Letters to the Editor
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You'll become parents too, so how would you feel if your child treated you this way?
Firstly, one of the reasons the LW listed for her confusion is that she would rather drop the name because it is her father's name, and she is still thinking about keeping it. Her relationship with her father wasn't all that great.
It's so odd how people can so easily write off such a deep relationship. Yes, I understand how a daughter would never want to see her father again if there was some sort of abuse involved, or if the father was a degenerate, but if they're just people who made mistakes? Few realize that parents are human too, even when they become parents themselves. Parents can make mistakes too. The important thing to realize is that when you were a dependent child, when you weren't making any money, when you needed food, and care, and shelter, your parents, no matter how horrible, how intrusive, how old-fashioned you think they are now, they didn't throw you out onto the street, separate themselves from you, expect you to change your own diapers and feed yourself. And yet, we find it so easy to do that to them now, when they need us to take care of them.
It's so easy to say so flippantly, "I don't have a great relationship with my mother/father", and call them once a year. It's just easier, isn't it? I think people need to wake up and smell the self-absorbed selfishness and hard-heartedness in themselves.
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I kept my name and my husband kept his name
We both kept our names. For me, my name is my name and not my father's name-- it is the name I have in the world. We are not any less married for having two different names. Also, I don't look down on other women for making different choices than I have made.
We discussed it and our (future) children will have a hyphenated name. Why the heck would the children automatically get the husband's name anyway? Sometimes people tell me with horror that if my children marry someone else with a hyphenated name that they will then have four names hyphenated! Which strikes me as silly because, after all, they will have to make their own decisions about what to do with their names anyway if they chose to marry.
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Genealogy again
If John Smith is married to Jane Smith, it's easy enough to find her maiden name on the marraige certificate. If John Smith is married to Jane McKinney, how can you tell that Jane McKinney is John Smiths wife unless you see them both on the same head stone, or the death record reads Jane McKinney-Smith? You might find them together in a census, but census' count who is in a household which doesn't guarrentee they are related. Anyway the decision is completely yours to make, and if you change your mind it's an inexpensive matter to change your name. Ask the performer who was formerly called Prince.
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Middle names, last names
I really didn't want to change my name. I wanted to keep it because I'm proud of my birth family and my my brothers and my dad. My husband-to-be, however, said "Aren't you proud to be related to me, too?" Ouch. So I compromised. I took my maiden name as my middle name and took the same last name as my husband.
I couldn't stand hyphenating because my maiden name is long and Polish and my married name is Irish. Eight syllables, a hyphen and an apostrophe just seemed like a bit much.
Here's an example of what I did, using fake names. "Jane Marie Kuberaski" became "Jane Kuberaski O'Gara." Use the full name professionally and on all id, checks and bills, and use "Jane O'Gara" socially.
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The beauty of feminism is that it gives you the freedom to choose...
Taking your husband's name is only blatantly un-feminist if he expects or demands you to change your name but would not be willing to change his. However, that is clearly not the case for you. From your letter, it sounds like your future husband is supportive of any decision you make. You just have to weigh all the pros and cons of each option and go with whatever works for you. At its core, feminism is simply the idea that women should have equal social, legal, and political rights as men. And...this includes the freedom to make the choices that are best for you.
I am getting married in a couple of months, and I'll be keeping my birth name. For us, there was never a dilemma. Both my future husband and I feel that it's unfair for the woman to be expected to give up her name, although, even as ardent feminists, we see perfectly valid reasons for making other choices. However in our case, no other option really makes sense. We're of different nationalities (American and Indian)and each of our first names sounds really goofy with the other's last name. Our last names are long, so a hyphenated name would just be unwieldy. Inventing a new name for a family name seems like more trouble than it's worth, especially since we haven't decided whether or not to have children. We're perfectly happy to each keep our birth names and eliminate paperwork and conufusion. If we do decide to have kids, I'm sure we'll reach a good compromise.
Just go with the option that makes the most sense for you.
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Are you really ready to get married?
LW, I hear ya, he's great, you're feminist, he's supportive either way. That's terrific, but this name debate ranks up there with registering for the proper chafing dish. Which name to take is one of the easier things about getting married, after you've gotten the perfect plum shade of the bridesmaids shoes to match the napkins and the centerpieces. Angst for naught, really.
If your strongest argument for changing your name is to make it easier for the second grade teacher of as-yet-to-be-conecived kids to know that you are really their mother and not their step whatever, then really.....WTF??? Toss a coin, do paper,rock,scissors. It just doesn't matter.
Marriage is full of decisions and compromises with far more severe implications than Smith vs. Jones vs. Smith-Jones. Children may or may not be conceived, you or the kids or their dad may not make it to 2015 when these imagined teacher conferences will start. As for having enough room on the soccer jersey to hypehante your kid's name, athletics may not be his thing. Marriage is a leap of faith, because it really doesn't ever work out like you've imagined. You'll change, he'll change, and there will be no shortage of opinions from within and without about what you should do or should have done. If you're lucky, you'll get good at filtering. Best of luck to you both.