, it hasn't.
-
Simple
Just add his last name after yours and have two last names. It's the best of both world--acknowledges your family and HIS. In my opinion, it communicates a strong union at the same time as your strength and independence. And, to all the people talking about how difficult it is to change your name w/ all the various bureaus--I disagree. I actually found it strangely, almost alarmingly simple. Many offices didn't even ask to see my marriage license! Made me see how identity theft is so easily perpetrated. Finally, the fact that you and your husband are BOTH feminists and are of like mind is the most important thing, not the name you go by--good job on finding someone great!
-
Oh jeez...
I can't believe the "you're not a feminist if you take his name" sneering that's going on, especially from the "I'm married but kept my own name" crowd. If you were really the superior feminists you claim to be, you wouldn't be married in the first place. Big deal if you switch from one man's last name to another man's last name. Pick the name you like and go for it. And it's not really that difficult to change the paperwork. Honestly. If filing some paperwork is the hardest chore life hands you, then you're very lucky. Women judging women is anti-feminist, whether your Mrs. So-and-So or Ms.Whatsherface.
-
Get married in Quebec!
"Both spouses keep their birth names after marriage and continue to exercise their civil rights under that name, i.e. they must use their birth name in contracts, on credit cards, on their driver's licence, etc. However, women are free however to assume their husband's name socially."
Now THAT's equality.
-
Elizabeth Taylor
Isn't it much better than Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Warner Fortensky?
(Sorry I'm late to this discussion, so this example might have been used before.)
Seriously, I thought marriage was forever and I wasn't fond of my maiden name, so I 1)took first husband's name, 2)used an awful hyphenated version of two husband's names so my small children would not feel abandoned 3)dropped all old names and took third husband's name and started a writing career using it, then he walked out 4)kept professional name, moved to a far-off state, used it another 15 years and kept it when I finally married wonderful man who loves the person, not the name.
My younger brother and his wife made up a new name for both of them. My mom kept my dad's name more than 50 years, and when she dies she will be buried next to him -- but she'll have her maiden name on her tombstone.
There is no one right answer, but I can tell you, if I had a do-over, I'd keep the name on my birth certificate. It's just soooooo much easier.
Listen to Cary.
-
I didn't want to get lost
I decided when I was about 12 that my name was my name.
As I got older, leaving junior high, high school and college, especially, I kept thinking that I'd hate if somebody I really liked couldn't find me because I no longer existed under my name.
And it hasn't been a problem with our two boys in school. I'm at school enough so people know me, and I don't have a cow if somebody slips and refers to me as "Mrs. Hisname," since that's our kids' name, too. If we'd had a girl, we would have given her my name; we have wondered more recently why we didn't give it to one of our boys.
And yes, my name is my dad's name, but it suggests a history, and in my case an ethnicity that I wanted to preserve for my children.
Do what you want to, but I'm glad I've made this choice.
-
Another alternative
Some friends of mine choose a new last name for both of them when they got married. They both changed their name to reflect their new family status.
You could either pick a new last name and both just use that one or pick a new last name and both hyphenate your unmarried name with your new family name. Or you could use your unmarried last name as a middle name and use the new family name as a last name. All the kids use the family name.
Ie. Jane Marie Smith and John Edward Jones choose "Phoenix" as their new family name.
Option 1: They become Jane Marie Phoenix and John Edward Phoenix. Their kids are Mary Phoenix, Jake Phoenix, and Susan Phoenix.
Option 2: She becomes Jane Smith-Phoenix and he becomes John Jones-Phoenix. Their kids are Mary Phoenix, Jake Phoenix, and Susan Phoenix.
Option 3: She becomes Jane Smith Phoenix and he becomes John Jones Phoenix. Their kids are Mary Phoenix, Jake Phoenix, and Susan Phoenix.
-
Names, names, names
"However, if you take his name, people will judge you. Do you want to know why? You call yourself a liberal feminist and then cling to archaic notions or traditionalism. You can't have it both ways."
Judge away. Meantime, I'll spend my time working on substantive issues like maternity leave, flex time, child care, equitable distribution of the second shift work, opportunities and education for women and girls in the hard sciences and engineering fields, rape, domestic violence, etc.
And if my name affects my chances for promotion at one organization, I can find work elsewhere. Who would want to work with a boss that shallow, anyway?
-
Many times
Taking his name is only the first in a long list of things taken such as:
his earnings
his right to his children
his future
his sex life
his trust in human decency
his happiness
his buddies and other friends
ad infinitum.
Unlike the hysterical "all men are" types, I WILL state that the above theivery is not always the case and, some of these things are done to the woman as well.
I've experienced some of the things which I listed and will NEVER EVER make this mistake again.